(Closed) Sticky potential bridesmaid question..

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you are right on track. My sister had a destination wedding, and she did what you are doing, bought shoes, purses, etc. But me, along with the other BMs all paid our own travel and bought our own dresses!

Post # 6
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’ll be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for my friend next fall and she’s doing something similar for her Destination Wedding. I’m buying an LBD and my Fiance and I will pay for travel and lodging for us. My own wedding, although not a Destination Wedding, will mean she has to travel by plane since she’s moved so far away. Since she’s paying to fly home, I’m helping her out with lodging expenses by paying for a "girls’ room" the night before the wedding, and she’s rooming with a couple of girlfriends the next night. I’ve offered to cover 50% of the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and they can wear whatever accessories they want.

I don’t think there is a single expense of the BM’s that the bride is "required" to cover, except accessories/hair styling, but that’s only if you require them to wear matching shoes, etc., and have their hair styled a particular way. They are responsible for travel costs and Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, along with whatever else they want to wear that day if you don’t require something specific.

Post # 7
596 posts
Busy bee

i know this isn’t an answer to your original question but i read the blog post and i feel like if you are already have doubts about making this friend a bm, then i would highly suggest that you not ask her.  there are so many horror stories about good friends that make horrible bms – for whatever reason, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people.  plus, wedding planning is stressful enough without a bridesmaid making you feel cheap and crappy when you won’t cater to her every whim and demand.

i also think it’s presumptuous to assume that the bride should pay for all the guests’ lodging.  i’m curious to know how many destination weddings she’s been to where she was offered free lodging!  while it’s very generous to offer, it’s definitely not expected or required.  why else are invitations and wedding websites filled with information about hotel blocks and discounted rates? 

Post # 8
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

if i remember right, Emily Post says that BM’s pay for their own dresses, but that the couple pays for the wedding party’s accommodations. i don’t know if she has different rules for destination weddings.

and although she’s a little old-fashioned, i find that Emily Post is a great place to turn when you need The Final Word for a wedding-related argument.

Post # 9
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

for our Destination Wedding, the girls are buying their own dress (tbd style etc. but they will all be different and they get to choose). I am buying them jewelry and some other fun stuff.

I am paying for the rooms the night before but we are staying at a marina and their husbands (only 2 are married) are still staying at the resort.

You are not required to pay for their air travel and agree emilee that you should think long and hard before asking this girl to be a bridesmaid if she is already assuming this.

Post # 10
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I was in my BFFs Destination Wedding earlier this year.  While we traveled in the US, we covered all traveling costs, hotels rooms, etc.  The bride OFFERED to pay for our dresses (and did!).  I don’t think any of the other BMs expected her to do this, I know I didn’t!  But it was certainly very nice of her since we were paying for everything else. 

My opinion – pay for what you think is right.  If your wedding was at home and your Bridesmaid or Best Man lived out of town she’d still have to pay for her dress, hotel, traveling expenses.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with having them paying for everything themselves.  If they want to stand up for you at your wedding they shouldn’t have a problem with the cost. I agree with the other posters, if this girl is being difficult about this, she’ll probably be difficult about other stuff too.  Even when it sounds like you’re being very resonable… a little black dress can be inexpensive if you’re a bargain shopper and may even be one you already have! 

 Good luck!!

Post # 12
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m sort of splitting the baby–MOST of my bridesmaids are paying their own rooms, the ones coming form Japan and Italy-I am paying for but I am asking them to double up and they agreed.  In the US I think we all expect to pay for our own rooms, if you want to pay and you can..just do it. 

That being said, I have always had to pay for my own! 


Post # 14
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I did not have a destination wedding, however one of my bm’s lived out of state and had to fly and all of my bm’s had to stay in a hotel the night before the wedding.  I paid for my bm’s jewelry, purses, and gave them each a goody-bag with wedding day necessities.  I also took them to the spa two days before and I paid for their massages.  My bm’s paid for their own dresses and shoes, travel expenses, hair, make-up, and we all split the cost of a large 2 bedroom suite at the W. 

Not one of my bridesmaids questioned me on this — in fact the bm traveling from the east coast was almost offended when I asked her if she needed me to help with her travel expenses.  None of my bm’s are wealthy, we all make under $60K a year.  My moh didn’t want to pay for her hair and make-up so she simply did it herself (which I guess would have been an issue if I wanted them all to get it done).  I did have other issues with my moh, I won’t get into them here, but it never had anything to do with money.

Based on my experience, when a bm is giving you a difficult time it is either because they a) really don’t have the money b) really don’t want to be in the wedding or c) are a little jealous and are reacting badly


Post # 15
2 posts
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am paying for lodging for my bridesmaid and her fiance as well as our groomsman.  I am also paying for both of her bridesmaid dresses (ceremony and AHR) as well as many accessories.  I purchased a suit and accessories for the groomsman.  We are also paying for a couple of outings including vineyard tours, city tours, lunches, and a couple of other gifts along the way.  Maybe this isn’t the way it is "traditionally" done, but having been a bridesmaid I know how costly it can be and I would never want the cost to be a concern for someone supporting me at my destination wedding.  I wish I could have afforded to cover flights for all invited…but I’ll save that for our 25th destination anniversary party!

Post # 16
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

for my friend’s Destination Wedding, we (the BMs) paid our own hotel/flight expenses and for our Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. she gave us at least 8 months notice so that we could all save up and budget for it. there were a couple of girls that needed a little extra financial help which she graciously offered to help with so long as the BMs paid her back after the wedding when they could. it was definitely a touchy subject when we all discussed who paid for what. but i personally think that if you talk to her and make her understand all the other costs you and your future hubby have to incur, she’ll be more understanding of why she needs to pay for her own hotel/flight stuff!

oh… and FYI… last year i gave 100% CASHMERE pashminas as gifts to my girlfriends and aunts and they loved them! i got EACH for under $30 on amazon! they have them in tons of different colors!

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