Post # 1
Okay, so my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for 5.5 years. We were together for a year before moving into an apartment together along with my daughter (who at the time was 2). We initially moved into an apartment to kind of feel things out, you know to make sure that we were able to live with eachother with out killing eachother. We lived in apartments for 4 years and recently bought a home together (by together meaning we’re both responsible but it’s solely in my name), my daughter sees him as her 1 and only Dad (which is wonderful). But my issue is that he STILL hasn’t proposed! We talk about the future ALL the time (I’m talking 10 years) and all of things we’re going to do to the house (it was a fixer uper) and marriage has obviously been mentioned several times and he’s not squemish about it or anything…so I guess at this point I’m wondering what’s he waiting for? I’ve told him before that I don’t even NEED a ring because I just want to marry him and he told me that I DID need a ring because that’s what I deserve…I’m not sure at this point if he’ll ever propose. I can see why he’s apprehensive as he never had a good example of what marriage SHOULD be, his parents have married and divored EACHOTHER 3 times, they are now separated for the 4th time. I did tell him before we moved in together that marriage was what I was looking for going into this and he was okay with it then and still seems to be but where’s the ring if it’s SO important to him? I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt and we are only just getting to the “ideal” age for marriage (we’re both currently 27). I guess I’m just looking for some advice on what to do to possibly nudge it along? Ultimatums are NOT in my vocab.
Post # 3
I don’t know that you need to give him an ultimatum…. but I think asking him point blank what the holdup is would be my next move.
Do you guys share finances? Like, do you know how much money he has saved? Would that be the holdup?
I tend to advocate the “walk them backwards” approach. Next time you are talking about a future goal – figure out what has to be done ahead of that and where a proposal fits in. Or if you talk about being married – ask when his ideal wedding would take place. Are you on the same page with what kind of wedding you want? Budgets, guests etc? Say something like – if you want to get married in the summer and it would take about a year to plan a wedding you would need to propose right now to have a 2013 summer wedding!
That way you are more “informational” and you can make sure you are on the same page.
Post # 4
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, got a girlfriend that’s he’s comfortable talking to?? You send her in there on recon, she’ll get it sorted out, they get hung up on dumb shit sometimes and need a wingman.
Post # 5
@Shaykr: I don’t have much advice, as a waiting bee. But as a child of divorce, who watched my mom date several guys between the ages of 4-13 (my age, not theirs!), I remember getting attached to one guy, who she dated for only about two years. He was amazing. I thought of him as my second dad (my real dad was in the picture and was also amazing). I was devastated after they broke up, and they didn’t even live together.
I think bringing it up, in a conversation, how he feels about your child, would be a great idea. Does he want to be her dad, for real? Wouldn’t it be nice for him to have her as his daughter? Maybe (if you’re okay with it) adopt her and give her his last name too? (That could be a really sweet addition to a wedding ceremony, asking your daughter if she accepts this man as her father?)
I don’t want you to guilt him, but I think putting it in terms of, “I want my daughter to have a stable life, to have a dad. I want you to be her dad for real. (if that’s what you want)” It may help him see things differently, especially since he may not have had a stable childhood with all the divorces and remarriages.
Post # 6
+1 on the adoption!
It sounds like he’s just gotten pretty comfortable. I would just find a way during a casual conversation where marriage comes to say “I would like to be married before….” My place is tiny and when my boyfriend (now fiance) moved in it seemed even smaller. Before we got engaged we started talking about houses and what not and I was able to slip in that I didn’t want to sell my condo until we were at least engaged. His parents don’t know we live together so I was also able to blame it on the fact that if I bought a house they would want to come see it and would probably notice his clothes in the closet and it would probably be a little easier to accept if we were engaged. haha He had also purchased setting months before so it wasn’t really like I was just coming out of nowhere with it.
Long story short, nonchalantly plant the seed of a timeline!
Post # 8
My frind was living with her SO for a few years, and she was not so patiently waiting for her ring/proposal. She would talk to him about it, he said he did want to get married someday, just wants to save up some more..blah blah..then he did nothing about it. What did she do? She set the computer’s screen saver to the ring she wanted, bookmarked the jewlery store page and started planning a wedding! Worked for her, I think he proposed like a week later, but he didn’t get the ring she had bookmarked-he wanted to make some kind of decision :-p
Post # 9
In the same message you told us you don’t need a ring, just a proposal….and then later you say, where’s the ring? To a guy that is mixed signals. Simply tell him “it’s been 5.5 years, I’m starting to feel unhappy that we are not married and I don’t have a ring. Can we resolve this right now? I would feel a lot better if we did.”
I see on this forum so many messages by girls who can’t seem to look their partners in the eyes and say that. Why is that so hard to do? Is there some embarrassment you feel about saying it out loud?
“Yes, I want to be married and I would like a very nice ring to go with it.” You deserve it!
Post # 10
Is he maybe saving up for a ring? My Darling Husband didn’t propose until he could pay for the ring with cash. He proposed on our 6 yr anniversary. Your anniversary is in a couple of months maybe he is waiting for that!
Post # 11
You know, your situation was very similar to mine and I just pretty much started to distant myself but not in a bad way. I started taking up hobbies, went back to school. Sort of trying to reinvent myself becasue I thought that I had to worry about me if he was not going ot marry me. Not even 5 months later he proposed. I think he saw that I was becoming my own person and he didnt want to be left behind. 🙂
Post # 12
@linz09: That is a good one.
My Darling Husband also bought my ring the month after his last car payment. He says my ring is his new car payment. lol
Post # 13
From your post, it doesn’t sound like you’ve had many serious conversations about it. You need to be sending the message that you need marriage to really want to see a long-term future with him. To me, it doesnt seem like you’re letting him know how important it is.
For example: I kind of want to win the Powerball. I have idle conversations with Fiance about this a few times a year. I don’t expect it to happen and he doesn’t buy me tickets.
I really wanted and needed us to live in the same city. I would bring this up on a regular basis (NOT nag, but have conversations about) let him know how important it was to me, and ask for fairly regular progress reports. He realized how important this was to me, and now is getting a transfer to the city I live in.
Those are silly examples, but the point is, you need to let him know that you see marriage as a must, and not a “maybe someday this would be really nice” proposition.
Post # 14
IT’S HAPPENING!!! He is trying to be all undercover about it but he’s terrible at it. He’s asking all the right questions!! (Ring size, cut I like) and I might have looked at the internet history….If he does it on Christmas (fingers crossed) I will be the happiest girl in the ENTIRE world!! I can’t wait for him to be my husband
Post # 15
oh how exciting, can’t wait to hear the details!
Post # 16
Just wanted to tell you I was in the same situation. Together for just over 5.5 years, own a home together, lived together for over 4 years. He always told me he was scared of marriage. I just stood by him, but would let him know marriage is something that I wanted. Well, 2 months shy of our 6 year we went on a vacation and he proposed on the faris wheel looking over Seattle! It was so sweet, he has been 100% on board. I asked him why he choose to finally get married, he said it was just a realization that he had that he wanted to be with me forever and this was how he was going to ensure it.
I have my fingers crossed and heart set for you! Good luck & try to act suprised this Christmas 😉