(Closed) Step-parenting sucks.

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

In your situation, I would text SS back and just treat it like a genuine question. If it was, he would be happy with the answer (something like “well, we’re covering you, so the insurance card comes to us. It would cost you a lot more money to get your own insurance, so it’s great that we’re able to keep you under ours, right?”), and if it wasn’t, maybe he will realize that that was a rude thing to say.

FYI I do agree that it was a little rude, but at 19, he’s still trying to be an adult without actually having the responsibilities. It’s a confusing time, especially since he is still in HS, because society has certain expectations of “being an adult” and it takes time to come to terms with what that actually means, and to realize that in most families, you don’t just assume all “adult” responsibilities. Maybe he needs to understand that if he were paying for it, it would come to him, or if he called the insurance company and asked, they would send it directly to him. Since he did none of those things, it didn’t go directly to him.

Post # 4
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you overreacted. To me, that’s just a question. I don’t know why you blew up like that. 

Post # 6
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@Quietserenity:  you’re welcome! I am 22 and only started to get out of the sometimes insolent stage about a year ago… If you just treat everything as a genuine question, it will make both of you feel better! Most of the time, hopefully, he will regret saying whatever rude thing it was anyway, and be grateful that you didn’t make him feel bad about it.

Post # 7
Member
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

You’re right that parenting stepchildren is not always an easy task. I have four stepchildren, and, although I love them, and they are all great kids (two are adults and are now married), the two teenagers can sometimes be a challenge. However, I know that teenagers are challenging to their own parents as well. I don’t think there is any reason to suspect that your SS’s mother is the one who responded to your text. It sounds like a very reasonable question from a 19-year-old, and I don’t there was any disrespect intended toward you at all. I definitely think you were offended for no reason and that you overreacted. After all, your SS was not questioning you; he was questioning the insurance company’s policy or decision to send the cards to you. I would simply explain — if this is indeed the case — that your husband is the policy holder and that all correspondance is between the insurance company and the policy holder.

Post # 8
Member
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Your right, step parenting sucks sometimes. However, being the mom of a 19 year old and a step to 22 & 15 yr old boys, I dont see that text as rude. It is just older teenager. Ugh, right now they are in such hurries to grow up and be totally treated as adults, and IMO, that was one of those things.

Post # 10
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@Quietserenity:  The best you can do is do everything you can to help let you SS know that both of you are on his side and will be there for him, since it is obviously important to your Darling Husband. When he gets those reality checks (and he most likely will), hopefully you will be there to help him get back on his feet or figure out where to go- It isn’t up to you to give them to him. Even though you aren’t much older than him, you are miles ahead of him in personal growth and maturity. 

Just always be nice and never falter, and assume everything to be the best possible meaning. It will be so much easier for you and will make you Darling Husband so much happier, since criticizing his parenting will not help his relationship with you or his confidence about raising the children you have and will have together.

I have a half brother that is a sore spot for me- his parents are not doing a good job. However, that is not my problem. When he needs me I will be there for him, and when I see all of them I just try to smile and nod and hope for the best.

Post # 11
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Don’t do him any more favors until he can be polite.  They didn’t send him a card at his own address because you and DH’s address is the one on file with the insurance company because you are the primary insureds.  Next time, let Darling Husband call for the damn card.

Post # 12
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I hate to say it, but if I was in SS’s place, I probably would have asked the same question and it wouldn’t be because I was trying to be rude. A simple explanation of how insurance cards get sent to the people who pay for it would be sufficient.

Post # 13
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ahh… I agree totally with you. I know parenting is hard but step-parenting is a whole new ball game LOL

Fiance has two from previous marriage (9 and 12)… i can just see what the teenage years will bring LOL – wine will be by my side ha ha

Lucky for you, you are able to have conversations with the Ex, my case … not so much.

Just let it blow over, relax…. let your Darling Husband deal with it 🙂

Post # 14
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Quietserenity:  I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.  I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but I think there is hope.  When my step mom and my dad started dating I was 13, my brother was 16.  My brother and I were terribly rude to my step mom for a very long time.  Even after they got married.  I didn’t think I would ever come to like her.  I’m 23 now and I adore my step mom.  We get along perfectly and even hang out fairly often.  I needed to mature on my own, and eventually became very thankful for everything my dad and step mom did for me. It really wasn’t until the last year or two that we started to get along so well.  I hope this is the case with you and your step son!

Post # 15
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would expect more questions in general like this. And I don’t think they are rude. I would treat it as a real question. He is trying to figure out what he is responsible for and how things work. It may be really easy for you to understand after doing it for a decade- I remember when how to get the gas turned on at the apartment and opening a bank account was confusing and scary. Expect a lot of what you will consider really common sense questions because he’s never had to deal with it before. And I also think he’s trying to figure out what changes when you are an adult vs. a minor- there is no why to find out unless you ask! And the fact that he is comfortable asking you means he trusts you. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Eh, I think that text seems a little on the aggressive side, since he used the word “even”.  I feel like if it was a genuine queston, he would have asked something like. “Oh, I thought since I was 18, they would come directly to me.  Why did they go to your house?” or something along those lines.

However, 19 year olds are often a little snarky/rude.  I work with middle schools students, and it starts at this age and continues into well into the early 20’s, I think.  If I got upset every time a student was annoying……well, I wouldn’t be able to work.

So I agree with the PPs…you can treat it as a real question and respond in a serious fashion and explain that he’s on your insurance, so the cards come to you two.  Or you can let your husband handle sending insurance cards and texting his son about it.  Or you can respond in a teasing fashion (best done on the phone rather than text), and just be like….hey, Mr. Independence, if you want an insurance card sent directly to you, you’ll have to be the one to pay for it.

And then finally…..remember that your SS did not choose for his Dad to remarry someone closer to his dating age that his dad’s.  And then he gets “replaced” by two more kids who get to grow up with their dad and mom together….all of this has to sting a little to your SS.  So keep that in mind, and treat him with compassion and love, even if he doesn’t return it.  You’re the bigger one here, so you’re in the position to do it.

Also, I promise, your own children will be rude to you one day, and you’re going to love them anyway.  They’re going to probably want support, even after they are in college, and you’ll give it to them.  Remember that your husband wants to do the same thing for his son now, and get on board with that.

The topic ‘Step-parenting sucks.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors