(Closed) Still not married after 29 years together

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3986 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I honestly believe that if a man wants to marry you..he will. You’ve built a life together now and have had one for decades. You need to sit down and discuss with him the practicalities of being married.. Not just the wedding. Let him know why you want to be married and the legal issues that can easily be solved with it. It’s not romantic sounding, but maybe Logic will make him see your side. Good luck. 

Post # 3
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’m sorry but where there’s will there’s a way. If he’d put together a dollar a week for the time you’ve been together there would be enough to get married.

Post # 4
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

How about getting married now and having a lavish vow renewal later?

Post # 5
Member
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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FutureMrsBex :  Couldn’t have said it better myself!

Post # 6
Member
6947 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Kim Charter :  I don’t get it – he told you to go ahead and plan the wedding, so plan it.  You’ve had 2 years (or 29) to save and do so already. While it’d be nice to get him more involved, I also don’t see him holding you back.  You can have a backyard bbq and still have a fabulous time, get dressed up, etc.  So the compromise between “nice wedding” and “courthouse wedding” is something low key in the yard or a park somewhere.  You can pull that off for a couple thousand easily.  Start looking at your options b/c you sound pretty defeatist here, but it doesn’t sound as though you’ve tried anything yet.

Post # 7
Member
5780 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m more concerned about the ongoing money issues. Many of us have experienced hard times or financial setbacks etc, and I’m not saying raising four kids is cheap- but if you’ve been struggling financially this entire time, this is where I’d focus my concern because a nice wedding is the least of your problems- what about saving for your retirement or college funds? I get that not everyone can afford to do this, but do you at least have emergency savings or are you literally living pay cheque to pay cheque? Are there health problems involved? High unemployment in your area? Have you been able to do other things, like a family vacation or keep up home maintenance and repairs? Do you own or rent? I know this sounds nosy, but your post sounds so bleak it’s concerning. 

And are you sure they’re officially divorced? You say it was finalized in a few weeks and cost nothing, that doesn’t add up. Plus it seems you were always the one to attempt locating her, even though it’s his ex, and now that you’ve found her, now that they’re allegedly divorced, he’s still stalling -after a 28 year engagement!- by saying he wants you to have a nice wedding. Which is, of course, not financially do-able at this time. 

A wedding can be nice under any budget- even if it’s a backyard BBQ or cake and punch and DIY decorations in your living room. If your partner is sincere in wanting to take this step, he needs to agree to and help plan whatever is realistically attainable in the near future. 

Post # 8
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

I have never heard a divorce taking only two weeks (even a no fault one which I personally had done myself).

Just sayin…

And if your story is true, it’s your fault that you are with a man who hasn’t married you in 29 years, especially when you can go to the court house – a lavish wedding would be the least of my worries after 29 gottdamn years.

Post # 9
Member
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

serious question: why is a formal marriage important at this point? What will you gain (as far as you’re concerned) that you don’t already have after having been living together the entire time I’ve been alive?

Post # 10
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, that is a long time to be together so I understand how you would feel sad.  If he’s divorced and ready to marry you now, just do it. Make an appointment for the court house and just go. If he doesn’t want to and he’s holding back by needing money to have a nice wedding as an excuse, then I’m afraid he might not want to get married after all this time.  As others have said, weddings don’t have to mean spending a lot of money.  I would love to do a court house wedding and then have friends over for a nice dinner to celebrate if that’s all I can do.  You’ve already waited 29 years…what is he waiting for?

Post # 11
Member
9647 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Kim Charter :  

Your last sentence worries me “I don’t think he will ever marry me,  always some reason”

It ought not to be not that he marries you , it’s that you two get married. Probably after all this time he doesnt really think about it , you know men  often don’t , they get comfortable and  distrust change .  If you don’t want a big wedding –  and frankly what’s  the point in one at this distance in time – just go ahead and book/plan  a small one . Just you and him the kids maybe   , or, better, just you two  on a  weekend ‘elopement.   
 

Post # 12
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Love and respect is more important than marriage or anything else.

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