(Closed) Still devastated by Miscarriage 5 years & one rainbow baby later

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
15196 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Maybe talking to a grief counselor would help?  Or just focus on the positives.  You said your family of 4 is complete, this should be a good thing… focus on what you have.  Plenty of people suffer from primary fertility and have miscarriage after years of trying and don’t even have that first easily conceived child to “save them” and “live for”… and then some go one to not be able to have a child.  I’m sure you realize how lucky you actually are to have had your first so easily, and eventually have your second… focus on that.

Post # 4
Member
8911 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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broccoli2309 :  It sounds like you could benefit to speaking to someone as PP suggested. There is no time limit on loss. Your feelings are normal and valid and prehaps you would benefit from chatting them through with someone who is qualified. Big hugs to you.

Post # 5
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am so sorry for your losses. I havent been through this,  but my advice would be to just allow yourself to be sad around the anniversary. There’s nothing wrong with that and its completely understandable. Maybe in time it will fade, maybe not. If its not affecting your day to day life then I dont think its something you need to “fix”.

Post # 6
Member
15196 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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broccoli2309 :  I think that sounds “normal”.  Anniversarys and things like seeing someone else goes through it, even in a movie can bring up a lot of those feelings.  As long as it’s not consuming your every day and effecting your life.  I lost my sister 15 years ago, and every Nov (her birthday) and April (her passing) it hits me a little harder than normal.  I haven’t passed the anniversary of my supposed due date (dec 9)… but I’m sure that will suck too unless I find a good distraction.

Post # 7
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. I would seek counseling if it’s overwhelming. If it’s mostly around the anniversary, that is completely normal. I know every loss is different, but I feel an overwhelming dread and sadness around the anniversary of both of my parents’, usually a couple of weeks leading up to it. The day after, it feels like a weight has been lifted. Hope you feel better or at least can accept that’s how you’ll feel around the anniversary.

Post # 8
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

No need to feel ashamed for still feeling this way. It does sound like you could really beneift from a grief counselor though and it absolutely can’t hurt. While, yes, you have other blessings in your life , that doesn’t take away from what you’ve lost and you are more than entitled to grieve it — It does not mean you love your family any less. Everyone grieves differently. Many hugs to you! 

Post # 9
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t speak from experience with this specifically, but I would think that your way of going through this process of healing is your own. Everyone mourns loss differently. If you feel like you need some help moving forward, I think pps have given great advice. Speaking to a counselor or finding a support group may help you vocalize your thoughts and feelings which in turn may help you feel more at peace.

Post # 10
Member
1717 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Dear Bee, 

I am so sorry. I have found, in a time of profound loss and devestation, when it just kept going on… comfort in Cheryl Strayed’s book “Tiny beautiful things” and in particular her answer written to a woman who lost her baby and can’t to move on. Her words are etched in my heart and every time I feel that incredible heart wrenching loss I remember them. Also, she writes to to a father who lost his son some very brave truths that comfort. I find the book very comforting. No sugar, no platitudes. Just “radical” compassion and truth. 

In the meanwhile, maybe this helps. Maybe not. But I wish your brave and loving heart strength and support to get through the upcoming time.  

http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/

 

Post # 11
Member
9182 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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broccoli2309 :  I think it is great that you have the strength and courage to talk about your loss. For some reason society still treats miscarriages as something that needs to be hidden. Everyone grieves differently, some might not want it known or talked about but others I think need to. I just wish we as a society were more open to talking about the uncomfortable stuff so it stops being just that uncomfortable. 

I agree that grief counselling might be a good way to go and what about a support group (even online) to connect with others who have gone through it too. There is definitely, in some cases, some truth to the saying that unless you have gone through it you will never understand it. 

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