Stepmom needs to feel special

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

So your dad is threatening not to come or make a scene unless your step mom feels extra special? They do realize this is your wedding right?

Post # 18
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

insomniacplanner :  Get her a huge cluster of mylar balloons to tote around all day. That way everyone will notice her and know how important she is. Bonus for Mother’s Day themed or “Princess” or “You’re So Special!” Maybe she and your dad should get their own sweetheart table at the reception too.

She is not a child attending her fifth birthday party. She is a grown ass woman attending her stepdaughter’s wedding. If she’s insecure about the change in your relationship with your bio mom, that’s on her to deal with, not you. If she doesn’t have a specific reasonable request (doing a reading at the ceremony, making a toast etc) then what does she expect you to do?

If she’s the kind of person who would cause a scene out of spite then she should stay home anyway. If your dad can’t make attending your wedding a priority over his wife’s tantrum, well, he knows the boundary you set and will reap what he sows. 

Post # 20
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, good grief. What about her making YOU feel special by not acting like a spoiled child on YOUR day?

It sounds like you have done all the normal things people do to include moms in weddings. If that’s not enough, then nothing is going to make her happy. Just ignore her and call her bluff. It’s really your dad’s job to handle her.

I doubt she will really not come. She’s just trying to manipulate you with a threat. Think about it, this woman is not actually going to sit home missing out on your wedding while your bio-mom is there celebrating with you.

Post # 21
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

insomniacplanner :  screw that. I’d call their bluff. You owe them no more special favors.  So they can either come or not. But I definitely wouldn’t stop them. I’d wave bye on their way out. Why do ppl have to act like children? Good luck.

Post # 22
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Nothing you do will be good enough for this woman.  Tell dad, I am giving SM all the standard accourtements of MOB.  If it doesnt make her feel special, I guess she doesnt feel like a mom to me. 

Post # 23
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

How about a spa day before the wedding for just the two of you, a letter telling her how important she is to you accompanied by photos of events you’ve shared during your life together, a small keepsake given while you’re together with no one else around.

You obviously care for her, and she cares for you. Perhaps if you can show her by sharing your feelings before the actual event, she’ll be able to form a better perspective on the relative unimportance of bio mom.

Post # 24
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

insomniacplanner :  Your stepmom is being unreasonable. Lots and lots of estranged partners attend their children’s weddings, and tolerate their exes (or partner’s exes) being there.

Is there some particular reason why stepmom cannot be in the same room as your mom? For instance, it is fairly common for a woman to have to attend a wedding and see her ex-husband with the woman he cheated with and left her for. Is your stepmom’s grievance worse that that?

All I can suggest is a heart-to-heart with your dad and stepmom and remind them that it’s a common situation that mature adults manage to deal with.

Failing that, I agree with PPs to not give in to threats. If your dad wants to miss his daughter’s wedding because his wife is being stubborn, then in the end that is his loss.

Post # 25
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Did your stepmom raise you while your mom was absent?? The reason I ask is that he reaction to this seems really disproportionate. It sounds like a recent reconciliation with an absent mother? The reason I ask is I’m wondering if this is less about the wedding and more about her own anxiety or worries in this situation? I’d just try to have a talk with her, as it sounds like a lot of the important infor is being relayed by your dad?

Post # 26
Member
6662 posts
Bee Keeper

Speck_ :  << this. 

As a future stepmom I cannot imagine encouraging or allowing my husband to not attend his daughter’s wedding (as much as anyone can or should ‘allow’ another adult to do anything.) And I can’t imagine my Fiance not attending his daughter’s wedding no matter how I protested. This is messed up.

Are they open to discussion and reason? Your bio mom’s presence does not negate the role your stepmom may have played in your life. As PP stated, you are giving SM all the glories of MOB and bio mom is just another guest. Perhaps ask her exactly what it is she wants? 

Post # 28
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

My step sister did a rose ceremony type thing. After vows & before rings, groom gave a rose to his mom & she gave a rose to her mom & my mom. Maybe this is something she would like, bc it includes her in the ceremony?

I think she’s probably going through some insecurities right now & stressing your dad out by stressing herself out. Is it unreasonable to expect all this? Yea, but a little compassion could go a long way here. 

Post # 29
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

insomniacplanner :  Tell dad that SM said she’d be fine, you’re pretty sure at this point that her freaking out and making his life miserable is about something else even if she won’t admit it.  Unless you hear otherwise, directly from her, there is nothing he can say to make you think otherwise.  Click.

A little harsh, but seriously she is not a fairy pony unicorn rainbow princess.  She’s a grown ass woman and she is being highly honored at your wedding, and she herself says she’s fine.  If she isn’t she should talk to you directly so you can work with her to figure out what, if anything, will satisfy her needs. 

I think what you’re doing is more than enough, but if you want to give her more of a spotlight you can ask her if she wants to give a toast at the reception or a reading at the ceremony.  I really don’t think there’s much more you can do than that, unless she wants to get ordained and perform the ceremony and maybe also join in on the first kiss. *rolls eyes*

Post # 30
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

insomniacplanner :  I’m trying to understand what might be happening in the cycle to think of ways to help. Because I think you’re already doing everything you can to make her feel recognised and special and I can’t think of anything more you can do which would be fair to you. My 2c is that perhaps the problem here is your dad. I feel like maybe he doesn’t know how to react to her freak outs and is having a hard time juggling the demands of your step mom with your needs and your mums family/her being there. 

If it were me I would sit down with both my step mum and dad and have a heart to heart. Assure them you are always grateful for them both for being there for you unfailingly and because of that you trust they will be there for you on your wedding day. Let them know all the ways you’re going to recognise them and how special and important it is to you that they meet you halfway and help you feel joyous in the lead up and on the day of your wedding. Let them know having freak outs is normal, weddings are an emotional time, but that with everything you’ve got on your plate calling to vent to you hurts your feelings and isn’t helpful. Suggest they only come to you if they have a solution as to how they could be made more comfortable (which doesn’t include uninviting your bio mum). Let them know you would consider any reasonable suggestions but since it’s your and your partners wedding day you are sure they understand not every suggestion may be able to be incorporated. At this meeting I think I would give them any special MOB/FOB gifts you’re planning on giving them rather than holding them off until the morning of. Waiting until then doesn’t feel like it would help in this situation. 

That would be my line in the sand. From there I would refuse to get drawn into any histrionics and would just hope they would adult up! 

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