- 5 years ago
I am posting here for the first time and am a little nervous… please don’t come off too hard on me.
I am sorry if this is really long.
I am engaged to a wonderful man who has previously been divorced and shares joint custody of two children. A girl who is 9.5 and a boy who is 12.5.
We have been together for almost 3 years now.
Back to the beginning though. My Fi and I have been working together for few years before we started dating. 3 years prior his wife at the time has cheated on him on many occasions which has slowly destroyed their marriage. She was cheating on him with a guy that had no money and a pregnant fiancé. She didn’t make much herself but her husband was making a good living for the family and worked late hours to provide. She would be giving the money to the guy she was cheating with. She was in love with him but she would never leave her husband because financially it would have been devastating for her.
After learning of this he was extremely hurt. Lost 60Lbs in 2 months due to stress. He tried really hard to work on the marriage. He wanted them to attend therapy to work through it but she didn’t want to. She requested of him to try to forget about it and therefore they stopped talking of the affair. He never got any clear answers from her on the details he felt he had the right to know… I guess to him that chapter never closed properly as in the 3 years after her affair that was a yearlong he lost the battle to resentment and lack of trust.
We were really good friends at the time at work and I was also going through turmoil in my relationship with my ex. We started to have very strong feelings for each other when talking about each other’s problems. We both felt that no one else understood. I was being cheated on and so was he.
Once the feelings started (and they were feelings that we didn’t act upon, just spoke about) I had to end my relationship with my ex as I saw that there was no way I could be with someone that I no longer loved or thought I loved.
I left and ended living on my own. I was scared as I never lived on my own before. I left a 7 year relationship which was hard but I was happy that I did so as who knows how bad it could have ended… it was an emotionally abusive relationship, even to the point of my diagnosed depression and thoughts of suicide.
He (my now FI) had to get things straightened out in his head. He was scared. He tried for 3 years to forget about his wife cheating on him and was still married to her however he couldn’t forget it. He was depressed and scared of leaving his marriage due to 2 children. He was hurting inside as he no longer loved his wife for how much she hurt him and found comfort in feelings of love for me. There was no sexual encounters… it was purely emotional. He couldn’t lie and didn’t want to and so he had told his wife of all that he was going through. It was rough on her. In her mind all was ok. She managed to forget of her affair and thought it was all roses, so to find out that her husband now had feelings for another woman was a total surprise to her.
I never told him to leave her. Since the feelings came and he was the first to admit to them I have always told him to try to mend what he has regardless of how he felt about me or I felt about him. It was hard for me to do that, it really was but there was no way that I wanted to be responsible for a family falling apart. I’ve told him how he has to mend his marriage. I sent him any information I could dig up, scenarios I could think of….. all telling him that grass is not always greener on the other side. That if he has feelings for his wife then to fight for those feelings. Every time he spoke to me of his feelings for me, I pushed him towards her as best I could. Told him to only leave if he knows that what he has cannot ever be fixed. There were e-mails that I wrote to him that she also read (because he let her) all about how they should work on their marriage.
It hurt deeply. I had all this love for a man that I never thought would ever be mine and I just wanted to die. I was in the most hopeless place you could ever be in, trying to do the right thing.
One day I got to work and received a very unpleasant phone call from his wife as he had just told her that he can’t be with her anymore and he wants a divorce. All her anger came at me. She blamed me for their marriage falling apart.
This was 3 years ago.
The separated agreeing on joint custody. He had also took care of her pretty well financially for the next several years.
I met the children about 6 months after and we decided to move in together a year after.
The children to our surprise were very accepting. Specially the daughter. The son was in a different age group and more influenced. Mother trying to play the victim had involved him in information that you never should involve a 9-10 year old child… they can’t handle it. She bribed him with gifts and affection while telling him to push me off the rollercoaster when he told her he was going to a theme park with us. Only allowed the children to call me profanities if they were to speak of me. She tired really hard to feed them negativity which we then had to deflect and try to make all positive for the sake of the children. The first year was tough.
Until the son started to think for himself and mother introduced a boyfriend into their lives a week after telling them that she will never be with anyone else and only with them.
They were already good with me. Enjoyed spending time with me, asked for me to tuck them in, would say I love you all on their own.
The son had a really hard time at the mothers house as he felt she lied to him about a lot. She told him all those horrible things about me but he liked me and was feeling resentful of her.
The son is now 12.5 and developing very well…. Happy that he might get a cell phone if his grades stay good.
But now the daughter who until this point has been very easy going, is going through the exact same brainwashing as the son went through. The mother now no longer is interested in the son and no longer favors him, but favors her as she seems to comply and not think for herself. Although we really don’t feel it much as she loves spending time with me doing crafts etc… Tells me she loves me and draws me pictures. But every week she comes back from her moms, there is always that first day where she is really cocky and can be rude at times.
I can already see that the teenage years will be very difficult. But I love my Fiance and will do everything I can to make sure our relationship is strong despite of all those difficulties.
His whole family is so accepting of us. They know the whole story, they know what he went through and they couldn’t be any happier for us that we managed to find each other when life was so tough on us. His sisters even came dress shopping with me and are all helping in the wedding plans. They are happy that their brother is happy.
But all this Step Parenting stuff makes me wonder if we should have a child of our own. I always wanted to have a child but the last 2 years had taken so much out of me that I am not sure I will have enough patience for a child of my own. He is ok with not having any more, or having one. I’ve never been able to experience parenthood and would love to be a mom to a child but also with all this drama and all those teenage years that are coming…. I don’t know if I can handle it.
But then if I choose not to…. Will I regret it ?
Some days the children are difficult to deal with just like all kids I guess and I look forward to having a week off (like we do every other week) If we have our own… is it different ?
I love my Step Children but I am not their mom. Will I regret not being a mom ?
I guess the point of me sharing my story is to let anyone that mey be at the beginning stages of a relationship that is similar to mine to think more then twice about it.
Don’t get me wrong… I am comfortable with our life and know the responsibilities that come with my choices.
But you have to love eachother very very much in order to get through the obstacles that come your way. It’s a rough life. Some really go out of their way to try to make your life miserable and you have to be very mature and responsible in everything that you say or do. You are no longer allowed to act on your emotions. It’s not about you and him, it’s also about his children and his ex is always in the picture even if you don’t have direct contact with her.