Post # 1
So here is the deal….
I have a soon to be 7 year old stepson who lives in a different state than my fiance’ and I. I have only met him once and did not get to spend too much time with him because his mother was here with him (fiance and her do not really get along, they don’t talk often). He is coming back down to visit by himself in three weeks. My question is how did you or your fiance introduce you to your soon to be stepchildren? How did you talk to them about your upcoming marriage? Most importantly, what did you ask them to call you? I’m so confused and new to this…Please help!!
Post # 3
I am stepmom to 2 boys. I would just be yourself, and let them decide what to call you. My boys (yes I call them that, been around since they were 2yrs old), decided to call me my first name, and sometimes they will call me ‘Ma’..I let it be there decision since they do have a mom and a dad already.
Since haven’t been around him too much, I am not sure would mention too much about the wedding, would just learn about him, his interests, things you two share in common, ect.
Post # 4
I’m answering as a step child 🙂
Best to be introduced doing something fun together.
I prefer to call my step parents by their first names.
Post # 6
I agree with other posters here let the child choose what they call you – my soon to be stepdaughter is a little older and we opted to take her out to a fun restaurant when I first met her so that it was not just a one on one which I would have felt uncomfortable with!! She calls me by my first name and she now even calls me up for advice from time to time!!
In regards to the wedding her father included her in the proposal (he had her on the phone when he did it so she was able to hear the whole thing as we got engaged at Disney over Xmas and she was not able to be there in person) we invited her to be a member of the bridal party and have kept her informed of things as we moved along but NEVER bombarded her with things about it.
if you listen to children they will tell YOU the pace they wish to go with things… I always try to remember to NOT take things personally that they may say and just step back and try again the next time you are with them 🙂
Post # 7
Just be yourself and keep it light. Don’t just jump into a parental role. This will be a real adjustment for him. Also I agree about having him call you by first name. He has a mom and it could only stir things up to have him calling you mom right off the bat. Start with your first name and then someday in the future he may change it.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Lots of great ideas here. I have been both a stepchild and a stepmother. Be yourself and don’t expect much right away.
As a stepchild I think it’s important to be introduced outside of the household doing something enjoyable like going to an arcade, bowling, lunch/dinner out, etc… That way there’s an activity to focus on during the quiet parts but there’s not so much going on that you can’t talk to each other. Let him decide what to call you and don’t pressure for anything close to mom/mother because he already has one; if you must, you could introduce a special nickname later on when you and him are closer (I always called my stepdaughter Seece which wasn’t close to her name but was just my special nickname for her.)
If the child’s mother and father don’t get along he may have heard bad things about you from the mother; don’t get upset about them. Hopefully this is unnecessary but, don’t ever say anything bad about the child’s mother in front of him because by saying it about her it means he’s a bad person too. As a stepparent I always tried to be supportive of the other parent (i.e. mom) and when I disagreed with something my response was always “well you have to follow mommy’s rules at her house and our rules at our house; it’s just like there are different rules at home and at school.”
I would ease him into the idea of the wedding but make sure he is involved in the wedding planning on some level. Figure out a special duty for him to do; he will probably be too old to be a ringbearer so he might want to be a “Jr. Best Man” and stand next to his dad. Good luck! I loved having a stepdaughter and was sad to lose her when I divorced her dad.
Last and most importantly, do not be a glorified babysitter. Speak to your SO/FI and find out what parenting role he expects you to take on and discuss it. My ex husband and I disagreed a lot on when I could implement punishment and there were a lot of hurt feelings because my ex husband would undermine me in front of her so she knew that she could walk all over me to an extent since daddy always sided with her.
Post # 9
I am a step child myself, and i had two step daughter (me and there dad split) and my Fiance is my son’s step father, well as good as anyway.
doing something fun is a must, but be yourself whilst doing this, don’t try to hard. I would recommend somewhere like the zoo. I think 7 is a tricky age, children of this age are very inquisitive, but just be truthful, if he does ask about you and his dad, then I would tell him your are his girlfriend and i would not mention the wedding on this particular visit, I actually think that is something your Fiance and his ex need to talk about.
i agree with beachbride1216 never disrespect a child’s mother, if anything bad has been said about you, ignore this your future stepson will make his own mind up.
I think that you should only expect your future stepson to call you by your first name.
i hope you are able to build a beautiful bond with him, i still see my step daughters even though me and their dad split 5 years ago, sadly he doesn’t see them anymore. I think the fact I am still in their lives is a credit to how good I was with them, my Fiance is a fabulous step father, even my sons dad cannot disagree with this and has thanked him for what he does for his son. my own step father is a fabulous man, a big part of my life and still is, I put this man on a pedestal. in my life Step is quite the norm and i wouldn’t have it any other way.
Post # 10
I’m a soon to be step-mom. I was introduced to my step-son on a fun day at the beach when he was 3 years old. He didn’t pay too much attention to me at first so, I let him have his space and get used to having me around. My Fiance (boyfriend at the time) introduced me as Aunty Brandy – and that is what he calls me. We have a wonderful relationship now – he is so much fun!! He has my Fiance humor and I love my step-son dearly.
My Fiance alone told my step-son that we were getting married. I felt it was better that way. He does recognize me as his soon-to-be stepmom, and I think it is so cute!! One thing I learned from being a step-child is, I NEVER, EVER talk smack about his mother – even when I disagree with her actions.
Just have fun with your new kids and be patient. It may take a little while but, they will eventually start opening up to you and letting you in to their lives little by little.
Post # 11
Step Mom here 🙂 I’ve been in my step children’s lives since they were babies and they call me by my first name. They have both slipped and called me Mom a time or two and I usually correct them, but with a 7 year old I doubt you will run into that problem. Just be prepared for not only the good times, but the bad. My Fiance and his ex do not get along well at all and she tells the children all sorts of things about me and him. It does make things harder, but just be yourself, be kind and things will fall into place. Don’t be discouraged if he doesn’t take to you because again he coud be hearing things from his Mom and also for some kids the idea of a step parent is not a happy thing. Good luck to you 🙂
Post # 12
I’m a stepmom to a 6 year old. He calls me by my first name. I’ve known him pretty much his entire life, so I’m lucky in that sense. I agree with giving him space to get to know you. Make sure that he gets special time with Dad too, and that it’s not just “Hey this is the new lady in my life”. I like to make sure my stepson and Darling Husband get time to themselves and have their own special traditions and things they do together like camping in the summer, etc.
My SS was a bit young when we got engaged/married to understand what a wedding was, so we just explained that it was a really big party to celebrate the two of us being happy together and loving each other lots, and that seemed to make him content. He had a few questions about it as time went on, but it was really not something he was focused on or cared much about. He got to be the ring bearer and have a very important job, he was very excited about that 😉
How long is your stepson coming to visit for? One thing we try to do is to make sure that yes, we have big fun things we do, but that we also have “normal” family time where we just hang out playing lego, go to the park, watch a movie, make dinner, etc. We didn’t want to set a precedent of every time you see Daddy and Bakerella it’s like Disneyland with crazy over the top things to do 24/7. I think that some of my favourite times have been just relaxing playing games at home, that’s when you get to bond and talk a lot 🙂
Post # 13
Everyone on here has given the same advice I would. I was a step child and the worse thing my step mom did was request I call her mom once my little brother and sister were born. Be yourself treat him to ice cream and do active things that the little one likes. If mom has any really strict rules then try to respect her wishes but I think of the relationship of a new step mom like a grandparent (there to spoil them and then send them back).
Post # 14
I was a step mom in my previous marriage, but my step son was just a baby when we met so he never remembers a time without me. He still called me by my first name for the 15 years I was with his dad. He still calls me that. (We never pressured him because he had his own mom and his own dad. But I treated him as my own, and if he had ever wanted to call me anything different, I would have welcomed it.)
I will be a step mom this time around too. He was 5 when I met him. We met at his dad’s house very casually with no pressure to talk, etc if he didn’t want to. He took to me very quickly and was eager to show off in front of me, so it was easy. 5 years later he still calls me by my first name as well.
At 7 they are a little more mature, so I’d agree with meeting in a casual public setting, doing something fun. That way he has other things to destract him if he feels uncomfortable. I wouldn’t mention the wedding just yet. It will be an adjustment for him just to see his dad with a serious girlfriend, especially since they don’t see each other often. I’d let him get used to that first.
I agree with PP who said you never know what the mom tells him about you, or about his dad, so be prepared for turbulence coming from that side of the fence. It may never happen, but I wouldn’t be shocked if it did since you said they don’t get along. As long as you stay constant and don’t let it it affect your relationship with him (or your new husband) he will realize the truth. It might take him a while, maybe even years but he will. 🙂 Good luck! Step kids can be a great blessing.