Still struggling that I'm not engaged :'(

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 17
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: St. petersburg, FL

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hello270389 :  I get how frustrated you must be. My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years. I have been ready for 2 years… he has been ready for about 1. I used to get so upset when we’d go to yet another wedding, or celebrate another engagement (of someone else’s!). My best friend in the entire world met her SO and was engaged within a year. I was over the moon excited for her, and I refused to let my jealousy get in the way of that. However, I still felt some of the feelings you felt. I’m still waiting, but I decided one day after my SO and I picked out a ring together that I would NOT bring it up anymore – and I havent. In months. And I am so much happier, and I feel at peace with “if it happens in two weeks, AWESOME. If it doesn’t? AWESOME.” I love my man, and I know it will happen at the right time. I’m also 25 turning 26, and he’s 30 turning 31, so I am not that much younger than you. I get it. But you have to figure out a way that you can be happy.

My advice to you: do what PP’s have said. Go against your instinct and stop bringing it up. If he thinks a “surprise” proposal is what he wants to do, it won’t be a surprise if you bring it up every four seconds. Have a conversation with him and tell him point blank that this is what you want, and you would like to be engaged by X date. Not an ultimatum, but give him a timeframe. Then, stop bringing it up! Occupy yourself with a new hobby, etc.

Post # 18
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee

“Am I not in a strong enough relationship that my boyfriend wants to marry me??”  After ten years together, you should know if your relationship is strong enough for marriage or not.  This is something you need to talk to your boyfriend about and really stress how important it is for you. Ten years is a long time to be with someone and I totally get why it would make you upset when other couples are getting engaged and you’re not.  You have a choice:  you can either wait for your boyfriend to propose (he has already told you it will happen this year) and it will be on his terms, you can propose to him (lots of women do this now and it takes the waiting out of it) and start planning, or you can re-evaluate your relationship and decide what your next move will be if he doesn’t come around anytime soon.  Crying about not being engaged everyday and feeling unhappy and insecure is no way to live your life.

Post # 19
Member
2225 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

What you want is important too. You want to be engaged. You’re certainly old enough and have been together long enough to want that.

Stop being a bystander in your life. You sit him down and say, “I know you said you want this to be a surprise, but after 10 years, we’re past that. If you haven’t gotten a ring yet, I want to go shopping for one this weekend, and once it’s in, I want a proposal within the next two weeks after it’s in your possession. If you have already gotten a ring, I want to know that the proposal will happen in the next two weeks. You can pick the exact date, time, and method, and all of that will be a surprise for me. If you’re not okay with this, and you don’t want to get married, I need to know now so I can evaluate what I want and my next steps.”

We’re only two months into this year. If your current arrangement is that he proposes this year, you may have to wait another 10 months, and that’s IF he goes through with that time line.

Take control of your life. You’ll be happier, healthier, and you won’t be subject to someone elses’ wants/desires in your own life. You’re possibly wasting time. Once he proposes, will he prolong and put off the wedding date?

Do you want children? At 28, it’s time to actively consider your body and of what it’s capable. Say you get engaged in December (which means that he’s honored your agreement), then you have a year engagement, and get married next December (assuming you’re both okay with a winter wedding, and it doesn’t get pushed out until spring of 2020), at your wedding, you’ll be either 29 or 30, depending on the month of your birthday. Now say he wants to be married a minimum of a year before TTC. That puts you trying to conceive at 30/31. If it takes a few months to be successful with conception, and then with the 9 month pregnancy span, you’re giving birth to your first child at 31/32/33. If you want more than one…well it goes on from there. 

Now look at the timeline above. It’s all assuming he honors your initial agreement, you don’t run into issues TTC, and everything goes nicely. Are you okay with the ages you’ll be? 

Post # 20
Member
2995 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

In your shoes I would tell him that the ship has sailed on a romantic surprise proposal and you have bought two gold bands (or if you don’t want to take the risk on gold thinking he might stand you up, two $20 tungsten rings haha) and booked a date at the courthouse for next Thursday. Seriously! 

Post # 21
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

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knotyet :  this is the plan to go with after 10 years togther. Sh*t or get off the pot!

Post # 22
Member
19 posts
Newbee

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hello270389 :  Out of curiosity, did this only come up in the past 6 months? Has it not come up in previous years? I’m recently engaged at 25, which I think is a good age for me, so my boyfriend and I had regular discussions about the future/marriage after about a year together. Did you not have the discussion when you were at the 6 or 7 year mark? I could see how if this only came up at the 10 year mark your boyfriend may have not been prepared or even thought you were on the path for marriage because it only recently came up. If you have in fact been discussing this for years, then I’d say something else is up and I’d reconsider the relationship entirely. 

Post # 23
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yeah. I’d tell him you don’t want a surprise engagement. Tell him that as an adult you want to plan the rest of your life together as adults. It’s not something he does to you. It’s something you guys do together. Then take him out and show him what Ring you want and find a wedding ring that he likes for himself. And set a date. It really is that simple.

Post # 24
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Hi! 

I was in your shoes up until this past September. My friends were all getting engaged and moving on with their lives. I kept dropping hints left and right and seriously letting it bother myself… eventually I let it go and stopped worrying..

then our engagement finally happened – when it was right for us. He proposed on a trip we had been planning and he had always planned to do it at the place we visited. I felt awful for doubting him, but when it was his time it fit.

He proposed when it was right for him and for us. Please don’t doubt your better half right away. Remember that when the time is right for both of you (not just him) it will be that much more special.

Post # 25
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If you are crying almost everyday then I would think that he would give you more than sometime this year.  Like in the fall or in front of your family etc etc.  The window for suprises has sailed about 5 freaking years ago.  The question is really do you have it within you to wait 10 more months and why would you want to be with a man who would allow you to be so distraught for such a long time because he wants to “suprise” you?  It sounds like you want to be married, but do you want to be married to this man and does he want to be married to you?  You waited almost 10 years to bring up marriage and you expect him to propose less than a year later?  Take a deep breath, it is time for some self evaluation before anything happens.  You need to be supercalm when you have the next conversation with him because you don’t want to seem demanding or overly emotional when talking about your future together. 

Post # 26
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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hello270389 :  No, other people’s relationships have nothing to do with yours…. however, your 10 years of dating and not being married has EVERYTHING to do with your relationship.   

 Any man who 1- wants to marry you and 2- and has been with you for 10 years 3- wouldn’t be willing to watch you cry and go through so much pain.  Something isn’t adding up.

You have a right to sit him down and find out WHY he hasn’t proposed. Forget a ring. You deserve an explanation.  Get to the painful truth. After a decade, you have the right to know. 

Then write down your walk date.  You don’t have to tell him, but you really need to get back into the driver’s seat of your own life.  

 

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