Post # 1
For the last few years this has always been an especially hard time for me. You see, I was able to conceive my first child without even trying. She was a complete and total surprise. A scary, unexpected, welcome, and happy surprise but nevertheless, certainly unplanned. Fast forward five years later to my second pregnancy and first miscarriage. I was only a few weeks along and didn’t even realize I was pregnant until I m/c. I was devestated. This pregnancy too was unplanned, but losing it made me realize how much I wanted it. In all of talks about family and such, we had always said we wanted two kids(though spaced several years apart)
Two years later I was finally pregnant again and we were so excited. We told everyone, chronicaled it all online and were so happy. I started stockpiling diapers and even bought our daughter a t-shirt that said “Awesome big sister”. Unlike my first pregancy where I didnt show until my 7th month, my stomach starting protruding almost immediately this third time around. Once we got to 13 weeks and to the “safe zone”, I felt like a thousand weights had been lifted from me. About half way into the thirteenth week I started spotting and having heavy back pain and immediately went to the hospital. And just like that, the dream was over. Apparently, for reasons unknown and barely into my early 30’s, I was suffering from what is known as “secondary infertility”. Getting pregnant was not a problem. It was STAYING pregnant that would prove to be the challenge.
Unless you’ve been through something like that, you have no idea what it does to you emotionally. It was honestly the only time in my life where I seriously wanted to die. People tried to be supportive but everything they said in the aftermath just sounded so stupid and pissed me off. I fell into a black hole of anger and depression. My first born was who and what saved me though I would still have sudden and frequent breakdowns about it last to to this day.
Another 2 years later and I finally was able to carry a second child to term, even going a week past my due date. She’s now 3 years old and our family of four is complete. And yet as we approach the 5 year anniversary of the second miscarriage, I stlll feel that horrible depression and sense of loss kicking in. No one really understands it, especially since Ive been able to successfully carry another child since. I know had I had either of the two previous babies, I more than likely would not have my second daughter. I know she is the child God wanted me to have. It just took a little longer getting there. But I still hurt. Anytime a friend or relative miscarries or I see one depicted in movies, I just fall apart and cry. Im not sure if I will ever completely get over it.
Is that okay or even normal? Or should I just get over it? And if so, how??
Post # 2
Maybe talking to a grief counselor would help? Or just focus on the positives. You said your family of 4 is complete, this should be a good thing… focus on what you have. Plenty of people suffer from primary fertility and have miscarriage after years of trying and don’t even have that first easily conceived child to “save them” and “live for”… and then some go one to not be able to have a child. I’m sure you realize how lucky you actually are to have had your first so easily, and eventually have your second… focus on that.
Post # 3
I do know how lucky I am for several reasons. I have always said that I am thankful my infertility was only secondary and not primary. And that if it was in God’s plan for me to lose a child, I am happy it had to happen this way and not as a still birth or a child who passed away after being born. I know myself well enough to know those are not losses I could handle.
I think I should clarify as it does get muddled here that for the most part, I have continued on with my life. It is only around the time of the anniversary (Sept 21) and the due date that I really struggle still with my feelings about it. Of course if I see or hear of something that takes me back to that time like a movie or something, I do still cry about it. Just like I cry when I see movies depicting a grandmother dying and mines been gone over 20 years.
Post # 4
It sounds like you could benefit to speaking to someone as PP suggested. There is no time limit on loss. Your feelings are normal and valid and prehaps you would benefit from chatting them through with someone who is qualified. Big hugs to you.
Post # 5
I am so sorry for your losses. I havent been through this, but my advice would be to just allow yourself to be sad around the anniversary. There’s nothing wrong with that and its completely understandable. Maybe in time it will fade, maybe not. If its not affecting your day to day life then I dont think its something you need to “fix”.
Post # 6
I think that sounds “normal”. Anniversarys and things like seeing someone else goes through it, even in a movie can bring up a lot of those feelings. As long as it’s not consuming your every day and effecting your life. I lost my sister 15 years ago, and every Nov (her birthday) and April (her passing) it hits me a little harder than normal. I haven’t passed the anniversary of my supposed due date (dec 9)… but I’m sure that will suck too unless I find a good distraction.
Post # 7
I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. I would seek counseling if it’s overwhelming. If it’s mostly around the anniversary, that is completely normal. I know every loss is different, but I feel an overwhelming dread and sadness around the anniversary of both of my parents’, usually a couple of weeks leading up to it. The day after, it feels like a weight has been lifted. Hope you feel better or at least can accept that’s how you’ll feel around the anniversary.
Post # 8
No need to feel ashamed for still feeling this way. It does sound like you could really beneift from a grief counselor though and it absolutely can’t hurt. While, yes, you have other blessings in your life , that doesn’t take away from what you’ve lost and you are more than entitled to grieve it — It does not mean you love your family any less. Everyone grieves differently. Many hugs to you!
Post # 9
I can’t speak from experience with this specifically, but I would think that your way of going through this process of healing is your own. Everyone mourns loss differently. If you feel like you need some help moving forward, I think pps have given great advice. Speaking to a counselor or finding a support group may help you vocalize your thoughts and feelings which in turn may help you feel more at peace.
Post # 10
I am so sorry. I have found, in a time of profound loss and devestation, when it just kept going on… comfort in Cheryl Strayed’s book “Tiny beautiful things” and in particular her answer written to a woman who lost her baby and can’t to move on. Her words are etched in my heart and every time I feel that incredible heart wrenching loss I remember them. Also, she writes to to a father who lost his son some very brave truths that comfort. I find the book very comforting. No sugar, no platitudes. Just “radical” compassion and truth.
In the meanwhile, maybe this helps. Maybe not. But I wish your brave and loving heart strength and support to get through the upcoming time.
Post # 11
I think it is great that you have the strength and courage to talk about your loss. For some reason society still treats miscarriages as something that needs to be hidden. Everyone grieves differently, some might not want it known or talked about but others I think need to. I just wish we as a society were more open to talking about the uncomfortable stuff so it stops being just that uncomfortable.
I agree that grief counselling might be a good way to go and what about a support group (even online) to connect with others who have gone through it too. There is definitely, in some cases, some truth to the saying that unless you have gone through it you will never understand it.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice. I think the thing that bothers me is that if I were mourning the anniversary of losing an actual person, people would understand that. But when you say m/c people dont understand bc the baby “wasnt real” and I have been able to have one since. Ive actually had someone say to me “its like crying over an imaginary friend while being in a room surrounded by real friends” My heart doesnt feel that way. I may have never held or named by babies or even known if they were girls or boys, but they were real. I heard the second ones heartbeat. So thank you all for reassuring me that I am not crazy.