(Closed) Still Waiting after he mentioned we'd be married 3 years ago

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Just tell him you’re ready to start planning a wedding and get married in a year (or whatever your timeline might be).  My Darling Husband and I decided together that it was time for us to get married…there was no true proposal.

Post # 4
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Have you explicitly given him your timeline?  For example “I’d really like to be engaged by ‘X’ date, and would like to be married by ‘Y’ date.  How about you?”

Post # 5
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sounds like at 28 it is time to have a LIFE TALK.  Sit him down and tell him you are all grown up now, and want to get on with your life.  Tell him WHAT YOU SEE your life will look like in the future… and WHEN you’d like to achieve certain milestones…

Example

I am 28 now… and this is how my life is lining up.  I am this far along in my career, I’d like to be here by the time I am x.  Because I’d like to have myself established by the time I have kids.  I would like to have kids by the time I am x.  And having kids and being married is important to me (if that is true for you).  I also want to enjoy my newlywed life… so I would like x time before thinking about kids.  So ideally, I’d like to be married by the time I am x.  And of course I’d like to be engaged for x time before that… as planning a wedding requires work.

Sooo WHAT DO YOU THINK

What do you see your LIFE PLAN looking like in the next 5 to 10 years ?

Then listen

If it lines up great. 

If it doesn’t then you need to talk some more.  Many guys think they have forever to get married / settled down (more so now that sex is not a single person’s taboo, and living together the norm for many couples).  Guys DON’T GET that women don’t have a limited amount of time to have babies… in that they can do that their whole lives !!  For them there is no rush… for us there can be.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms what YOU NEED in life.  Not give him an Ultimatum but let him know… you want to be married and won’t be waiting around for ever because you want to have kids (if that is true for you)

Ultimatums suck… and they don’t work.  Men feel threatened by them.

So don’t draw a line in the sand and say something like “We need to be engaged by My Birthday”… but rather say… “So according to my life plan goals, I’d like to see us engaged this year”

Then you are still leaving the timeline up to him

BUT at the same time, men tend to hate to think they might be losing a good thing… missing out on an opportunity that won’t be around for ever.  So you need to get that point across.  IF he has a feeling that you might not wait around forever… want to move on with your own life (career goals etc) without him.  Then he may be more inclined to get a move on

And in the same way, if by the end of your timeline, there still is no Proposal, then you should be still be moving along with your Life Plan Goals (career etc) to feel that you can go forward without him if that is what he is choosing.  You’d like him in your life… but you don’t need him in your life so much that you are desperate, and gonna beg him to marry you

ALWAYS A BAD IDEA

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 6
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It doesn’t sound like you quite shared this with him the way you did with us.  Now would be a good time to do that.  Tell him you are not looking for arbitrary, you’re looking for specifics.

Post # 7
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@This Time Round:  I don’t think Ultimatums are necessarily a bad thing in certain circumstances.  Ultimatums suck, I’ll agree with that, but if you give someone an Ultimatum, you’re not forcing them to marry you, you’re forcing them to do SOMETHING – either marry you or let you go.  I think Ultimatums are the wrong course of action if mature, honest, open discussions haven’t happened yet.  But if one party’s totally waffling about something that’s important to the other person, an Ultimatum may be the best course of action.  

 

I’ll be honest here – I gave an ultimatum, and don’t regret it for one second.  The ultimatum was a wake up call for him that he couldn’t take me for granted, and that he really did want to be married to me, so he proposed.  On the flipside, if someone’s had a rough “waiting” period, has been open about her desire fore marriage, gives an Ultimatum out of frustration, and the guy doesn’t propose by the end of the Ultimatum, he has just let her know he never really wanted to marry her in the first place.  Which sucks, but she has just saved herself a few more years of being strung along.

Post # 8
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

my Fiance is a fishermen and is gone a lot too, pretty much every year may to sept. we dated for seven years. i think around five i was really starting to get anxious. when we had talked about getting married wayyyy before. so it sucks!!! big time!! but i just kept telling myself if you wouldnt wait for him then hes not worth marrying. at seven years i was at the end. how can i wait all summer for him with no promise or for sure thing. thats a long time every year!!!! i hinted a lot! but in the end he had told me that actually around year 4-5 he wanted to ask!!! (when we went to mexico) that was like 3 years before he actually did! he said he wanted to wait for the perfect time. i was like seriously? then when our friend got engaged he wanted to wait cuz he didnt want to steal their thunder…..i was like are you kidding me.lol i felt like i wasnt gunna be able to wait for him any longer BUT i just kept telling myself. is he worth the wait? i mean some people told me “ask him” but NO im wanted my down on one knee, shoot for the stars, homerun. kind of proposal.

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