Post # 1
We are both in our early 30s. He owns he owns his home, I rent my own place. We have a 5 year old son. I didn’t move into his when our son was born as we decided both houses where too small so if stay at mine while we sold his place to and found a bigger place to buy together. That was 5 years ago. Him agreeing to do the work and saving for the repairs has been very slow.
We also talked about getting engaged, that was 6 years ago and I’m still waiting. Recently he started work on his house again and wants to sell it by the end of the year. I said I’m not moving in with him until we get engaged and I know he’s serious. He asked me to pick out a ring I liked. I chose something very affordable and offered him half the money. That was 6 months ago. It never got bought. I brought it up in conversation recently and asked if he still wanted these plans. He said he only said he would get married as he knew I wouldn’t move in with him otherwise and it’s just to keep me happy as he can’t see the point in getting married. I feel like he’s lied to me for 6 years saying one day we will get married to just buy himself time and keep me waiting. I’m so upset over it all I feel lied to. I feel like he’s just really not bothered. We’ve talked about plans for 6 years with nothing happening. It’s so easy to do the things I thought he wanted to but it seems to be me having to push and encourage him. I feel unwanted
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
So all these 5 years your son basically grew up in a split parenting style? You should have taken action waaay before and not let him waste that much of your precious life. Doesn’t it sound awkward to you when parents can’t rent a space together to at least be there for their own child? What is it there to wait for, another child? Don’t get your hopes up, and move on.
Post # 3
I feel like if you are dating for 8 years and raising a child together, but are not living together is a very odd thing – has he ever expressed a desire for you to move in? He said “his place is too small“? I struggle to believe that a house is too small for two adults and a child. Many people live in small one bedroom apartments with a child and make it work. Even though you live in separate places, do you sleep over a lot? Or vice versa? If not, I think this is very unusual.
He seems hesitant to commit. I do think that some men need a push when it comes to proposals and buying rings. But his attitude towards marriage “I brought it up in conversation recently and asked if he still wanted these plans. He said he only said he would get married as he knew I wouldn’t move in with him otherwise and it’s just to keep me happy as he can’t see the point in getting married.” does not seem like he cares as much as you do.
Do you truly love him? Does he truly love you? If you think this relationship is worth fighting for, I would lay out all of your feelings on the table and explain to him what marriage means to you and why its so important. If he doesn’t reciprocate, then you have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about marriage.
Some people don’t care about marriage itself but are in happy committed common-law relationships. It would be good to really understand his point of view on the matter before making a decision.
You can also go to couple’s therapy to help lay everything on the table, if he still doesn’t understand how you feel when you talk to him. If he resists and doesn’t seem willing to go, I wonder if that’s a sign that he’s not really committed, and you should consider walking away.
Post # 4
Sorry you feel lied to.
Let this be a lesson that talk is cheap. This whole time you should have been paying attention to his actions or lack thereof. Not even his own son has been motivation for him to set up a single household and fix up and sell his house in over five years – a ring and proposal seems pretty unlikely from a guy who doesn’t appear to even be motivated to be in the same house with his own son. It doesn’t sound like he could ever be bothered – this isn’t new information.
At a certain point you need to look out for you and your son and realize that wishy washy people whose words are meaningless aren’t people worth waiting around for. He has flat out told you he doesn’t want to be the partner you want – even if marriage isn’t important to him he should care that it’s important to you and he couldn’t even be bothered to do that. It’s time to figure out how to be co-parents and stop waiting around for him to be the partner you want.
Post # 5
You share a child but live separately for 5 years?! You offer to pay 50% for your ring and he doesn’t buy it? He doesn’t want you. Please reclaim your life. Do yourself a favor by entering the next chapter single, open and willing to find love. It’s not too late. And continue a peaceful coparenting relationship with this man who should become your ex, which you’ve been navigating already.
Post # 6
He has shown you who he is. Believe him. He doesn’t want to be with you, or at least he doesn’t want to be married. Even if you didn’t get married, living apart when the circumstances didn’t reauire it is really odd. How is his relationship with your child?
Post # 7
Sure, it’s UNUSUAL to live apart this long, but you would be in a worse spot now if you had moved in. Much easier to break it off and move on if that’s what you decide to do.
Figure out if it’s you he doesn’t want or whether he just sees no need for marriage. Most men don’t dream of their wedding day.
Post # 8
I find this arrangement of living apart odd when you have a child together unless you are not truly together. How is a house or any home too small to raise a child in when you decided to have a child together? It just sounds like an excuse not to be together. You don’t want to move in with him until you are engaged but you could go ahead and have a child with him and then you offered him half the money for a ring and it never was bought?? Honestly, none of this makes sense to me if you are a committed couple. Are you sure this is the guy you want to marry and you are sure he wants to marry you? I think you need to have a serious conversation going forward if you really want to be together, but this conversation should have taken place years ago before your child was born.
Post # 9
You’re choosing to wait. You’re choosing to let this man, who you birthed a child for, have complete and total control of your life. You have to say enough is enough and go to the courthouse to get married, because your guy doesn’t want to marry you, and you’ve given him 8 years of your life and a child, even though he’s never done anything to show he wants to marry you.
Post # 10
His actions and his words clearly show that he is not and was not ever interested in marriage. Yes he lied to you but you aren’t blameless in this bee. You said you and he had an agreement and then you proceeded to wait 6 years without asking hard questions. For six years you chose NOT to hold him accountable to his word. You would’ve found out sooner that he wasn’t committed had you done what you knew deep down you should’ve done.
So while you have every right to feel angry and betrayed, you need to own your part in this bee.
Now you need to decide exactly what it is that you want and what you’re going to do to get it. You’re already in a separate living situation with your child so his life isn’t going to change much if you decide to walk away from this relationship. So at this point the ball is in your court….as it always has been.
Post # 11
He’s made it clear for years that having a life with you and your child is not a priority for him. If you want someone who is committed to making a life with you then you need to break things off so you have the opportunity to build the life you want. Your son was born nearly 2,000 days ago–think about that–that’s 2,000 days this guy did not want to live with you and your son. Sad.
Post # 12
Sounds like you just learned an incredibly hard lesson here. But good news is I know of plenty of family friends whose daughters made similar choices, moved on and found a husband and had more children and built their family. But to move on and find a good situation, good partner and good marriage you do need to see what you did wrong here and not repeat it.
Don’t have kids with someone you aren’t married to if you want marriage, and don’t give a man more than 1.5 years of your life without locking it down by proposing. I shortened that timeline because in your 30’s you shouldn’t be dating someone longer than a year without discussing engagement and if you hit a year and haven’t even discussed it or aren’t even ready for that? You need to move on. You don’t have time to waste.
Post # 13
Sounds like he is not interested in marriage. I’m sorry Bee. Take some time for yourself and consider counseling and get yourself some help and clarity.
Post # 14
What are you getting out of this relationship?
You’re not saving money on rent by cohabitating. You’re not building equity on a house.
You’re already the primary custodian of your child.
He gets his space and sex and a kid to play with when he wants to, without any commitment. Your resentment grows.
If you break up with him, the only thing that will change is you’ll be free to pursue other relationships with men who actually want you. He’s just not that into you. He doesn’t value marriage the way you do.
It’s a blessing that you didn’t buy a house with him. If you had, you’d be one of those bees stuck on a mortgage with a noncommital partner.
I am sorry, Bee.
Post # 15
I’ve never heard of a couple living separately after their child was born unless they were no longer together. This is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read on The Bee.