- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Okay I will try and make this as short and sweet as possible:<br /><br />
My first boyfriend and first honest-to-goodness love was when I was 16-18 and on-again off-again dating a guy in high school 2 years younger than me. Our relationship was kind of odd and complicated, mostly because he fell for my (former) best friend first, then I picked up his broken heart when she rejected him. Even though he and I were pretty much opposites, we had a pretty intense relationship, IMO. We “argued” about a lot of things (I believed in an afterlife, he did not, for example) but it was good natured and passionate. I guess they weren’t really arguments, just heated discussions. And somehow things like this fueled our relationship. We’d do this about important stuff (like religion) and stupid stuff (like the quickest way to get to Mr. Soandso’s history class from the band room). <br />The problems? Well, he was 2 years younger and his mom was SUPER over-protective. It was a battle just to hang out with him (or go to Homecoming, Prom, etc) and for some reason he’d never stand up to her. <br />And while he was passionate about a lot of things (politics, music, running, etc), he was pretty closed off when it came to genuine feelings. He’d never admit “really liking” or (god forbid) loving anyone. While he’d hint towards his feelings about me and us, he’d never actually SAY it or confirm that he was commiting to me or us (think Patrick Swayze’s character in Ghost with the whole “ditto” thing).
That being said, we still managed to have a TON of good times together in school. And even though we never had sex, I still always felt incredibly close to him.
Our relationship ended rather abruptly shortly after I graduated. Within a few weeks, his mother completely forbid him to see me or even talk to me on the phone (oh the days before cell phones). She wouldn’t let him come to my Grandfather’s funeral that June or my graduation party. And so we never really got to say good-bye or anything.
It took me YEARS to even accept this. Honestly, for a while, I really felt like he had died because things ended so suddenly. Even when I dated other guys, all I could think about was him.
When I met my husband 6 years ago (5 years after graduating), I finally felt like my heart was put back together. I love my husband so so incredibly much and am eternally thankful for him. I would NEVER EVER do anything to jeopardize our relationship. He means so much to me and the thought of hurting him or losing him in any way takes my breath away.
But sometimes the high school boyfriend still creeps into my brain. For the longest time (even after we’d stopped talking), I really, truly felt that he and I were supposed to be married.<br />Looking at that from a logical standpoint, I know it’d never work. We were too different and he was too stubborn. And I couldn’t devote myself to someone who was so closed off emotionally.
But then again …. we had passionate conversations that only happen in movies. Like, in the Notebook when they’re lying on the street or when Noah tells Allie how she’s selfish and stuff but then says they’re going to have to work at their relationship everyday and it’s going to be hard. That reminds me of us. It sounds so dumb even typing it, but it’s true.
Anyway, what brought this all up again was the fact that over the last year or so (since being married), I have had 2 or 3 seriously INTENSE sexual dreams about this high school Boyfriend or Best Friend. In all of them, we’ve had incredibly hot sex. I mean, I could feel our hands on each other, our tongues touching, him inside me. And in every dream, I just KNOW that this is our last chance to be together, and by the time we finish making love, I’m crying …. and in real life, I wake up sobbing (luckily my husband works 2nd shift so he hasn’t witnessed the aftermath of these dreams).
The dreams come out of nowhere. I won’t be thinking of the Boyfriend or Best Friend for months and WHAM all of a sudden we’re having hardcore sex in the high school gym. And I can’t get him out of my head for days afterwards. It’s like a physical ailment. And while I do dream (in general) quite often and rather vividly, NONE of those dreams compares to these kind.
I am just really confused and even worse, feel incredibly guilty. WHY am I having these dreams? (I am quite satisfied with my husband in every sense of the word). WHY are the dreams so intense? And WHY can I NOT get this kid out of my head????? I truly believe that first loves are something special, and I understand that those people will more than likely always have a piece of your heart but …. this is different.
I don’t know what to do!!! I feel like an awful, stupid person and a horrible wife……