(Closed) Sticky Situation

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I wouldn’t say that you “owe” it to her, but if you weren’t planning on asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, it was probably not the best idea to allow her and her husband to host your engagement party. That seems like something either family, or a member of the wedding party would do. She is probably trying to figure out why she is close enough for one thing, and not the other. I am not sure what you can do to “fix” the situation, especially if the engagement party has already happened. 

Post # 4
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You certainly don’t “owe” anything to her–she offered to host the engagement party, and she should have done that from the goodness of her heart. 

However…I would be scratching my head if I were your friend, too. I would find it strange that you asked my daughter to be in the wedding but not me. Still, I stand by my position that it’s your decision to make and no one else’s. 

By The Way, this is why I ultimately didn’t have BMs. Unless there are *really* clear friendship lines, it’s way too easy to hurt people’s feelings inadvertently. Anyway, good luck–if you explain it to her as you did to us, she should understand.

Post # 6
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think I would be a little upset, especially if I did your Engagement Party. It does seem like accepting that you would be thinking of her as a wedding party. Just a little bummed and pouty in my head for an hour… lol

That being said I would say that accepting does not mean there should be strings attached. It would make me as the bride feel like they did the party not out of the goodness of their heart, but because she wanted the praise and a title for doing so. Also being a rational adult you should see that just cuz someone doesnt ask you to have a title at their wedding doesnt mean they care about you any less than those who are in it. I am accepting a bridal shower from a non-family, non wedding party group of friends, and they would never guilt me into adding them. (although I am sending them a nice gift.)

Post # 7
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Miss Biner: regardless of whether or not she did or didn’t host the party, you don’t HAVE to let anyone be in the wedding.  You could offer her some other task, but it isn’t owed to her.  She should be honored you asked her daughter, in my opinon. 

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, especially since she’s a friend. 

Post # 8
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Ok, I was in a similar situation.  I have different group of friends and this group of girls, I just started hanging out and being close to them that past year.  When I told them I was engaged they were super excited and wanted to throw me an engagement party.  I was flattered and honoured so I said sure.  However, I didnt’ asked them to be in my bridal party bc at that time were still debating if we are doing a Destination Wedding or having a small one.

But when I did decide on it, one of the girl was pissed and the other two were understanding.  I felt super bad but I had these super close friends that I’ve known for 10 years or more that I had planned on being my BMs if I was to get married and I wanted to ask them.

I felt super bad about the whole situation but I dont thnk ppl should presume they are going to be Bridesmaid or Best Man. Fortunately it all worked out.  It’s a sticky situation nonetheless.

Post # 9
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

You don’t owe it to anyone to ask them to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. It was nice of her to offer to throw an engagement party… but that’s where it ends. Hopefully you got her a nice gift as a thank you. It seems like she was dong all of those things to ensure that she would be in your party. It doesn’t make sense that she wouldn’t want to go to the rehearsal dinner and be there to help you get dressed just because she’s not in the party. That’s an even bigger reason to keep her out of it. If it’s just the title she wants, then it’s not genuine and not worth it.

I think you should just explain to her that you want your bridal party to be smaller. The cost of adding extra people can be ridiculous. And you don’t want the headache of coordinating with so many people… you just want to relax on your big day. If she wants to help out in anyway, you will be grateful, but I don’t think you should change your decision. Let her be mad 🙂

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