(Closed) Sticky Topics re Father/Daughter & Mother/Son traditions

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

First – have your mom walk you down and give you away.  I know that it’s traditional to have a man walk you down, but who is most important to you?  I say ask your mom to do it or if not, then just do it without – unless you have a brother, uncle or other male person in your life to walk you down and "give you away"?

Second – my best friend lost her father and her husband (now) had lost his mother – both passed well before the wedding – and they had a table with pictures of them both on it and a flower for both of them – then the presented roses to the parent in memory of the other parent.  it wasn’t huge and a few people asked what it was even for as it was more a family thing and i thought it was done really nice.

they also have those vases and other things to remember those who are not with us to attend.

good luck!

Post # 4
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

On the first question — walk yourself!  I really, REALLY wanted to do that, but my dad (with whom I also do not have a good relationship) said he had his heart set on walking me.  I wasn’t about to just let it be him, so both my parents walked with me.  But ideally, I would’ve gone alone.

Post # 5
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Have your mom walk you or walk yourself.  No need to put on a show for the sake of tradition.  Your day will be more meaningful if it is built around what is important to you and your Fiance.  My father passed several years ago and my mom has since remarried.  Her new husband is a nice enough guy, but we’re not at all close.  My mom was so pleased when I asked her to walk me down the aisle.  It was a special moment and I was happy to share it with her.

For the rememberance, talk with your Fiance and see how he feels.  There are several ideas on this site about ways to honor those who passed – having a picture table, saving a seat with a flower, making a special dedication in the program, lighting candles, holding a moment of silence or giving thanks to all those that could be with you and to those who could not.

Post # 6
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think having your mom walk you down the aisle is a great option, but if you don’t want to do that, you could walk with your Fiance. I have a friend who did this and it was very sweet. The bridesmaids and groomsmen walked down in pairs, then my friend and her husband-to-be walked down together. He was grinning from ear to ear, she was blushing. It seemed to symbolize their going forward into commitment together.

Post # 7
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I also vote that you should have your mom walk you!  It’s not "traditional," but it’s also not rare anymore.  And it is nice to have a little moral support going down the aisle.

As for your FI’s mom, I would talk with him.  After all, it is his mom.  If he doesn’t want anything special done, then you should honor his wishes.  If he’s comfortable with a dedication in the program, as opposed to a more public remembrance (like the empty seat, or a photo displayed) then that’s how you should go.  My husband’s father passed away 9 months before our wedding, and both he and his mother very adamantly wanted nothing special done at the wedding.  They said they were going to be sad that he couldn’t be there, and that they didn’t need any extra reminder.  His mother went so far as to say that we had a memorial for his father when he passed away, and we shouldn’t try to turn what should be a happy occasion (our wedding) into a kind of memorial.  Some people go for that sort of thing, and some don’t – there’s nothing wrong with that.  I think that my husband and his mother both mostly felt wrong about having their grief (which was pretty recent) on display before a lot of people (my extended family) that they didn’t know, and who didn’t know his father.  I completely understand that.

Post # 8
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

Perhaps you can have your mom walk you down the aisle, then pause to give both your dad and your stepdad a hug before proceeding.  I think that the "honor" of being recognized should go to the people who created you and supported you as parents even if you’re not close today.  It’s about where you’ve come from, not just where you are today (just my opinion!).  It would be a nice surprise for both of your dads without making you uncomfortable.

I’m not sure that not mentioning your FI’s mom will keep him from being sad, so I agree that a simple acknowledgement will help clear the air and honor his mother.  Perhaps you can light a candle or have a moment of silence, or someone can speak on her behalf and tell him how happy she would have been for him… because I think it’s important that he’s reminded that she would have been proud and happy.

Post # 9
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

As far as walking down the aisle, do you have another figure that you are close to that you could ask?  My relationship with my father is strained, and my step dad didn’t want to do it solo, which he thought would take away from my dad.  So, I asked my grandfathers to walk me down together, as they have each had a substantial role in raising me into the woman I am today, and I wanted to honor each side of my family.  It was so special, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing.  My next option (due to one grandfather’s health) was to have my brother walk me down.  He was really nervous, but was prepared to be my back up.

 

As far as honoring your Mother-In-Law, I would do what your Fiance wants, making sure to honor his and his family’s wishes.  Really, there is no right or wrong way to honor someone so special!

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2009

The pictures on the table honoring the deceased family members is a great idea.  Also, it sounds like you aren’t too close with your dad but want to include him.  How about having your dad walk you half way to your mother and she walks you to your Fiance.

Post # 12
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

One of my best friend’s mother passed away about a year and a half before her wedding. At the ceremony, her father carried a sunflower (her mother’s favorite) down the aisle in remembrance of her mother, and one of the readers read a poem her mother had written when she was a newly wed. While it was very sad that her mother was not there, it was also a touching way for her mother to be remembered, and it wasn’t depressing for the guests or the bride and groom.

Post # 13
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I like the idea of writing something in the program. Your Fiance probably wont’ be reading the programs- certainly not during the ceremony like the rest of the guests- so that might be a good way to honor her without constantly reminding your Fiance of his sadness.

One thing that I am doing for my grandparents (one passed away, and four who will not be able to travel to my wedding) is that I am putting picture charms on my bouquet. I don’t know how close you feel to your FI’s mother or if her memory is something he has shared with you, but perhaps you could put a little charm on your bouquet.  You could either tell him ahead of time, or maybe even after the ceremony, when the emotions have died down a little, you could show him your bouquet and say that you wanted her to be a part of your special day.

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