Post # 1
Hi all! This is my first post on this site and I’m hoping it helps.
I married my wonderful husband and became an official stepmom to his 2 year old who I’ve fallen completely in love with and taken on as my own. We are now adding to the family (my first pregnancy, due this fall) and I cannot help these insecurities I’m feeling that no one will care about this new baby.
My Husband mentioned before that his family probably won’t be interested in coming to a baby shower because they’ve recently been to one for his son. Which is fine, I don’t like baby showers and don’t want one. We’ve told a few people about the baby and have been met with things like “have you told biomom yet?”
Like no. We have not told her yet. We’re excited to tell our family and you should be excited to be gaining a new member. And while she is an extension of this family and will know in the near future it annoys me that’s the first thing people think to say. We did not create this baby with her in mind so I would prefer if she weren’t the first thing on their minds. And then that has been followed up with “well good thing you’ve had practice with *insert sons name*” which INFURIATES me.
My stepson is not a take home baby from high school that I’ve been using as practice until “I get my own baby”. We have 50/50 custody. That child is mine, I am very much so involved in his life and an play an important role in raising him. I love him unconditionally and do not separate him into a step child compartment as I anxiously await to open my own biological child compartment. That is ridiculous and extremely hurtful.
So naturally I am not looking forward to telling others about my pregnancy. I am excited, my husband is excited and so is my stepson and I know that’s what truly matters. However, I need some tips on handling these insecurities. I feel as though people are more interested in the gossip than this new baby on the way. And to me that means that there is no reason for them to be in our lives but I can’t realistically cut off every person who is most likely just asking an honest question. I cannot control what others reactions are going to be and as a stepmom I am forever going to be compared to my stepsons biomom in general and now with her experiences w/ the family during her pregnancy. That just is what it is and one of the things that comes with being a step parent.
Has anyone been through a similar experience. I’m really just looking for a “hey I’ve been there I understand” type sentiment or someone to tell me I’m being over sensitive and dramatic. Because I’ve not been successful in simply getting over it and I really want to!
Post # 2
I think a lot of people just don’t grasp some parts of blended families, or they go by their own skewered perceptions.
I think what you said about your step son is lovely and you sound like a wonderful step mother to him. People will say all kinds of ignorant shit to pregnant women (whether they are adding to a blended family or not) my husband and I are expecting our first and have no other previous children and we still get asked stupid questions or people assume our daughter was a surprise. When I first came out and told everyone I was pregnant all I heard was stories of miscarriage and how I shouldn’t take it so hard if the baby didn’t survive because it happens so frequently. So that was a bummer to announce to people and then hear “Yeah, I had three miscarriages before son/daughter was born. So just be prepared and don’t get discouraged!” Thankfully, I haven’t had to experience that loss but I just didn’t understand why people had to remind me “Hey, like 50/50 chance that kids gonna die” everytime I told someone I was pregnant.
So, I get it. I really do. Just try not to let people get to you when they talk out of their ass.
Post # 3
that’s disturbing sloslomsl that the risk of miscarriage was brought up so frequently. I mean, who does that?
IDK, I haven’t gotten pregnant yet and fi doesn’t have any kids from his previous marriage, but I just wanted to give you a hug Gracie and say you are building a wonderful family and I hope everyone from here on out is really happy for you all.
Post # 4
Agree with PP. People always say stupid things to pregnant women. My daughter was planned, but my husband’s family has a history of unplanned first pregnancies, so my BIL’s first question, before saying congrats, was if it was a mistake.
Post # 5
Being pregnant is tough because you have 9 million new hormones and emotions racing through your system AND people seem to want to interject all of their own stupid thoughts and fears into your brain on the daily. I can’t tell you the amount of dumb questions or comments I got when I was pregnant, sometimes from complete strangers! Like the person I met at a party whose name I didn’t even know asking me if I was going to deliver vaginally. How about we leave that between me and my vagina thank you very much. Or everyone and their mom asking if you’re going to breastfeed. NONE. OF. YOUR. BUSINESS.
So no real advice. You just need to pick your battles and learn to let things go somehow. This is the tip of the iceberg unfortunately. Once you have that baby you’ll get even more unsolicited comments from people!
Post # 6
Thank you everyone. I wish people would say congratulations and pretend to give a shit about this new baby and give me the whole “when are you due?, how are you feeling? Do you have names picked out?” etc BEFORE asking what my stepsons biomom thinks about it and assuming that I’ve been using my stepson as a test dummy to prepare for my own biological children.
Post # 7
You’re right, people say all kinds of unwanted things to pregnant women. To talk about miscarriage and tell you not to be discouraged if it happens is very disheartening to hear. I’m sorry you had to experience that! I wish you the best for the duration of your pregnancy!
Post # 8
I actually started a thread the other day asking something similar, and although our situations are a little different—I’m also a FTM (due this Fall as well) and a stepmom.
One thing you just unfortunately have to get used to sometimes as the 2<sup>nd</sup> partner or step-role is that the bio-parent is always taken into consideration by in-laws and what not. Grandparents in particular watch their kids go through a divorce or break up and they feel for them, but their heart REALLY extends to their grandchild who now gets referred to as a product of a broken home. So, automatically there’s this overwhelming sense of guilt from the parent, and now the grandparent and everything you do from here on out is filtered through the lens of “is it good for the child”/ “how will it impact the relationship with the other parent”
I hear you, it’s not fair. You don’t have a child/ buy a home/ go on vacation/ select your new vehicle with the biological mom in mind—but they do. And because often times they do, their automatic assumption is that you do, too. And you do, as you well know. No vacation is taken unless it’s on your week or a schedule is changed. Taxes are turned in every year, so bio-mom knows what your financial situation is—if you can really afford that car or house. They’ll find out about pregnancy and then now everyone wants to know how you’re stepchild will react to a new baby vs how YOU feel. It sucks—but it’s just the reality of a blended family sometimes.
You sound like a good one who really loves your stepkid—so it will be a smooth transition since they’re still so young. My advice is to advocate for yourself within your family—I’ve been vocal with my husband when things are said that are hurtful to me. We struggled to conceive, and my Mother-In-Law made an off handed comment once about how lucky I was regardless because my stepkid is basically the perfect kid and I have it easy. That really pissed me off—and even though it was insensitive to someone struggling to conceive, it was truly her POV. Once I understood how the in-laws of a blended family worked, it freed me from caring as much.
Post # 9
gracie10 : “I wish people would say congratulations …BEFORE asking what my stepsons biomom thinks about it and assuming that I’ve been using my stepson as a test dummy to prepare for my own biological children.”
Unfortunately you have no control over what others say to you. You only have control over how you choose to respond.
Post # 10
I understand completely what you’re saying. My situation is a bit different. My husband wasn’t married to biomom. Without going into detail, his entire family was thrilled to death when they broke up (some members even got him cards congratulating him). So if it were in the interest of my stepson and genuine concern for him to wonder what she thinks then I would be much more understanding. But it is not. They have a serious (probably unhealthy) dislike for this woman and that dislike is reciprocated on her end as well. Any time we’ve done something positive it comes around to “how upset was biomom you bought a house, how many times did her head spin when you got married etc..” So I know that when they ask what she thinks, what they’re really wondering is how good or bad she took the news and getting satisfaction out of her unhappiness.
I hope that you were able to conceive or are on your way to it soon!
That’s all I’m trying to do. I let it slide off my back when the responses happen and then allow it to eat at me later on so I’m working toward getting over it because there is nothing I can do. Bitching to you all about it is helping 😉
Post # 11
yeah that’s tough. My in laws didn’t like my husband’s ex either and we’re happy they divorced, but the questions still come nonetheless because so much hinges on her.
Unfortunately it’s just part of step life sometimes, as frustrating as that is :/
ETA: we were able to finally conceive and I’m due in the Fall with our first
Post # 12
“What an odd thing to ask.” Put it back on them and don’t answer invasive questions that are none of their business.
Post # 13
People just like gossip. I’m pregnant and half the people’s first (ok more like 3rd) question is if my ex-husband knows about it…. They just want to know how to navigate the situation or whatever.
And I’d be really surprised if your family / in-laws don’t want to come to a baby shower or act excited about the baby, just because there’s already another one. People love babies! I have an 18 month old niece who my parents are OBSESSED with, and they are over the moon thrilled about my baby too. I expect them to be obsessed as well….. nothing can replace the first grandchild, but it’s not like “Seen one grandchild, seen em all.”
As for the “practice” comment, I assume that’s meant in an innocent way as a compliment to your great parenting skills. I mean, it’s true, having 50/50 custody of a toddler prepares you pretty well for having a baby. It doesn’t mean that he is some doll that you practice on, it just means you’re more prepared than some of us who only have cats that we can leave alone all day. (Eek. I’ve never even had a dog! I’m in for a big change…) I would try not to read any other meaning into those comments because I see them as just being realistic and a commentary on the great parenting job you’re doing.
Congrats! Hang in there? When are you due? I’m due in October 😊
Post # 14
At first I just though they were a little dumb and oblivious to ask such a bizarre question, but after that update I can see they are just tactless and inappropriate. Speaking poorly of and having ill will toward his ex is a reflection of their true character, and it’s not pretty. Don’t engage, and do make a point of ending the conversation abruptly when they say things like that. Hopefully they will evolve and stop with the nastiness.
But yes, people do sometimes say weird things to pregnant women. One friend actually said “well you better start planning number two pretty quick because you don’t want your kids to have two different dads.” (I was pregnant with my first.) My fiance and I had been together eight years. It has been fourteen now. It was very strange.
Post # 15
““What an odd thing to ask.” Put it back on them and don’t answer invasive questions that are none of their business.”
Yep. That is my exact approach to any invasive question. I met a family friend of my husband’s at my MIL’s house and she immediately asked me when I’m going to have a baby or why we haven’t had a baby yet (or something like that). I just answered “unusually personal question for someone I’ve known less than an hour.” She didn’t appreciate it all, and probably now thinks of me as a b-word. But I bet she’ll never ask me anything like that again.