(Closed) Still Not Engaged After 4.5 Years… What Should I Do?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@OtterHalf:  I think your advice was coming from a good place, but honestly if her SO is that big of a chauvanist, that he has to “punish” his woman for daring to question his almighty plan, then OP should probably invest in some good walking shoes. A woman has every right to know whether there is going to be a timely marriage. It’s her future, too, and to insist that every bit of control over that aspect of her future should reside with a man is pretty antifeminist.

Post # 18
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@EffieTrinket:  It is not punishment….it is saying stop trying to force someone to do something they do not want to do. Why would anyone want a proposal that came about after pressuring them to do it. 

I also told her to propose herself, so in no way did I say that he should have complete control….but the bottom line is you cannot make someone do something they dont want to do.

Post # 19
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@OtterHalf:  It’s true, you can’t. But there’s a world of difference between nagging, and following up after a decent amount of time.

OP, by all means, if you’re bringing this up daily or even weekly, STOP. But if it’s been three months or longer since either of you have said anything at all, I’d bring it up. Like I said, it’s your future too, and you have the right to know. And proposing yourself isn’t a bad idea, though I wouldn’t do it just yet. Talk with him, and if another several months passes without any action, then I think would be a good time. But he does already have the ring, so surely he must have something in mind….

Post # 20
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

@EffieTrinket:  I completely agree with you!

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d be giving serious thought to alternative life plans if he keeps up his shenanigans.

Post # 21
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jtaylor18:  Did he actually buy the ring or did you just decide on it?  It’s not unheard of for a guy to sit on a ring for a while (my Darling Husband had my ring 8 months before giving it to me), to take a while to pay it off, or even to customize it.  But the fact that you can’t discuss it without getting into a fight isn’t really a good sign.  Are you in this relationship for the long haul whether you get married or not?  If not, then you need to really think about how long you’re willing to wait and have a heart to heart with him; not about when you will get engaged, but about where you see your future going together. 

Post # 22
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Iowa

It took my fiance husband (!) 5-1/2 years to propose!! We were living together for 4-1/2 years. I’m pretty sure I may have gotten a bit annoying on the wanting an engagement towards the end (and was not so-secretly planning it already). In the end I told him I wanted to be married by August of the next year and so he had until December of that year to get a ring. He held off for a long time for many reasons, he wanted to be SURE, he wanted to pay cash for the ring, he wanted to enter the marriage with no debt. But I knew all of this also, so I knew when he was going to be ready to get married. You should be able to get this information out of your boyfriend hopefully. If he doesn’t want to get married at all, then its only fair that you know this so you can make your own decisions about where the relationship goes. If you know that he DOES want to get married, then after you’ve had your talk try to back down. Maybe If I hadn’t gotten so pushy I would’ve gotten a nicer (or actual!) proposal, instead we just set a date and went and bought the ring. We were both so excited to have it we put it on in the store and that was it!

Now of course, we’re worried about my sister and when she will get married. She’s a few years younger than me (26) but has been in a relationship for 7+ years!!

Post # 24
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Fiance made me wait 10 years before he proposed to me! LOL When he proposes it will be great, try to focus on how much you love him and how great of a relationship you have! That’s what I did! 🙂 
He would always get so frustrated with me everytime I brought up marriage!  

Post # 25
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

If you’ve been together for that amount of time and are of that age then I’m sorry but not being able to discuss your future together without him getting annoyed, upset or angry presents a big problem. As off limits as it seems to be, a serious discussion needs to be had so you can determine his sincerity regarding commitment and your relationship going forward. Good luck!

Post # 26
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would be really annoyed if you couldn’t have a discussion about it without fighting after being together for 4.5 years. Especially since he is well into adulthood. It is your future too and you have a right to know what he envisions for it (which doesn’t mean you have to go along with his vision).

I think you should take some time to think about what you want. How long you are willing to wait for him? Do you need marriage or would you stay with him regardless? Do you have similar life goals? Do you fight when you talk about all serious issues or is it just the ring? Figure out what you want and need, then see if he and his vision fit into your plan for yourself.

Post # 27
Member
6919 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018

My now hubby waited almost three years to propose to what seemed to me like an eternity. I can see what you are feeling. I thought 5 years would be the bar. Anyhow, the only comforting thing to me was that he picked up the date to get married almost a year before he proposed, so I knew it would happen.

Perhaps, you can ask him a similar question like I did. Something like this “What would be a good month/date to get married?” That might be helpful as a hint, and I am sure it would help him as a reminder. This helps even more if you already talked to each other into marriage. For example, we knew we wanted to get married before he proposed. It wasn’t such a big surprise to me when he did. I was full of joy though that he finally did it!

Good luck! Hope he proposes you soon. I got proposed near Christmas.

Post # 28
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It took mine 5.5 years to propose.  If your relationship is great aside from the ring issue, I’d give him a little more time.  What’s the rush?  He could be trying to plan a perfect proposal, maybe on vacation or something.  I have a friend who’s current fiance bought her ring 2 years ago, but didn’t propose until recently. There is no right or wrong time to be engaged.  Just because you dont have the ring (yet) doesn’t mean he loves you any less!

Post # 29
Member
49 posts
Newbee

Just talk to him. Maybe he is afraid of commitment? Marriage is a HUGE step. If he keeps on pushing it off he might be planning a proposal and is nervous and it doesn’t help that you are pressuring him.

Post # 31
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

Sometimes guys like to hold out.  It’s 7 and bit years since I got with my OH.  Kind felt a bit like Jennifer Aniston’s character in “His just not that into you.”

In my case apparently OH did propose and I said No.   I didn’t recall the event (obviously I would have said yes) but OH stated to my BFF early this year that he did.  

All I can say is how about talk with him.  It might feel a bit embarrassing but swallow your pride and discuss it. You want answers, best to ask.

 

The topic ‘Still Not Engaged After 4.5 Years… What Should I Do?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors