Still not ok – will I ever be?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3253 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Have you been to therapy yet? I believe it has been suggested multiple times…

Post # 3
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

1) Get into therapy. Figure out how to deal with your own thoughts better, how to forgive yourself for all the things you don’t like about yourself, and how to stop ruminating.

2) Don’t focus on dating OR being single. Focus as much time and energy into who you want to be. As a human being. Not as half of a couple. What are your values? Are you living them? What do you do with your time? Are you happy with that? Don’t treat yourself like a fixer-upper trying to become who someone else in a relationship “needs,” but instead work on becoming the best you that you can possibly be. 

Other than that, I don’t know what else to say … except that these things can VERY easily become self-fulfilling prophecies. If you’re sure it’ll never happen and just throw in the towel on giving a shit, that guarantees you will be unhappy forever (single or not). Don’t give up on love forever, but DO let go of this idea that you have to be searching for it at all times. I actually knew my husband as part of my friend circle before we started dating, and it wasn’t until both of us took time off from being in relationships and focused on getting our lives in order as individuals that we fell in love. 

Post # 5
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

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violetrose90 :  It’s not the therapy that needs to “work,” it’s you.  You have to actually want to change your mindset and stop moping.  I don’t mean to be harsh, but therapy works for those who are prepared to change and analyze themselves properly.

Post # 6
Member
5557 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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violetrose90 :  therapy takes time. How many sessions did you try with each therapist before giving up?

You need to find the right fit, but it’s also not a quick fix. It takes time

Post # 7
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

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hickoryhills :  I wish I could put this on billboards. Therapy isn’t magic. If you aren’t committed to actually doing the heavy lifting, it’s not going to make a difference in your life. My old therapist said at the beginning she likes to describe it as a GPS … it can give you all the directions in the world but if you’re just yelling at it and continuing to drive where you want, it’s not going to “work.”

View original reply
violetrose90 :  The fact that you dated this person for less than six months over two years ago, and you were STILL stalking him/his current girlfriend as recently as “a couple months ago” suggests that you haven’t been ready to change yet. Giving therapy another try could be helpful. You can always switch it up – find a therapy group, or someone who uses Interpersonal Process Style, or something different. But you need to want to be different before you can get there.

Post # 9
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

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violetrose90 :  So….block him.  That should be a very simple answer.

Post # 10
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

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violetrose90 :  Alright, cool, then step 1: use therapy to figure out what patterns made you allow him back into your life when he stopped caring about you in month three of your first relationship. 

 

Post # 11
Member
10640 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Therapy bee. You have to move past this and at this point it’s beyond the help we can offer.

Post # 12
Member
3253 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
violetrose90 : If you keep letting him back in whenever he decides he feels like giving you the time of day, you’re never gonna get over this. It honestly seems like you don’t even want to, so what are you even looking for here? You keep coming to this site and pissing and moaning about this guy but you refuse to do any of the work that it takes to move on. I’m starting to think you enjoy your misery. No one here can help you. Either get into therapy and actually put in the effort, or wallow in your self pity elsewhere. 

Post # 13
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

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slomotion is completely correct.  People on an internet forum cannot solve this for you.  We’ve given you good advice, the rest is up to you.  More posts won’t make it better.

Post # 14
Member
5240 posts
Bee Keeper

You’re 28. It’s a little premature to declare yourself single for eternity. You need to do something radically different to shake you out of this fog. Take time off and travel to some place you’ve never been. Volunteer. Start a new activity. Enter yourself in some contest (like a race).

When you find yourself thinking of Beavis and Butthead smack yourself. A rubber band around the wrist should do it.

Post # 15
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
hickoryhills :  “It’s not the therapy that needs to “work,” it’s you.” So much this. If my ex could have understood this, maybe he and I would still be together. 

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