Still waiting. What should I do?

posted 4 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Not to be mean at all bee – but I just can’t understand why you would WANT to marry someone who is like this, who has to have a gun held to his head to do anything – I would think that spending a lifetime with this man would be pure torture.  It certainly would be for me.

Perhaps you love him, but is that really enough??

Post # 3
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee

Why would you even want to be with this man child?? He sounds like a horrible teammate. DO NOT buy a house with him and DO NOT give him money for HIS mortgage. That’s really stupid. 

Get out of the relationship and find someone who can’t wait to marry you.

Post # 4
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

I think you hit the nail on the head with this:

“Every time we visit my sister and husband and my niece, or any one of our married friends, I can’t help but thinking-I bet they didn’t have to do this. I bet he just asked her. I bet he thought about it, committed to it and did it and I bet she didn’t have years of feeling awful about herself.”

You know what, you’re probably right. Your friends and your sister probably didn’t have to wait and wait and wait and feel awful about themselves in the meantime, because they committed themselves to men who also were committed to them and to their relationships. You’ve committed yourself to a man who doesn’t seem to view himself as having any kind of committment toward you at all, and it’s causing you so much frustration and heartbreak.

I can’t tell you what you should do moving forward, but I hope you realize that your SO’s actions are NOT the actions of someone who is committed to building a life with his partner. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this and I hope you make the decisions that are best for you. 

Post # 5
Member
8408 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@whatswrongwithme:  “I would just like for once, for him to be actively engaged in a moving our lives forward” — He has never given you any reason to think that this is going to happen. He is being exactly who he’s been for 5 years, which is the same person he’ll be in 50 years. What you want is perfectly reasonable — from someone else. This guy is not going to change and has given you no reason to think he will. If you stay with him, it’s on you because he’s not hiding anything. What you see is what you get. You really want that?

Post # 6
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

See if you can get out of the home purchasing transaction.  Even in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t buy a house together before getting married.  But your relationship is far from healthy.  Why did you stay with him all this time?

It doesn’t take a man proposing, I usually advocate for a woman to do the proposing herself or initiate a discussion about the future.  But you know what he’s like, he never gets anything done unless he has to be prodded.  And you knew that this was the case with previous women he dated.

Please lay out for us the reasons you didn’t break up with him already.

Post # 7
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Don’t marry a project. You are thinking about what this guy could be not who he is. You are wanting to change him. It’s not going to work. Leave this guy and find someone who you want to be with for who they are now–not his potential.

 

Post # 8
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@stateofbeeing:  there’s nothing wrong with buying a house unmarried. 

but I agree, OP this relationship is a giant dumpster fire and I can’t for the life of me understand why you’d want to remain in it. You deserve so much better. 

Post # 10
Member
5972 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Bee, there is nothing wrong with you.

Have you asked him when/if he plans to propose?

Marriage aside, I have a hard time picturing wanting children with the person you have described. He will NOT change. Can you handle always having to push and nag him to do everything for the rest of your life together? 

Post # 11
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
@whatswrongwithme:  everything else about your relationship is great except that he causes you pain every day, except that he is too self absorbed to care about your wants and needs, except that he is so selfish that despite knowing that you want to get married and have children he won’t ask you a simple four word question.   

Do not buy a house without marriage.   Do not pay off his mortgage with YOUR money.  And for God’s sake, do not stay with him if marriage and children are truly important to you.  

Post # 12
Member
7846 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

The bigger question than him proposing is whether you want to  be married to someone like you have described in the first place. Do you want to join your life to someone with no initiative and no ambition? Do you want to have to either handle everything yourself or nag him to death to get him to do something? This sounds like no way to live to me.

Post # 13
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Bee, I just read your update.  You love him and you know he loves you.  The title of your post asks what you should do.

Actually there is nothing you can do, except:

1. Stay with him, understanding that NOTHING will change.  He has shown you who he is.  

2. Leave the relationship.

I’m sure it’s a tough choice since you love him.  But can you live the rest of your life feeling constantly disappointed and sad?

 

Post # 14
Member
4775 posts
Honey bee

Well, you wait until you decide you want and deserve better (or different) and have the self-respect to move on.

As I see it, the real problem is that you expect someone to be precisely who they aren’t and seem to villainize having a simple conversation for a romantic notion that you’re not going to get from him.  It’s time to get your head out of the clouds and deal with the reality of the situation you have.  Getting engaged or married isn’t some magic pill – it doesn’t turn someone into someone they aren’t.  If he drags his feet for literally anything and everything in his life and coasts…why do you think you’re so magical?  He is who he is and he’s given you five years of evidence proving you’re not so magical as to change who he is.  And that isn’t a knock on you – you CAN’T change people!  Change comes from intrinsic motivation within.  You’re setting yourself up for failure by expecting him to be someone other than who he has shown you to be and hoping he’ll prove his love by changing who he is.  It just doesn’t work that way.   Either accept who he is and get the ball rolling yourself or accept who is and move on to someone who can give you what you want in the exact way that you want it and with someone who is similarly motivated as you to take action in their life.  Those people exist – your boyfriend just isn’t one of them.  You just have to decide what you want and whether this is a dealbreaker for you to always be in the role he’s placed you in this relationship of being the person who always makes the call to action.

Decide what is more important and then be the master of your own fate.  Is having him specifically more important?  That means accepting that everything in your life, including getting engaged and planning a wedding and having children and choosing where to live will be put into action by you beacuse you want to marry someone who coasts their way through life.  That is the life you are choosing.  Or do you want things to happen in the way you want them to happen with a partner who is equally motivated and makes things happen for himself?  Then that means you move on because this is not the guy who can provide that.  

There is technically a third option:  inaction – you decide to be a passive observer to your own life waiting for someone who is also a passive observer to his own life and you stay boyfriend and girlfriend forever.  That’s pretty much a one way ticket to a life of resentment unless you decide you can fully accept this without any expectation of change in the future.

Honestly, the ball is in your court on this one.  You just need to focus on figuring out what is most important to you rather than spending your time wishing and hoping for change that won’t come.

Post # 15
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@annon12398:  yes there is! If she’s unmarried and things go south, she would be stuck in a financial ageeement with someone who has either cheated, dragged her around whilst waiting for a proposal or used her to save up money–all of which we have seen here. It is an irresponsible money move and your advice specially so. This guy who sounds like a loser really who won’t get his act together, he’s lazy and a man-child. Oftentimes women think that by buying a house (which is a huge 30 year commitment) their partner will propose, but time and time again we’ve seen that hardly ever happens. 

Bee, he is NOT going to change. You are wasting your precious time. Better yet to start over from experience now than mother a boy who will waste your reproductive years. The resentment will grow stronger each year, by then you won’t have anyone to blame  but yourself. Free yourself from this deadbeat, go to therapy to gain your power back, figure out why you are willing to settle for so little, and you’ll eventually find someone who can’t wait to have a future with you. Also, love IS NOT Enough!! Life throws so much shit your way, do you really wanna go through all the tribulations with someone who can’t deal with it properly? 

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