(Closed) Stepchild is transgendered, need advice please

posted 6 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 3
4354 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@chickiebee:  First, kudos to you for being concerned about this and taking the time to make sure he feels comfortable. I don’t think the situation requires all that much explaining, people will likely figure it out on their own (save for some elderly family). I would just try and casuall mention it by word of mouth to those you think might be thrown off by it. Second, scrap the programs. If there’s no time to fix them I would not use them. It will add more confusion/awkwardness of people looking at it and then saying “where is she”, “she doesn’t look like a girl”.. etc.. If he is taking on the male role to the point of you calling him “he” I don’t think you can go forward with those programs unfortunately. Best of luck!! You’re the best stepmom I’ve ever heard of!

Post # 4
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would ask your stepson if he’s okay with being listed as “daughter of the groom”. If not, then please trash the programs.

Post # 5
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think the single most useful thing you could do is list him as “son of the groom” in the programs, then anyone who is confused can look in the programs and hopefully catch on. You may unfortunately have to end up going with different programs to get them that quick, but it would be really really helpful to your future stepson.

Post # 6
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@chickiebee:  i would let him choose does he want to dress as a girl or as a guy?

let him be comfortable at his fathers wedding. and i give you so much credit for loving and accepting him for who he is ; ) let him/her be who he wants to be.

Post # 7
10365 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you talked to him about how to talk to the family? Maybe he would like a say in how the info is told to the others (or would at least be able to give you a starting point for what he’s comfortable with)

Post # 8
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Agree with PP – ditch the program. Sounds like you’re using the correct pronouns – great!

Make certain your family knows to address your stepson by his chosen name, if he’s changed it. Also make certain they know to use the correct pronouns.

If there are questions on the day of, just answer them with a sincere smile and say “[Name] identifies as male and is in the process of completing his transition.” Don’t make a big deal about it and make certain you respect your stepson’s privacy. No need to go into details. 

You’re awesome!

Post # 9
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t really have any advice to give other than I love how accepting you are of your future stepson. If the whole world could have the same outlook as you, we’d be a much better place!

Post # 10
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

It is wonderful to hear that you are supportive of your stepchild’s transition, as support from friends and family can make a huge difference in his own mental health and feelings of self-confidence during this process. I wouldn’t make a point to explain the transition to family members, rather just briefly note that he has realized his gender identity is actually male, and you as a family are fully supporting his transition. I would encourage you to check in with him to make sure that explanation feels comfortable for him.

I would also really encourage you to either try to make new programs (I got my save the dates from vistaprint in a week) or scrap the programs, as labeling him as groom’s daughter might be perceived as a rejection of his identity, even if that is not how you meant it.

Post # 11
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

yes, i agree with pp.  i would probably not use the programs.  this would only put more focus on your stepchild.

if he has changed his name, i would make sure that he is introduced as such at the wedding during the receiving line and at the reception speeches.

Post # 12
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should ask your stepson what, if anything, you can do to make him more comfortable and confident in this situation. I’m sure just knowing that you and his father support him must be huge. Oh, and like PPs said, get rid of the incorrect programs. (You have over a month; it’s not too late to get new ones. 🙂

Post # 13
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Definitely talk to your stepson about what he’s comfortable discussing with others. It’s good that you’re seeking out the opinions of others on this, but this is also a conversation that should include him.

I think the first step to explaining it to others is to expect that there will be questions, and to be okay with that. Talk to your stepson about how you and he might answer certain questions, and also about the kind of questions that he doesn’t feel comfortable answering just yet so that he can come up with an appropriate answer ahead of time. Good luck.

Post # 14
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If you can’t reprint the programs (maybe use Vistaprint?) I would suggest ditching the programs all together.  They’re not needed and calling your stepson “daughter” might confuse people and hurt him.  It sounds like you’re doing a great job accepting him as he is, and you’ll want to continue that especially on an important day such as a wedding!

Post # 15
903 posts
Busy bee

ALL I can say is WOW! We need more people like you! Theres a little bit everyone’s post to take from. I would talk to stepson and see how he feels about the program and talking about is gender change. See if he wants to have a say in how it will be handled. You do have much appreciated consideration for him so keep in that direction for handling this sensitive subject for some or most. Answering with a smile will help let others know it doesnt matter to you if he is a she or she is a he. Kill them with kindness. There will always be someone who says something to hurt you or your stepson about it but with the love you have for him and his father I don’t think they will break much glass, if any. Good luck!! You’ve got me supporting over here!!

Post # 16
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

@PinkMagnolia:  Agreed, this would be a very supportive step, his comfort means more than programs any day. 

It wont be easy, but I think the best thing you could do is tell each family what’s going on (copy and paste most of your original post!) and be ready to answer a lot of questions BEFORE the wedding.  That way, everyone has a chance to find out, process, and accept the change before they’re hugging him hello at the wedding.  

People tend to say a lot of stupid things in situations like this, better to get them out now, and said to you and your Fiance instead of his son. 

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