Post # 1
Hi everybody. I’m looking for some advice with our invitation and ketubah wording.
Mr.GV and I have very different relationships with our families. I’m really close to mine and have a pretty "normal" relationship with them… we obviously have the usual family issues, but we talk on the phone a lot, and my parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding. Mr.GV’s family, on the other hand, is totally out of the picture. I won’t get into the whole story, but suffice it to say that they never had a good relationship with each other *or* with him, his parents split up when he was in college, and he’s had very little contact with them since. It is a terribly sad situation that I’ve taken 6 years to wrap my head around and am only now starting to come to terms with. But I’m not really looking for advice on that aspect of it!
Since they’re not going to be invited to the wedding, we obviously don’t plan to put their names on the invitation. I know the traditional thing is to send the invite from the bride’s parents, especially when they’re paying, so that’s the logical thing to do in this case. But this isn’t an especially traditional or formal wedding, and "Mr. & Mrs. Mom&DadGV request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter" sounds way too formal to me. What do you think of something like this?…
Please join us as we celebrate the marriage of
GV and Mr.GV
October 2008 at 5 PM
Mom and Dad GV
So it’s sort of just like they’re signing the invitation as hosts. Does that seem a little less formal?
The ketubah is the other tricky thing. Most ketubot I’ve seen have the parents’ names, like in an aliyah to a Torah reading. I’d like to keep this in ours, since my parents are very important to me and I also like the traditional/historical aspect of the ketubah. But Mr.GV is 1)not Jewish and 2)estranged from his family. He’s comfortable with the idea of having a ketubah, but I haven’t yet broached this topic (the parents’ names) with him… I thought I’d ask the hive for advice first. Thoughts on creative wording, or how I can talk to him about it?
Post # 3
We wanted a sort of informal feeling, but my parents are definately hosting the event. We said:
Jane and John Smith
invite you to join them in celebrating
the marriage of their daughter
Groom’s Name (etc, etc).
Using first names rather than Mr. & Mrs. gives us the informality we wanted, while still making it clear that they are hosting. Not using the groom’s parents names is not an issue, as they usually don’t appear on the invitation (although we did put "son of… " after FI’s name as we wanted to acknowledge his mother).
Another thing you can do is to include your parents’ names on the reception card as the hosts, if you just want you and FI’s names on the invitation. A reception card can easily say "Please join us for dinner and dancing, hosted by Mr. and Mrs. GorgesViola, Location and Time."
Post # 4
<span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px”>Thanks for the great ideas, Suzanno. I’m thinking (for the moment!) that we’ll keep it the way we had it but add "their daughter," or something like that. Also, since my parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, too, maybe I’ll take your reception card idea and turn it around so that the Rehearsal Dinner card will be enclosed with the invite and be more obviously from my parents. (Our ceremony and reception are at the same site, so we don’t really need a reception card.) Thanks again!
I’d still be very curious to hear what any Tribe-savvy Bees have to say about the ketubah issue… (By the way, every time I type "ketubah," my fingers want to type "ketchup.")
Post # 5
oy, that is a hard one. I would talk to your rabbi/officiant, and the ketubah folk – look online for examples. Not all ketubahs mention parents, and something you can do is have both your parents names mentioned in the hebrew section, and then not in the english – kind of a compromise.
Post # 6
Okay, I’m not "Tribe-saavy" in the least, but here goes…
I’ve never seen a ketubah that didn’t have the names of the parents on them (even if they’ve died, in which case, they’ll say so). That being said, I see no reason why you would have to put the parents names on there. I’m assuming that you’re going to get an interfaith/secular ketubah anyway, so I tend to think that if you’re going to bend 1 Jewish tradition/rule/whatever they want to call this, you should bend them all =) (isn’t that the case with most rules though?!). So if you want to put your parents’ names on there, great, do it. If he doesn’t, great, don’t do it. Unless it’ll drive you up the wall with mismatched naming conventions, and at that point, you’ll have to discuss with him which means more: to keep your parents on or to take his parents off.
My ketubah designer is very willing to whatever we want for our text — space for the rabbi or not, more than two witnesses, etc. She’ll also do custom text. We actually don’t have any Hebrew on our ketubah! My Fiance is not Jewish either, and I thought it was strange to have his name and his parents names transliterated into Hebrew. We’re using http://www.newketubah.com.
So. After all that, if it doesn’t bother you to have mismatching names, I would leave the decision to put his parents’ names on there up to him.
PS — Our wedding ceremony isn’t taking place in a religious building, and thus Emily Post instructed us to say "Rebecca’s parents request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Rebecca and Rebecca’s Fiance…" I think it’s a little less stuffy (not sure if it’s less formal, but if we have people show up in jeans, then apparently it is).
Post # 7
Yes- "honor of your presence" is supposed to be used if the ceremony is in a church or synagogue. I think Mr. and Mrs. Parentsofthebride or Mom and Dad Parentsofthebride invite you to celebrate the marriage of their daugher, GV, to Mr. GV is great and it’s not unusual not to have the groom’s parents named on the invitation.
The formality of your wedding can also be indicated by your wedding invitation, website (if you have one) and if you are worried about what people will show up wearing, indicate the attire.
As for the ketubah. You are probably going to have trouble buying a ketubah online as the only thing they tend to have standardized text and only customize names and dates… There are a lot of interfaith or nondenominational ketubahs out there though so I’d recommend that the two of you look online to find texts that you feel represent you as a couple. Using a ketubah artist is a great idea but can get pricey. If you’re not planning to use Hebrew, you can find a local artist or art student who might be less expensive. Also- if you are being married by a rabbi make sure he/she is okay with the text before you finalize anything since the ketubah is the binding document in a Jewish wedding.
Post # 8
Hi! Not sure if you resolved this issue yet, but if your fiancee is Christian or Muslim, you could probably list him on the ketubah as "son of Abraham and Sarah", which is how the lineage of Jews-by-choice is listed.