Still no proposal

posted 3 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Are you already pregnant bee? How old are you two? You’re definitely already engaged by most people’s standards – you’re actively planning a wedding and have purchased a ring together. Does your bf procrastinate terribly with other things? It could just be simple procrastination (which would annoy the heck out of me but you decide what you are willing to put up with). It could also be that he’s having doubts about either the timing of everything or your future together entirely. You won’t know which one it is until you sit him down and give him the opportunity to open up about what’s holding him back. Then you can decide what you’re willing to compromise on and what’s best for you moving forward. Good luck bee 💕

Post # 3
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

First, congratulations on the baby. Second, stop planning this wedding you don’t know is going to happen. Third, have a frank discussion with him and explain that you want to be engaged by x date and that you want to be engaged and it’s not just about the proposal. It doesn’t need to be this big spectacle. Marriage is oh so much more than the proposal. My gut tells me that he isn’t ready yet because he hasn’t planned it at all. Especially if he couldn’t take the initiative to pick out your ring. 

Post # 4
Member
1976 posts
Buzzing bee

Stop planning until you’re officially engaged. You clearly don’t consider yourself engaged yet and the formality of the proposal seems important to you so you need to insist on that.

Tell him if he wants to do things the right way then he can propose in a timely manner like a normal person and then start planning your wedding. Until then, you’re not planning anything. If he blows his own deadline then too bad- he loses his chance to propose. 

Youre allowing him to do things ass-backwards. Put your foot down. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t but you need to stop putting the cart before the horse by looking at wedding stuff with a guy you’re not engaged to 

Post # 5
Member
1976 posts
Buzzing bee

ETA: he’s had the ring for 3 months and still hasn’t figured out how to ask you 4 words in all that time?

Either he is a horrible procrastinator who you will have to drag through life or he doesn’t really want to marry you and he’s stalling. Either way isn’t good.

Post # 7
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

I’m confused. You’re planning a wedding. Do you have a date set? Vendors? A venue? If so, the ball is already rolling on the getting married part, so maybe he sees the ring/proposal as less time-sensitive? 

Post # 9
Member
7884 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Under pressure?? It has been TWELVE YEARS. You have only started askiing him about it recently. If he considers that “pressure,” he’s delusional. Letting down the person you love repeatedly is a great way to lose everything that matters to you. I wish I had better advice, but I couldn’t have waited as long as you already have. You’re making the best decision not to become pregnant until you are married. 

Post # 10
Member
3018 posts
Sugar bee

I would table all talk of wedding planning, venues booking up, and getting pregnant. Because your post makes me concerned he doesn’t even want to get engaged right now. 

You say he feels pressured. In the context of getting engaged, “feeling pressured” is not something one experiences if they really want to do the thing. You feel pressure when someone’s expectations of you conflict with your own needs/wants/abilities. 

So rather than telling him he needs to do it ASAP because venues are filling up, family needs notice, etc., I think you need to forget all that and have a heart to heart. just genuinely ask him to be completely honest with you about where his head is re: marriage. Because I think that’s the elephant in the room here: does he actually want this?

Post # 11
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

Ah. Does he have a concrete idea of how long planning a wedding would take? It doesn’t seem as though he’s great at abstract time management. Have you both laid the process out step by step? Some people who aren’t natural planners need that in order to not become overwhelmed.

Post # 12
Member
5233 posts
Bee Keeper

You’re doing all the work here because you refuse to see your boyfriend’s actions for what they are: a stalling technique. Face it: after 12 years he’s still not sure, won’t take one concrete step toward marriage. I imagine your conversations about marriage are rather one-sided. And I don’t believe that a man who supposedly wants to get married this year can’t get his act together to propose. The ring – all you, the proposal – at your insistence, the wedding…..you dragging him by the collar down the aisle?

Is this what you want? I sure wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t live with or have a baby with a man like this. 

Post # 14
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

After your update, it seems like you might be in denial about what’s really happening here. Your bf of 12 years doesn’t want the same things you want and you’re growing resentful. PP’s have given you some wonderful advice. You never said how old you are but, assuming you’re both grown adults, you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about what you both want and when. 

Post # 15
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

If the relationship isn’t fulfilling your needs, I think that leaving it is an option you should consider. If you think that you could be happy staying with this man even if he never wants to get married, that’s awesome! Plenty of couples choose not to get married and that’s totally valid. But if you’re feeling resentment, that’s not sustainable long term, and can grow into something really harmful to you and your happiness. I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend and check in on where he is with marriage. Tell him it’s really important that he’s honest with you. Maybe he’s just not ready at this moment, or maybe he thinks marriage isn’t something he’s going to want to do. After that, check in with yourself. Be honest with yourself and evaluate if you’re really going to be happy and satisfied with his answer. Don’t get sucked into the sunk-cost fallacy where you feel like you have to stay because you’ve spent so much time on this man. If you can be happy without marriage, or without marriage right now, that’s great! Just be honest with yourself and honor your needs.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors