Post # 61
I have trouble believing that any Bee who waited for years, was pushed aside multiple times, had a guy who would talk about marriage all the time but do nothing to achieve it, and had a guy giving all these excuses with seemingly no desire to propose, instantly lost their resentment when a proposal finally came. That doesn’t make sense, that doesn’t match human nature, and I’ve seen Bees on here post the opposite.
In your case, not only did you have to wait 3 years while your guy acted like he wanted marriage from the get go and called you wife (I personally believe guys calling their SO wife without marriage is a stalling tactic), but now that he has proposed (during a fight when you were considering leaving), he shows no desire to follow through. He’s making you feel like a secret and doesn’t want to set a date. Yes, that’s a shut it up proposal. So, even if instant resentment fix is a thing, it likely wouldn’t be possible with your particular scenario because there’s still no follow through.
Don’t settle for a shut you up marriage. Definitely sit down and say, “Fiancé, you don’t want to talk about a wedding and you still refer to me as your gf, and you kept our engagement a secret from your family for 2 months, that along with the way you proposed during a fight has me second guessing your desire to marry me and whether or not we want the same things. Can you please be open with me about what you’re feeling and if you want marriage? An engagement will not fix our issues. I still want marriage, and if you don’t, we’re not compatible, and we need to split up so that we’re both happy in the future.”
Post # 62
Yup! Broke off the “engagement”. He will be re-proposing when he’s actually ready to wed.
And this sounds really dumb but I kept reading these threads with girls who were proposed to and said all the anger melted away and I really hoped I’d be one of those girls.
Post # 63
That’s awesome! So many people can let fear prevent them from talking these things out, and all that’s lost is time. So, I’m glad you were able to make that move.
However, if marriage is important to you, I’d start considering how long you’re willing to wait. I know some Bees are saying 3 years isn’t that long, but depending on your age, it really can be. I personally dated DH for 10 months before he proposed. We married 5 months after that. I know my timeline isn’t right for everyone, but I always knew that I wouldn’t wait longer than 1 to 1.5 years. I want children and with my PCOS, it’ll likely be difficult to conceive. I also was ready to settle down and didn’t want to be serial dating. I would only date guys who were genuinely interested in marriage and a family – men who were compatible with what I wanted for the future.
I’m not saying to up and leave, and your cancelling the engagement and returning the ring might be the wake up call he needs, but just make sure you’re in a relationship that can supply what you need.
Post # 64
Im really sorry about your situation, Bee, but please remember that you’re choosing to stay with someone that isn’t respecting you. I know you love him…I get that, but from an outside perspective, with just the information you’ve written about – why allow him to disrespect you like that? You deserve better, and I say it with love and compassion – be well <3