Still struggling that I'm not engaged :'(

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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hello270389 :  

What does your bf say when you talk to him about it?  Ten years is certainly more than enough time for him to figure out whether he wants to marry you or not.

Don’t stay in a relationship that is chipping away at your self esteem.

Post # 3
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I am in a long term relatonship like you.    I understand the frustration and the pangs of jealousy when you see your friends and other couples get engaged after a short time and you are still waiting and hoping it will be your turn soon.

In my case after a decade together I sat him down and told him my feelings after seeing another couple get engaged.   He was in the mood of “I don’t see the point in us getting married, why the rush?”  or the umming and ahhing of my questioning.   Also the “Don’t compare us to other couples.”  I resigned to just accept that we would be de factos.

So I didn’t talk to him about it.    Maybe talk about it to him in a serious manner, try not get your emotions get the better of you.   Point out why you think you guys should be engaged.   Then leave the topic alone for a few months if there is no engagement within that time.   Then move out and spend time alone and figure what you want.  

Post # 5
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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hello270389 :  you’ve only started talking about marriage in the last 6 months. So for this level of angst, either you’ve wanted to get married for a lot longer and never brought it up before or you have self esteem issues that have been building for a while and not equate your worth with an engagement.

You don’t want to propose to him. You and him only started talking about this recently. You both made the decision not to pursue the idea of marriage until recently so you can’t be mad that people are getting engaged after less time than you. So trust him to propose this year or leave him and find another relationship.

You are at an age when people are going to get engaged. Yes it sucks that you want something and everyone else is seemingly getting it easily but it’s not a reflection on you. Someone else’s relationship has nothing to do with you and your worth. I think you seriously need to work on your self esteem, regardless of whether you stay with him and wait or you leave. It’s not healthy to pin yourself as undesirable to this extent.

Post # 6
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

You have been discussing this for 6 months already,  almost every day.  Wow.    As I said stop discussing it.  Give it a few months and if he doesn’t propose maybe go your own way for a while.   I stopped talking about weddings, engagements and months later out of the blue my Fiance took me ring shopping and proposed weeks later.    

Could be the same thing.    I agree with loz24 you really need to find something else to focus on and work on your esteem.   I’m sure you are brilliant and he is lucky to have you.

Post # 7
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

What are you hoping to achieve by bringing it up everyday? Do you want to feel like you nagged him into proposing? I don’t mean this in a mean way – I think you may find it useful just to take a step back and ask what you hope to achieve by what you’re doing now?

When you get into a relationship a bit later in life (eg early 30s), things do tend to move more quickly towards marriage than if you’ve been together eg through your 20s so comparing yourself to other couples is pointless and will just upset you mire (am making assumptions on your age here – apologies if wrong!)

Clearly you’ve discussed marriage and assuming you believe your boyfriend, he is planning to propose to you but wants to do it his way. I remember my H2B telling me about a friend (now married with two children) who kept putting off proposing to his girlfriend as she went on about it so much it started to feel like it wasn’t his decision and he was being browbeaten into it. Similarly when my H2B and I started discussing marriage, and I started to bring it up more frequently, he politely and calmly told me that he wanted to get married but wanted to the proposal to be a surprise and something he planned, so I stopped asking and a few months later he proposed.

So it all comes down to whether you believe your boyfriend when he says he will propose this year (in which case, what’s the issue) or you think he’s lying and dragging his feet (in which case, you should maybe reflect on why you think that?)

Post # 8
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

If you really can’t stop thinking about it, maybe you could ask him to give you a more solid answer than “this year” he might specify if it will be in the first half of the year or the latter half? Having a narrower timeframe might help your anxiety. 

If there’s another reason for your anxiety, like if you think he’s reluctant to get married at this point in his life, maybe tell him that you’re okay (presuming you are) with being engaged for a longer period. I’ve told my SO that I’d like time to just enjoy being engaged before even thinking about a wedding. That way you will get the next level of commitment that you want and he may feel more comfortable having both time to adjust as well as knowing the large financial burden of a wedding (which is why a few men I know have put off proposing) is still a ways off. 

Post # 9
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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hello270389 :  

You know your bf better than we do.  Do you trust him to keep his word?  Some of us are more than a little cynical about this “surprise” business.  An awful lot of guys play the surprise card as a way of stalling.

It’s time for you to insist on a more definite timeline than ‘this year’.  You have tied up ten precious years of your life with this guy. You have an unassailable right to know what his intentions are and to have an equal say in your own future.

Post # 10
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

A ring is not a sign of inherent worthiness and a marriage isn’t a sign of being “good enough” to marry. These attitudes have people marrying people who don’t see them as equals or as worthy people all the time. If the two of you get married, it’s not because you’re “wife material.” It should be because the two of you have decided that you are ready and excited to make that commitment to each other. If you’ve only been talking about it for six months and he says he has a plan, leave it alone. Try to go back to the way things were before. It might help you to stay off social media, the bee in particular. Don’t think about marriage at all. Think about your SO and enjoying your time together. You’re making your life a competition and it isn’t healthy or fair. You’ve talked about it to the point where it’s no longer productive. Redirect and focus on finding happiness and contentment that doesn’t rely on him.

Post # 11
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

Why don’t you propose to him? Sit him down and say ‘Do you want to marry me? if so, let’s do this. Let’s start planning. I don’t need a surprise proposal’. You also don’t need a ring, however, if the ring means a lot to you go out and pick it together. 

I personally dislike the whole idea that the guy needs to surprise his girlfriend with a proposal. Yes ok it’s romantic, but getting married is a hige life choice decision and one that should be made by two adults agreeing to do it. There’s no other big life choice which gets sprung on people as a surprise. Imagine getting down on one knee holding a house key and saying ‘will you buy a house with me?’. 

Post # 12
Member
781 posts
Busy bee

I get that you’ve been together for 10 years but also you got together when you were 18 and he was 21. If you’d been together for 10 years and you were 38 and he was 41 rather than a decade younger I’d tell you to cut and run but you’re both still pretty young and figuring stuff out. I say this also at 28 years old. Also, your comparing your relationship to others’ based on time frame (“we’ve been together longer than they have! *Pout; sob*) is exceptionally immature. Every relationship moves at a different pace. My advice; either enjoy your time with him until he proposes or dump him and find a guy who wants to get married as quickly as you obviously do. Stop posting weekly whines and maybe stay off the wedding forum until you’re engaged; it’s probably not helping your mood.

Post # 13
Member
694 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
hello270389 :  You obviously don’t want to wait around for a proposal or be surprised by it so be honest with your bf about that. Sit down and have a proper talk with him about it, no crying, nagging, sulking or complaining about other couples. If he genuinely does want to get married give him a firm date you want to either be proposed to on, or by. Whatever his desicion is on that will tell you where to go from there. 

Post # 14
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee

getting married is not his decision. you can also make your own decisions. Sit him down and decide if you want to get engaged. if he does aswell then just agree a date to get married or go buy a ring or agree that he will do it next month if you decide that he should propose. this whole suprise business is BS. Clearly marriage is important to you so if his resonse doesn’t satisfy you, you can walk away. I know it’s not easy hurt you are in charge of your relationship as much as he is, now you are giving him all the power.

that being said crying about it to him every day is not going to help and you shouldn’t compare your self to others and base your self worth on a proposal.

Post # 15
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I don’t understand men’s obsession with surprise engagements. If this is causing you so much distress that you are crying about it, why does he think holding out for a surprise is worth it?? Is his surprise more important than your happiness???

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