Stepmom and first pregnancy

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
10545 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think a lot of people just don’t grasp some parts of blended families, or they go by their own skewered perceptions.

I think what you said about your step son is lovely and you sound like a wonderful step mother to him. People will say all kinds of ignorant shit to pregnant women (whether they are adding to a blended family or not) my husband and I are expecting our first and have no other previous children and we still get asked stupid questions or people assume our daughter was a surprise. When I first came out and told everyone I was pregnant all I heard was stories of miscarriage and how I shouldn’t take it so hard if the baby didn’t survive because it happens so frequently. So that was a bummer to announce to people and then hear “Yeah, I had three miscarriages before son/daughter was born. So just be prepared and don’t get discouraged!” Thankfully, I haven’t had to experience that loss but I just didn’t understand why people had to remind me “Hey, like 50/50 chance that kids gonna die” everytime I told someone I was pregnant. 

So, I get it. I really do. Just try not to let people get to you when they talk out of their ass.

Post # 3
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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slomotion :  that’s disturbing sloslomsl that the risk of miscarriage was brought up so frequently. I mean,  who does that? 

IDK,  I haven’t gotten pregnant yet and fi doesn’t have any kids from his previous marriage,  but I just wanted to give you a hug Gracie and say you are building a wonderful family and I hope everyone from here on out is really happy for you all. 

Post # 4
Member
3173 posts
Sugar bee

Agree with PP. People always say stupid things to pregnant women. My daughter was planned, but my husband’s family has a history of unplanned first pregnancies, so my BIL’s first question, before saying congrats, was if it was a mistake.

Post # 5
Member
6937 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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gracie10 :  Being pregnant is tough because you have 9 million new hormones and emotions racing through your system AND people seem to want to interject all of their own stupid thoughts and fears into your brain on the daily. I can’t tell you the amount of dumb questions or comments I got when I was pregnant, sometimes from complete strangers! Like the person I met at a party whose name I didn’t even know asking me if I was going to deliver vaginally. How about we leave that between me and my vagina thank you very much. Or everyone and their mom asking if you’re going to breastfeed. NONE. OF. YOUR. BUSINESS.

So no real advice. You just need to pick your battles and learn to let things go somehow. This is the tip of the iceberg unfortunately. Once you have that baby you’ll get even more unsolicited comments from people! 

Post # 8
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee

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gracie10 :  

I actually started a thread the other day asking something similar, and although our situations are a little different—I’m also a FTM (due this Fall as well) and a stepmom.

 

One thing you just unfortunately have to get used to sometimes as the 2<sup>nd</sup> partner or step-role is that the bio-parent is always taken into consideration by in-laws and what not. Grandparents in particular watch their kids go through a divorce or break up and they feel for them, but their heart REALLY extends to their grandchild who now gets referred to as a product of a broken home. So, automatically there’s this overwhelming sense of guilt from the parent, and now the grandparent and everything you do from here on out is filtered through the lens of “is it good for the child”/ “how will it impact the relationship with the other parent”

 

I hear you, it’s not fair. You don’t have a child/ buy a home/ go on vacation/ select your new vehicle with the biological mom in mind—but they do. And because often times they do, their automatic assumption is that you do, too. And you do, as you well know. No vacation is taken unless it’s on your week or a schedule is changed. Taxes are turned in every year, so bio-mom knows what your financial situation is—if you can really afford that car or house. They’ll find out about pregnancy and then now everyone wants to know how you’re stepchild will react to a new baby vs how YOU feel. It sucks—but it’s just the reality of a blended family sometimes.

 

You sound like a good one who really loves your stepkid—so it will be a smooth transition since they’re still so young. My advice is to advocate for yourself within your family—I’ve been vocal with my husband  when things are said that are hurtful to me. We struggled to conceive, and my Mother-In-Law made an off handed comment once about how lucky I was regardless because my stepkid is basically the perfect kid and I have it easy. That really pissed me off—and even though it was insensitive to someone struggling to conceive, it was truly her POV. Once I understood how the in-laws of a blended family worked, it freed me from caring as much.

Post # 9
Member
6937 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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gracie10 :  “I wish people would say congratulations …BEFORE asking what my stepsons biomom thinks about it and assuming that I’ve been using my stepson as a test dummy to prepare for my own biological children.”

Unfortunately you have no control over what others say to you. You only have control over how you choose to respond. 

Post # 11
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee

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gracie10 :  yeah that’s tough. My in laws didn’t like my husband’s ex either and we’re happy they divorced, but the questions still come nonetheless because so much hinges on her. 

Unfortunately it’s just part of step life sometimes, as frustrating as that is :/

 

ETA: we were able to finally conceive and I’m due in the Fall with our first

Post # 12
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

“What an odd thing to ask.” Put it back on them and don’t answer invasive questions that are none of their business.

Post # 13
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

People just like gossip. I’m pregnant and half the people’s first (ok more like 3rd) question is if my ex-husband knows about it…. They just want to know how to navigate the situation or whatever. 

And I’d be really surprised if your family / in-laws don’t want to come to a baby shower or act excited about the baby, just because there’s already another one. People love babies! I have an 18 month old niece who my parents are OBSESSED with, and they are over the moon thrilled about my baby too. I expect them to be obsessed as well….. nothing can replace the first grandchild, but it’s not like “Seen one grandchild, seen em all.”

As for the “practice” comment, I assume that’s meant in an innocent way as a compliment to your great parenting skills. I mean, it’s true, having 50/50 custody of a toddler prepares you pretty well for having a baby. It doesn’t mean that he is some doll that you practice on, it just means you’re more prepared than some of us who only have cats that we can leave alone all day. (Eek. I’ve never even had a dog! I’m in for a big change…) I would try not to read any other meaning into those comments because I see them as just being realistic and a commentary on the great parenting job you’re doing. 

Congrats! Hang in there? When are you due? I’m due in October 😊

Post # 14
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

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gracie10 :  At first I just though they were a little dumb and oblivious to ask such a bizarre question, but after that update I can see they are just tactless and inappropriate. Speaking poorly of and having ill will toward his ex is a reflection of their true character, and it’s not pretty. Don’t engage, and do make a point of ending the conversation abruptly when they say things like that. Hopefully they will evolve and stop with the nastiness. 

But yes, people do sometimes say weird things to pregnant women. One friend actually said “well you better start planning number two pretty quick because you don’t want your kids to have two different dads.” (I was pregnant with my first.) My fiance and I had been together eight years. It has been fourteen now. It was very strange. 

Post # 15
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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cassandra7 :  ““What an odd thing to ask.” Put it back on them and don’t answer invasive questions that are none of their business.”

Yep. That is my exact approach to any invasive question. I met a family friend of my husband’s at my MIL’s house and she immediately asked me when I’m going to have a baby or why we haven’t had a baby yet (or something like that). I just answered “unusually personal question for someone I’ve known less than an hour.” She didn’t appreciate it all, and probably now thinks of me as a b-word. But I bet she’ll never ask me anything like that again.

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