- 4 weeks ago
My partner and I have been together 5 years. We live together. We are buying a house together. He has talked about marriage and kids since the beginning. I am in my late 30s and still nothing. My partner has a crap poker face and it’s entirely obvious when he’s planning something and I assure you, if he had anything in the offing, I’d know. He’s just not as discreet as he thinks he is. Plus we both work from home so we are together 24/7-I would honestly just know. And I do know he’s not done anything.
I don’t think he’s being disingenuous-he is just rubbish. Nothing ever gets done until he gets a gun put to his head. This predates me. For what, his parents were getting concerned he had the means but hadn’t bought a house yet so chided him all the way until he did it. Our relationship has followed suit. We’ve made not moves forward unless there’s been a campaign from me of nagging and cajoling him. Like buying a house. It took two years of me talking and talking and talking about it-he said he wanted to but nothing happened. It had to get to the point of me saying ‘if you don’t put a positive foot forward, I don’t know if I can do this’ and his sister often has to intervene and tell him to stop dragging his feet. It’s just how he is.
we had an offer accepted on a house but it went wrong with the sellers and as a consequence we’ve been waiting for a year to complete. I said in the mean time, as I had the money from the sale of my house, we could pay off his mortgage whilst we wait. He agreed it was a good idea. I have been chasing him for months and months to get it done-I have the money to transfer. He just needed to make the arrangements with the mortgage company. I am still waiting, every month paying money we don’t need to go the mortgage company. I made myself clear I wasn’t happy about it so he’s done some work on the deed of trust today. But it always takes such a monumental amount of badgering before he does what’s needed.
I would just like for once, for him to be actively engaged in a moving our lives forward enough for him to not have to nag. I hate it. And needless to say, I am becoming increasing sad and dispondent about the prospects or marriage and family. Every time we visit my sister and husband and my niece, or any one of our married friends, I can’t help but thinking-I bet they didn’t have to do this. I bet he just asked her. I bet he thought about it, committed to it and did it and I bet she didn’t have years of feeling awful about herself.
I don’t know what to do. I feel completely stuck. If I put pressure on him or talk to him about it, I will feel like it’s happened because I made it, not because he wanted it.
I had some ‘girl issues’ earlier this year which point to some fertility issues (no period for 4 months, tests showed abnormally low progesterone). He knows all of this. Has it sparked even the smallest bit of urgency. Not one bit.
I love him but I can feel myself teaming with resentment. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If I wait forever, I will be waiting forever-too long. If I let this continue our relationship will implode. If I say anything at all I’ll feel like if he does get off of his arse and do something, it wasn’t because he wanted to.
I am so sad watching other people being loved and cherished by their partners and wondering what is so wrong with me that I’m not worth making the effort for.