Post # 1
So the bf and I were sitting around yesterday and, for the first time, we got into wedding talks. Now, it has been assumed that if we were to get married that my mother would pay. I am 99.9999% sure that this is a correct assumption. I am very lucky that my mother is so generous and she has some money. In fact, she has already told me she would cover the cost of my wedding. However, I am Very protective of my mother and if she did so, I would make sure that I had a reasonably priced ceremony. I am NOT the type of daughter who would think “mom’s paying! I’ll order anything and everything I want.” So, last night, I mentioned to my bf that if we were to get married, I would want a really nice cocktail hour and an italian buffet. He responded, “Well, so and so had filet mignon. I would want all of the guests to have that. And full cocktail hour!” I said, “Don’t you realize my mom would be paying?” And he responded, “Yeah, she’s loaded. We should get whatever we want.” It really ticked me off and made me feel like he would take advantage if given the chance.
I grew more upset when I thought about how I only have showed him e-rings that he could easily afford and how I even provided a family diamond because I didn’t want him to shell out a lot of money.
I don’t know. I am really protective of my mother (she’s been through a lot) and it didn’t sit well with me. Am I overreacting?
Post # 3
I’d be pissed, too. Tell him to knock off the grabby-hands.
Post # 4
I’m with you guys. That would piss me off to no end. I would definitely talk to him about how you expect your mother to be treated.
Post # 5
I don’t think so. I’d be mad if someone were to take advantage of ANY of my family members’ generosity, wedding related or otherwise.
Post # 6
No way are you over-reacting. You should stand up for your family if need be. I don’t think the comment about how your mother is loaded is easy to just brush off. It’d make me wonder about other things in the long run.
Post # 7
RUDE! Tell him to back off your poor mom. Your mom sounds so sweet for helping you out with the entire wedding. Great on your part to think about keeping it within reasons, I like that. I think if he wants to have an extravagent dinner, then he should offer to split the food costs with your mom. Just because someone is “loaded” doesn’t mean you should take advantage of them.
Post # 8
How very rude. You are not overreacting at all. I hope he was kidding.
Post # 9
Thats a bad sign to me. It shows he has no regard for your mom and just assumes that since she is “loaded” he can take full advantage. You should have a talk with him and make it clear that if you mom is paying for everything then you want to stick to a certain budget. If he wants anything out of the budget he was to get the money himself.
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.. but I also don’t think your guys’ response automatically means he is a bad person or anything. I am the same as you with my parents… I am SO grateful for everything they’ve done to help me and I always try to minimize any costs they ever have. Different family dynamics work differently though.
For example, my mom’s best friend’s daughter was my best friend growing up (our moms met at a gymboree type thing when we were babies so we kind of grew up like sisters)… the four of us hung out all the time. When we’d go shopping, my mom would suggest this and that to buy me, and I’d always say no– its too much or I don’t need it or maybe this top thats on sale. My friend’s mom would say she wasn’t buying my friend anything and my friend would then scheme to harass her mom into buying her the most stuff possible.
I don’t know which came first… if she was always scheming because her mom was never willingly generous without being harassed? Or if her mom was like that because she’d be taken advantage of otherwise. Regardless… their relationship adapted for that dynamic and it works for them.
My husband is somewhat the same way with his dad. His dad hasn’t been the most helpful person throughout his life so when he does offer something I sometimes feel my husband goes a little too far in accepting. But thats how their relationship works.
All of this to say… maybe that is the kind of thing your boyfriend is used to? Maybe he isn’t sure how to handle an already-generous parent? Obviously I agree with you– minimize costs! But also maybe understand that your guy isn’t a bad person for having his first reaction be to take advantage.
Post # 11
I would be pissed right off… My parents are “loaded” and they will be paying for our wedding but I am not wantiing to sqweeze them for every dime they have for my wedding just because theyhave lots of money. My SO agrees completely, he says we could just go to vegas to get married, but I want to do the planning and have an actual wedding here with friends and family.
Post # 12
Thanks ladies. I am going to say something to him. Also, if he doesn’t respond well or if these types of commetns continue then I am going to consider it a red flag. That may sound harsh, but I as I said before, I am very protective of my mom. She raised me single handedly and earned all of her money on her own. That’s a tall order in today’s world, where women rarely make the money or are given the opportunities that are given to men. Sorry….my feminist side is showing. lol
Post # 13
I’d definitely be offended by this as well. I just caution you that when you talk to him, you need to be sure that you’re not doing it in an accusing manner, b/c that will immediately put him on the defensive. You need to approach it in a way that you can have a civil conversation about it.
Post # 14
Wow, I’d be upset too. My parents are insanely generous, and if my husband ever started taking advantage of that there would be issues. You sounds like you have your priorities straight here.
Post # 15
Yeah that was a crappy comment 🙁
But kudos to you for being a great daughter!
Post # 16
That comment would really bother me, too.
For one thing, it’s straight-up selfish. For another, what sort of man thinks it’s okay to sponge off his FMIL?