Post # 1
Having been married and having stood up in other weddings before, I am not quite sure how to handle this situation. A friend asked me to stand up in the wedding. While I accpeted, I did with conditons as I knew this was going to be a challenging time for us as we were expecting and single income. THat being said, I stated that we were on a budget, so I would not be able to afford to throw the shower (but offered to help more tasks instead) and that I could not afford an expensive dress. Irrelevant, I do not know the other BM’s. The dress is $275 (not wearable again), and then all of the other things she has asked us to get done by her chosen people- hair and makeup $200, nails, and accesories, etc. over $1100. She had 3 showers. I polietely explained that with a newborn I could not attend all- I did one and gave a generous gift. As well as the bachelorette party. I want to make her happy but at the same time, Financials situation aside- I do not feel she has been very considerate of my feelings. She has not even bothered to come see our now 4 m/o baby, send a card or a thank you card for that matter! My feelings are hurt to say the least. I don’t have the heart to step down 6 weeks before their wedding, but I feel I was just asked to even out the party and to ‘put on’ a smile for the camera? Do I tell her how I feel before, after, ever? Has anyone been in this situation before?
Post # 3
i understand youre pissed. I am too just reading your post. You explained your situation and she still had no consideration. for your needs. Friends dont do that. That being said, stepping down at this point would just be to make a point. If you had stepped down before you purchased all the stuff, i think she would be more understanding. With 6 weeks to go, she’ll totally freak.
I would probably ease out of my friendship with her after the wedding. I mean, youre a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she hasnt even made an effort to see the baby! Did she at least send a gift (not that its all about the gifts)? Brides tend to only think of themselves the whole period leading up to the wedding and then wonder why they havent heard from any of their friends afterwards…
If you do chose to bring it up, wait until at least a month after the wedding. And be prepared for her to have no idea what your talking about and call you jealous (Ive been in a similar situation)
Post # 4
Just because she’s asked that you get your hair and makeup and nails by her chosen people, doesn’t mean you have to. You need to start saying ‘no’ to these requests now, if they don’t fit in your budget. The $275 dress is ridiculous enough, but you’ve spent over $1100 on things?? Can you return any of these accessories that have helped bring the total up that high? You have to protect your own financial interests here, and is her wedding really going to be ruined if you don’t have the same $200 shoes as everyone else? Good luck! Congratulations on the new baby!!
Post # 5
You explained to her directly upfront that you could not afford to live up to the standard bridesmaid duties. That was her and your chance to step down from you being a bridesmaid, but you stayed.
I don’t think you should drop out now. Even though it sounds like she didn’t honor your request, you still have an obligation as a friend to stay in her wedding.
I agree with what the other ladies said here.
Post # 6
Although I think she is being rude and inconsiderate, I personally would not say anything. If you wanted to step down, that would be one thing. However, because it sounds like you plan to stay part of her wedding party, in the end, it’s just not worth it.
Post # 7
Ugg. I feel angry for you. That being said, I agree with the pp. What I would have loved to see is you being assertive when she asked for $275 for the dress. Yes, you already gave parameters on being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and she was rude for disregarding them. But you needed to stick to your guns.
I can see if you thought well just $275 for the dress. That’s it. When did the $200 for hair and makeup come up? If it’s recently, you are not out of line to tell her you can’t afford it. Was she requiring it? Sorry, but I think if a bride requires her and makep services, she should pay. Even if she is requiring it, adn you say you can’t do it, what can she do anyway? Is she that much of a bridezilla that she’d kick you out of the wedding?
I think there is still good reason to talk to her and tell her that there are some expenses you can’t handle. Although the dress situation is probably past the expirations date, IMO. Unless it comes out naturally, I’d try to stay away from talking about her selfishness regarding the baby, until after the wedding, if you care to continue the friendship. It is rude of her to be so self absorbed as to not acknowledge your baby with a gift, when you are gifting all around to her right now. but unfortunately, the whole self centered bride stuff, is pretty common.
Post # 8
Wow. I can’t believe how some brides act. As a bride myself once I have asked my bridesmaids to buy their dresses and shoes besides making sure they are there on the day, I should be responsable for all the extras. This especially applies now with the economy the way it is. I am paying for my bridesmaid’s hair and makeup due to them already spending over $250 on just the dress and shoes.
The Bride should be considerate of every ones personal situation, if they aren’t or don’t listen, why are you in their wedding because no good friend would do that? My sister was recently in a good friends wedding and even though the bride chose designer dresses that were over $400, the bride paid them down to make them reasonable to the bridesmaids and their income levels. This is my day and if I want it a certain way I should pay for it not them.
This all being said I would return what I can, and decline all services the bride is not paying for. Also if you can get any money back on anything else do it. If the bride hasn’t shown you respect for having your child and your requests about being in the wedding, I would gracefully stepdown and cease to bother with someone who does not care as much about you as you do about them by accepting to be in their wedding. Hope this wasn’t too harsh! I just can’t stand inconsiderate people. Good luck with what you choose.
Post # 9
You’re right. She’s being totally inconsiderate. But to give her the benefit of the doubt…you remember what it was like to be a bride. She is probably stressed, and she is probably used to everything being about her right now. I really don’t think she is slighting you on purpose.
Make do until the wedding is over. As hard as this is on you, I am sure you are a great person and don’t want to ruin anything for her right before her wedding. Once she has returned from her honeymoon and gets back into the “realities” of life, she may realize how she behaved. If not, that is the more appropriate time to talk with her about how your feelings were hurt.