(Closed) Still unofficial

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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wannabee2019 :  I can understand him not wanting to change jobs and cities to be with you unless you were planning a wedding together- but dude missed a step here.

And so now you’re in this weird kind of limbo where you’re planning a wedding together (which is pretty much what engagement is) but he wants to do the ‘official proposal and ring’ and (the part that would bug me most) you can’t tell anyone or talk about it?!?! So the steps have all gotten jumbled out of order and put you in a weird state of feeling engaged but not engaged. FWIW I think his convoluted way of wanting to do things is putting a damper on the whole wedding planning thing and if this is how you’re feeling you need to tell him this clearly. 

FWIW with facetime, skype, phones etc I don’t see the need to put off – for months!- an engagement just so you can tell your families in person. I’d definitely want to share the joy, but waiting to over-plan this joy is doing the opposite and sucking the joy out of it. 

Post # 17
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

Do you and your boyfriend live in a country with no telephones? For real, your family would be happy with a phone call to announce the engagement. It sounds like an excuse. You obviously came to post here because you’re bothered by this, which means you need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. If I were you, I would say, “If our families are not aware by X date, I will cancel the photographer.” You don’t want your families to find out after the fact that you planned a wedding and didn’t tell them about it right away!! That will cause a LOT more hurt feelings than announcing an engagement via telephone.

Post # 18
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

So then he’s putting his family finding out in person over getting engaged. This does not speak well of his view of the relationship. Having to use phones, Skype, etc is what happens when you don’t live in the same town. 

Post # 19
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You are engaged. We didn’t do the whole ring, down on one knee thing. And that doesn’t make us any less engaged. Remind him that the minute you start booking vendors..you are engaged, whether there is a ring and a proposal or not. And I’m not about to be a secret so if my fiance didn’t want to tell people I would think something was up….

Post # 20
Member
10387 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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wannabee2019 :  

Got to agree with pp’s, it is odd and annoying – and worrying – that your fi is taking this peculiar stand . Yes, of course he wants his family to know, but they don’t have to be actually present when it happens. 

I’d tell him now, firmly , that you are feeling confused and frustrated but this is easily fixed because you love him to pieces and want to wear his ring right now. So, how about we both go and pick out that ring now and Skype the families straight after. 

 

Post # 21
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You are engaged if you’ve already put deposits down. I can understand wanting to tell family in person, and wanting to wait to tell other people until you’ve told your family. However, you are technically engaged, even if only the two of you and strangers on the internet know. I would personally be annoyed that he was delaying the proposal, though. Just because you want to delay telling family doesn’t mean he has to delay the proposal.

I don’t necessarily think him wanting to delay until you can tell family in person is in itself a red flag. He may just not see the big deal in waiting a month. Have you told him how you feel?

Post # 22
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

What’s more important?  Planning to marry and spend the rest of your life with the man you love, or going through a staged proposal (which is pretty meaningless if you’ve already agreed you’re getting married) and “being engaged”?  If you trust him enough to be planning your wedding, then why can’t you trust him enough to wait a little while to make the announcement?

My new husband and I delayed anouncing our engagement and making it “official” (for a number of good reasons) for a couple of months AFTER we had set the date and booked our registrar & venues, and then didn’t get around to getting me an e-ring for another 6 weeks after that.  It didn;t make us any less engaged, it just meant we were being respectful of each other and things going on in other people’s lives and waiting for the right time to tell everyone.  What was important to us was that we’d agreed we were getting married (nobody ‘proposed’, we just decided together we wanted it to happen) and just got on with it.  

Post # 23
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

I am really confused here.

Are you sure you that you are actually not officially engaged? Are you both on the same page that a ritual proposal has to take place to make it official? Because in my mind, it is one of two scenarios:

a) The proposal is just a formality. He considers you engaged but wants to tell the special people in your life in person before announcing it to the world.

b) He does not consider you engaged yet. He is trying to buy time to make the decision once and for all and does not want to tell everyone and then have to go back on his word.

The whole “telling parents in person” thing is a little strange to me. But maybe it is a cultural thing. Does your mom not have access to a phone while she is away? Why make the engagement contingent on being able to bring the whole family together from miles away? Surely this is difficult to plan?

My feeling is that you probably know the answer to this one in your gut – none of us can really tell you. Only you know whether waiting for July will yield what you hope it will yield.

Post # 25
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

I know it’s not normal in bee circles, but this type of planning before the proposal has actually happened with a lot of my friends. You know (based on the planning) that it will be soon. Just relax and be excited! As long as he seems invested in the wedding (which it sounds like he is), i don’t think you have anything to worry about. 

Post # 26
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

The “official proposal” train left the station weeks ago, and since Grandma knows, it’s time to share ?the happy news with everyone else.

Congrats!

Post # 28
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I think wedding planning in this depth means you’re engaged, regardless of whether or not he has proposed. If he doesn’t think you are officially engaged, then the planning shoud cease. In the latter scenario you are just setting yourselves up to lose money if he gets cold feet and decides it isn’t the right time. 

Post # 29
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

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wannabee2019 :  How long do you plan to give him? You should have a deadline in mind because you don’t want to be sitting here on Halloween and still listening to his promises of ‘It’s coming soon’.

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