Still feeling sad even post engagement

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Do you think this feeling will go away over time?

    Yes, just give yourself time to adjust.

    No, Talk to him.

  • Post # 46
    Member
    9939 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    sadlyoutoflove :  It sounds like you should have said no when he proposed.  

    Post # 47
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

    I don’t get the Bees on here half the time… I don’t understand how this is being twisted into being your fault…”My fiance threatens to move out every time we fight, dangled the ring in front of my nose for four months, won’t acknowledge that we’re engaged or talk about the wedding, and won’t even tell his family”.

    What he is doing is not normal, and he should be excited too.  Yeah- proposals aren’t always ideal and just how you imagined, but what they mean should be an important part of your life.  I would be upset in your shoes.  If this was just about the proposal, I’d tell you to move on and be happy you’re engaged but there’s a lot more to this story than that.  You guys need to talk about why you’re getting married, and whether or not it’s really the right choice for you both.

    Post # 48
    Member
    1579 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    It sounds like your guy has been an ass on purpose for a long while. 

    Why are you still putting up with it?  If he’s not excited about being engaged and doesn’t want to tell people he’s engaged, give him back his ring and get someone who doesn’t think being engaged to you is a shameful secret.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1502 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019

    This will not end well. Maybe this is harsh but based on OP’s orginial post, it sounds like she wanted a ring and a wedding, not a marriage. This is a toxic relationship and you both deserve better. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    87 posts
    Worker bee

    I hear you, you do want to be married, and it’s not only about a ring and wedding. But it overwhelmingly does not look like he is on even close to on the same page as you. I mean, he won’t even tell people? Huge red flag. I’m sure these responses are not what you want to hear, but it doesn’t look good at all from the information you gave. 

    Also, I’d have lost my actual shit with the ring on the nightside table for months. That’s just cruel.

    Post # 52
    Member
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee

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    sadlyoutoflove :  I get you. I think it’s very hard to understand unless you’ve been through  it. Normally I am a very strong and self confident independent woman. This takes a n emotional toll on you. 

     

    As someone going through this, I think the only answer lies in you. You are uncomfortable now. Me too. Tell him you are not quite there. All of this has taken a toll on you emotionally. That it may take some time to trust his true intentions.

    That’s is what I intend to do. Take your power back. He abused your trust, and you are hurt and confused. Take time. Maybe the trust will rebuild but he will have to work at it. Pull back a little. 

     

    Hugs 

     

    Post # 53
    Member
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee

    I wanted to add, don’t wallow in resentment. You are going to poison the good you do have. I actively work to not have resentment be a use I know it will kill everything it touches. Honestly, you will need to shift your thinking and rewind a little. 

     

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    1502 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019

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    sadlyoutoflove :  my apologizes if I sounded harsh and I understand that no one really knows what your particular situation is like expect for you & your fiance. Based on the things you’ve said and my own personal experience, it seems that being engaged was the purpose of this relationship and with that many expectations were set and ultimately unmet. It’s not a criticism about you or your choices but a reality of how life works; I have had similar expectations in the past and neither engagement or marriage fixed the feelings I always had but ignored. 

    But I am just some stranger on the internet and anything any of us say should be taken with a grain of salt. Not saying the beehive isn’t helpful because it is! I think you’ve gotten some good advice here and I agree that therapy might be helpful for yourself, your fiance, and as a couple. Best of luck, bee!  

    Post # 55
    Member
    254 posts
    Helper bee

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    co_katherine :  I completely agree with this sentiment.  This is not your fault.

    You were unhappy pre-engagement because your guy wasn’t ready to commit.  He proposed, in the worst way imaginable, and then continued to not commit. The issue is not that your proposal was disappointing.  The issue is that since he proposed, he has not acted like an engaged man.  He has not seemed happy or excited to move forward with you. 

    You are justifiably scared that it was a shut up proposal because that’s what his actions tell you it was.  You still feel resentment because nothing has changed in terms of the commitment you feel from him.  (Yes, engagement won’t fix your relationship, but it should give a sense of increased security.)

    Talk to your Fiance.  However, if his actions dont change, it may be time to move on.  (Maybe he is ashamed of how he proposed?  That may account for his current behavior.)I had an ex who could never quite commit.  I realized that if I stayed with him I would spend my whole life dragging him unwillingly behind me through life.  I had visions of me begging him at 40 for kids, desperately hoping for a house, being worried he might not walk down the aisle.  It sounded like a nightmare.  I left and it was really hard.  However I met my hubby a few months later. 

    When you are with someone who is as excited as you are to move forward, there wont be any resentment.  You should ne happy right now and you shouldn’t have to try.  The fact that you are so miserable is a really big warning sign.  

    Post # 57
    Member
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee

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    sadlyoutoflove :  Good for u. And I bet you feel a whole lot better. Btw I just did the exact same thing. Hugs. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    97 posts
    Worker bee

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    sadlyoutoflove :  I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for you, even if it may not have been easy. Hopefully he understands and you two can continue to grow together. I would not press the talk of marriage again, he knows where you stand and he needs to get it together if he wants to be married to you. I hope everything works out for you!

    Post # 59
    Member
    1991 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Good for you bee.  Get some of your own back.  However, I don’t think your resentment will go away simply BECAUSE you got a shut up ring instead of an actual statement of his commitment to you which is what the e-ring symbolizes right?  All the reasons that created the resentment are still there and haven’t been resolved.  He doesn’t even sound open to having a calm conversation or even providing a timeline.   I’d suggest couples counseling but based on your post he doesn’t even seem open to that.  He simply doesn’t seem all that committed to you bee but wants his comfort zone regardless of what its doing to you.

    I hope I’m wrong bee, truly I want you both to prove me wrong…..but I just think its a matter of time before things come to a head. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    786 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

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    sadlyoutoflove :  When things cool off and y’all are cute again, consider talking to him about a time line to try this again, otherwise you risk repeating this mess (unclear expectations and dragging through a proposal).

    It was unfair of him to be on Team Marriage so early on, just to drag his feet and do such a sloppy job with the engagement. He’ll likely continue to operate that way unless you make your needs known. Don’t settle for a mediocre relationship.

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