Post # 1
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
Bees,
I used this site previously when I was engaged and planning my wedding. I found out my ex was cheating on me so I ended our engagement less than 2 months before the wedding. I was humiliated and having to call vendors and family members explaining that the wedding was off was one of the hardest things I had to do. I realize this was a first world problem, but at the time, it was incredibly painful.
Last month, I ran into a guy I dated in high school. We had not kept in touch because he was in the Air Force Academy and was overseas. He was back in my area because his family still lives here and he was able to get a job out here. We started seeing each other again and things seemed to be going really great.
The last week or so he was acting a bit distant. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing, so I dropped it, but my gut was telling me something wasn’t right.
Finally, last Friday he told me what was on his mind. We were supposed to go out but he called me at the last minute saying he could no longer see me. I was so surprised at what he admitted. He said he cannot get over the fact that I was engaged previously. I got defensive and again explained the reason I called the engagement off (even though I had mentioned it on our first date) and said that I couldn’t live with the constant fear of being cheated on again, and that I was better off ending the engagement then getting married and ending up divorced.
My explanation wasn’t enough to convince him. I asked for him to explain his feelings more as I felt he wasn’t being fair to me. I deep down felt like he thought I had brought the cheating on and didn’t give my ex a chance to work things out. He said it just bothered him and couldn’t really explain why. I said I wasn’t going to beg for his attention and I deserved someone who wasn’t going to judge me or hold my past against me.
Since then, the last few days I have been moping around really bothered by his comments. I am second guessing myself. Did I not try hard enough? Did I end things too abruptly? And most importantly, am I considered damaged goods because I ended my engagement?
My friends have been very supportive saying that if he can’t see past that and see what a great person I am then it’s his loss. I want to believe them. I keep telling myself that many people have been through this and have found happiness, but right now I feel very alone.
I guess I’m just looking for some encouragement. I really had this guy pegged wrong.
Post # 2
Member
5072 posts
Bee Keeper
wow. You dodged a bullet with that one. You don’t owe this guy any type of explanation
I had a broken engagement many years ago. Great guy except that he couldn’t stop drinking alcohol. I couldn’t live like that.
I never felt a stigma from it at all. I felt relief.
Post # 3
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
I said I wasn’t going to beg for his attention and I deserved someone who wasn’t going to judge me or hold my past against me.
Good for you! I’m thinking maybe this guy is a traditionalist and believes a woman should “stand by her man” no matter what? Or he wants to be the first and only person to ever propose to/be engaged to a given woman? Or he has cheated in the past and doesn’t feel it’s a break-up-worthy offense?
Whatever it is, consider yourself lucky that you found this out about him early on. Obviously you made the right choice in breaking off your engagement, and that reflects WELL on you. Spend time with your supportive friends and do things you enjoy, and forget that jerk. 🙂
Post # 4
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
Firstly, it is 100% his loss. If he can’t see past this then he doesn’t deserve you. Many people have ex’s yours just happens to an ex fiance. If anything I think this broken engagement shows how strong you are that you know you deserve to be treated right and not cheated on. This guy should respect the fact that you have enough sense of self to look after yourself.
From a slightly different perspective, my SO was engaged once before (when he was 19 and they never started planning a wedding) but she ended it not him. I found it hard when he first told me because I felt like 2nd choice or a consolation. As if he would still be with her or would rather be with her. It took me a while but he’s assured me that although I may not be his first fiance I will be his first (and only! :p ) wife.
It may be that this man feared you were still hung up on your ex or on the rebound? No matter what this reflects badly on him NOT on you. You were strong enough to end your engagement, you’re strong enough to survive this too.
Post # 5
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
What a dick! He can’t get over the fact you respected yourself enough to get out of a situation that would have made you utterly miserable? Or that you refuse to allow someone to disrespect you and the commitment they make to you?
So very much dodged a bullet on this one.
Pay this douche no heed
Post # 6
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
what?! I know so man people who did not go through with engagements, myself included. I mean if you had you couldn’t be with him anyway since you’d be married, right? Logic! Good luck OP, you deserve better.
Post # 7
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
It’s him! NOT YOU. You will come across a lot of men who think there is something wrong with you, and it’s not true! The same stigma is out there for divorced people as well… I can’t tell you how many times I was told by men I was dating that I was “damaged goods.” They’re not worth your time and you deserve better!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you did nothing wrong. Keep your chin up, bee! The right one will come along! <3
Post # 8
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee
redmango: I would have ended the engagement in your situation. There is nothing wrong with you or your actions. PPs are right, you dodged a bullet (both with your ex-fiance and this new guy).
Post # 9
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
Good for you! This guy is a douche. You dont have to waste any more time with him.
Post # 10
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
Oh boy. I agree with the folks above me, you’re better off without him. What kind of person would judge you for recognizing a situation that wasn’t right for you and removing yourself? It seems crazy to me. You sound very logical and down-to-earth. It’s a good thing this guy showed his true colors now.
Post # 11
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
What an ASS. You are so much better knowing this about it now vs later. How would he had reacted if you had gone through with the marriage and then divorced?
You deserve much better. A broken engagement is nothing to be ashamed about. It takes a very STRONG person to make the hard decision and you should be proud of yourself.
You are not damaged goods. You’re a smart woman who deserves a guy who respects her.
Post # 12
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
You’re better off without him. I dated someone who couldn’t get over the fact I was married before. It doesn’t change who I am so good riddance! This guy is obviously not the right guy for you. Next!!!
Post # 13
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper
There’s no stigma to having a broken engagement, most people are compassionate enough to understand this. But from your post it’s unclear if he had a problem with you breaking the engagement or whether he had a problem that you’d been engaged to someone else previously. Either way he sounds like an insecure judgmental dickhead. If his issue is that you broke an engagement, the implication being you should have stuck by your ex no matter what- then he’s of the mindset that a guy can do what he wants and the woman should tolerate it, ugh, no way. If his issue is that you’ve been engaged before, then this reeks of insecurity, as in I can’t bear the thought that you ever had a life before we became a couple and I’ll be jealous of any past you have with anyone else, in fact I’ll probably at some point throw it in your face that you weren’t a virgin. Again, ugh. So either way this guy meant he has a problem with your past engagement, he’s coming off as so piously judgmental and insecure that you don’t need that shit in your life. Good for you for telling him what’s what. Don’t worry sweetie, your friends are right, it’s most definitely his loss. No guy worth your time would ever make you feel like damaged goods.
Post # 14
Member
7364 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Fuck him. Close minded prick. His loss. Way too controlling and judgemental for my taste.
Post # 15
Member
1852 posts
Buzzing bee
What a load of rubbish! Your friends are correct OP, his loss.
Honestly though you are probably lucky you’ve found out early that he is a judgemental twat.
don’t let his opinion bother you because frankly, its stupid.