Post # 1
This post basically boils down to needing to be reaffirmed that it is okay to say no to people in the process of my wedding.
Because we are getting married in our mid-thirties, Fiance and I have loads of friends and family with small children. In fact, there are 54 children under 8 who could be attached to our guest list. We are having an evening wedding and have made the executive decision to invite children 5 and up and to provide babysitting on site for smaller children. (By “provide,” I mean we have hired several teachers from the daycare my small nephews attend, are paying each one an hourly rate, have reserved a large suite and adjoined guest room at our hotel, which we will furnish with snacks and toys.)
Last night I had dinner with invited friends who have a 2.5 year old. We had previously discussed the babysitting plan with them, which they praised as awesome and considerate. But last night, one of the couple seemed put out when she asked if their daughter was invited and I said no. I re-explained the babysitting arrangements and also explained that we were not singling her daughter out, but that there were potentially lots of other children in this situation. Her response? “But I saw a really cute dress for her today…” and “I’m not sure I want to leave her with anyone.” She then went on to say that maybe she won’t come.
Hive, I feel guilty at having to say no, but at the same time a little annoyed that she reconsidered after having previously praised my plan. For cost and consistency, I cannot revisit the question of inviting children under 5, and to be honest I don’t want to. But how to shake the icky feeling of possibly displeasing someone?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
I know you can’t shake your feeling, but your friend is the one who should be feeling icky. It’s very rude in my opinion to invite your own children when the host has already made the plan clear. It’s especially unfair of her to give you an ultimatum like that, and if she doesn’t come, she’s missing out!
Post # 4
Your friend is being unreasonable. You’ve really gone out of your way to ensure that there will be adequate (and well-trained) childcare available for your guests, and for her to imply that this is somehow inconsiderate is ridiculous.
It sounds like she would benefit from some time away from her two-year old, anyway. Hasn’t she heard that ultimatums are for toddlers?
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
You are doing FAR more than should be excepted. I think it’s extremely generous of you to provide a sitter for the younger children.
I know how you feel though, Mr Frenchie and I decided from the beginning we didn’t want to invite children (at all) to our wedding. We had a few guests question us… some loved having a night away with adults and others didn’t come b/c their children couldn’t and they couldn’t get a sitter. At first I felt icky when one guest wouldn’t drop the issue, but then I realized THEY were the ones being rude.
Post # 6
I’ve chimed in on this issue a lot before. IMO, a formal evening wedding is no place for children. You’re being extremely accomodating by not only inviting children over 5, but providing babysitting for those under 5!
In our case, there’s just no kids under 15 (the age of my youngest BM) Period. No babysitting services, no exceptions. I NEVER went to weddings as a child, and even when I was a flower girl, my grandma picked me up after the cocktail hour.
You’re doing MORE than enough to accomodate people. Don’t feel bad.
Post # 7
What you’re doing is completely understandable. She sounds like she’s being very immature about the situation. Her baby won’t be left with just “anyone”, they’ll be daycare specialists with many other children. Don’t give in, you’ve already explained to her the situation. You’re not being rude in ANY way…actually you’re being very helpful in even getting a “daycare on site”. Most people wouldn’t do this. If she isn’t coming because she doesn’t want to leave her child for a few hours, then that’s fine! I’m totally sure she has parents that could watch her baby for her while she’s at the wedding, anyway. At this point it seems like she just wants it her way, and only her way. Don’t stress over it.
Post # 8
She’s probably guilting you, hoping you’ll bend the rule for her. Honestly, people can be so rude. Sometimes, people pull the “I won’t come” line just so that maybe you’ll let them bring their kid. If they don’t come, they don’t come. Everyone’s priorities are different, and if she cannot separate from her kid, then that’s her choice. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!
Post # 9
We’re even more restrictive – no one under 18. If nothing else, the “older cousins” (16 or so) can always babysit the younger cousins and make some extra money. And would probably have a lot more fun than if they went to our stuffy friday night cocktail reception. This has caused some (all of our) problems, but it’s what I’ve always wanted, and I’ve already caved to having a (significantly) larger reception than I’m comfortable with. So, I won’t budge on this one.
Post # 10
I appreciate the support. The funny thing is that I’m more upset about displeasing anyone than the actual particulars of this situation. I find it very hard to say no to people.
Post # 11
I understand why you are upset. But like others have said, she is the one who should feel bad about this, not you. This is your wedding and you have been more than accomodating. The possiblities for her are endless as to what to do with her little girl: Get to know the babysitters ahead of time, arrange for her own babysitter at home, not come, etc. And the decision should be made behind the scenes. She shouldn’t put you in that position.
Stick to your guns and don’t feel bad. Like I said she has so many options and making you feel guilty should not be one of them.
Post # 12
We probably don’t have any one under 25 on our guest list! My Future Sister-In-Law and a good friend will both have itty bitty babies and I’m already preparing how to politely mention that they need to stay with grandparents for the evening.
You are being totally wonderful by offering child care!
Post # 13
I shared my views about this here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/for-those-planning-an-adults-only-reception Your friend is manipulating you with guilt and is being rude. I’m sure in the 2.5 yrs since she gave birth, she has been out w/o her child. I know a lot of parents have jobs that keep them away from home too much as it is, but it’s your choice and you are going above and beyond to accomodate. I would think most parents would really appreciate the babysitting service so they can enjoy a night out!
Post # 14
Your friend is being unreasonable. You have gone far beyond by even paying for and providing a sitter! Also this is not just any sitter…these are “professional sitters” =). My friends with children would love you! Surely she will come around and realize how completely unreasonable she is being.
Post # 15
Yep, you’re definitely not in the wrong! You drew a line (and a pretty generous one, IMHO!) and you have every right to stick to it. If your friend doesn’t value your friendship that much, maybe it’s not such a shame that she’ll miss out on the celebrations.
Post # 16
We’re not inviting anyone below 18 – and I think that’s completely acceptable. As long as there’s no exceptions, that is. My Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t take very kindly to our viewpoint – but as it’s our wedding, not hers, and she isn’t willing to pay for all the children (our venue doesn’t discount the meals for kids) we’re holding our ground on this one.
By The Way your friend is so rude – you’re definately not doing anything wrong!