(Closed) Sticky Situation Toddler Nephew at Reception But Not Ceremony

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Cappugcino:  Can I clarify: did your sister-in-law have a child free wedding? I mean 100% child free, no ring bearers or flower girls?

Because I think you’re within your right to say Markie can’t attend, but I predict a lot of family pressure over this – not just from your sister-in-law but perhaps also from your parents-in-law. So if you can point to your sister-in-law’s wedding you’re on much more solid ground.

My husband ended up missing part of my sister’s wedding while he took our 2 year old outside. It sucks but that comes with the territory if you’re parent.

Post # 5
Member
2952 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@Cappugcino:  I don’t think it’s really worth the drama it may cause, I would just let him come, surely one child wont be that much of a problem!

Post # 7
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Cappugcino:  OK then you say something like, “Sorry but it’s an adult only ceremony.” And don’t budge, that’s how it’s going to be.

If the parents protest, say something like  “You had your beautiful, uninterrupted, adult-only ceremony, and we want to be able to have the same thing.” Surely since they had their picture perfect destination wedding they’ll understand that? But mypass grandma and talk to them direct, because I notice the only one who’s protested so far is grandma, not them. Also bring Fiance to talk because she’s his sister.

You mentioned a resonsible teenager, perhaps you could mention her and (as a last resort) offer to help pay her yourselves. (Though you shouldn’t have to).

Post # 9
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Cappugcino:  Are you and your Fiance prepared if the sister declines coming to your Destination Wedding over this? I think when making these decisions you need to think about the worst case scenario and how you would deal with that and any fallout. If you can live with it then stick with your plan but if you don’t think you could deal with the possible fallout then I would back down.

Personally I would allow him to come since his parents are spending the time and money to travel to your Destination Wedding.

Post # 10
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Cappugcino:  I’m just going to say it – I’m really sick of parents who want to go to war when their kid isn’t wanted everywhere. 

Is there a place that Markie’s mother could remove him too if he starts to make noise at the ceremony?  A place where he wouldn’t be heard?  Could you trust her to whisk him out of there the second he acts up?  Would you be satisfied with this compromise?

If no, then I think the next question you have to ask yourself is what is the likely fallout from pushing this issie and is it worth the price of a quiet ceremony?

I mean, if you feel like your Fiance can approach his sister and she can be somewhat reasonable and see your side of it and agree to one of your suggestions, great – go for it. 

If you feel like there will be some drama but in the end, everyone will cope and you’ll get your quiet ceremony, great.

BUT, if Markie’s mother is one of those that will freak out and make this ALLLLL about her and her precious snowflake and refuse to come to the ceremony and get your FIL’s to side with her and THEY won’t come…are you prepared to deal with that?

The last thing you want to do is cause WWIII and ill will only to end up giving in and have Markie there anyway. 

I don’t blame you for not wanting this kid there and its too bad his mother doesn’t have sense enough on her own to realize you wouldn’t want her kid ruining your ceremony. 

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Post # 12
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

A lot of people are not going to leave their children with absolute strangers in a foreign country (or even this country).  I certainly wouldn’t.  I understand your reasons for not wanting Markie present (my daughters are 3 and 4, so I get it), but I think I’d probably try and approach it from a place where you are trying to help her find a way to keep Markie happy.  Most kids that age don’t want to sit through even a 15 minute ceremony quietly.  Perhaps you could suggest something fun Markie and another adult could do together during that time?  

Post # 14
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Cappugcino:  What else is there to do at your venue that is not at the ceremony site?  I don’t know what your venue is like, but if it’s an outdoorsy place maybe let him fly a kite, run around and be crazy, etc.  If he has to be indoors, bring crafty stuff.. that keeps my kids busy for hours.

 

My point is just that if you don’t want to offend her, I’d approach it like “Oh, we were just worried Markie would get bored.  Have you thought about having someone stay with him instead of dragging him to the ceremony?”  If you’re all like “We don’t want kids there, they’re loud”, she’s obviously going to be offended.

Post # 15
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Cappugcino:  Oh, sorry – I missed where you said that.

If I were you, I’d have your Fiance handle it with his sistor or at least do it together because its possible that YOU will be blamed for being mean to her kid.  Do you all have any idea what her reaction will be? I mean, is she fairly cool and reasonable or one of those annoying mommy blogger types who rails about ageism?

Frankly, I would hope that any reasonable person could understand that no couple wants their kid making noise and being a distraction at their wedding ceremony – that its not some personal insult to their kid.

Maybe your Fiance could send a quick e-mail saying something along the lines of,

“Hey Sis – I wanted to run something by you regarding the wedding ceremony.  The location is in an open valley that we have to get to by golf cart and the ceremony is right at Markie’s nap time.  We’re concerned that expecting him to sit through a 10 minute cart ride and a twenty minute ceremony is just going to be too much for him and he’s going to be unhappy. 

Would you consider allowing us to contact Responsible Teenager to see if she could sit with Markie at the hotel during the ceremony?  That way he could either keep his regular nap schedule and be ready to party down at the reception or she could just play with him.

Please give it some thought and let us know what you think. 

Love

Bro”

This way you can guage her reaction.  She’ll either say, hey great idea or some variation of freak out/offense taking.  If its the latter, you can either back down and avoid any further drama or be a little more direct that you are concerned abut Markie making noise during the ceremony and go from there.

 

Post # 16
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@stuckinwonderland:  While I agree it wouldn’t be diplomatic to say, “we don’t want noisy kids at the ceremony” I really have to wonder why this would be offensive?

I mean seriously, what couple ever says, “Gee, I really hope the kids talk, scream and cry during our vows, that would be great!”  Or even just doesn’t care that their ceremony is interrupted or that they or the guests can’t hear the vows?

Any reasonable parent should be able to understand that.  In fact, I think its crappy that bridal couples even have to worry about this.  You’d think parents of small kids would be considerate enough to make sure their kids don’t ruin people’s ceremonys and TELL the couple how they plan to handle it if their kid acts up.

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