Stop asking me if I'm pregnant!!!

posted 11 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee

There are few things that really strike a cord stronger than when someone asks/assumes a woman is pregnant just because she is sick. Maybe because I have a very sensitive stomach and get sick easily. My husband has said this a few times and I’m pretty sure I’ve thrown some sharp daggers and words at him for it lol. The older I get, the more I realize how inappropriate it is to comment on people and when they are having babies

missviolet92 :  your little picture is perfect. I’ve got so much career wise ahead of me, and new places to explore, I am in no hurry to have babies right now!

Post # 3
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

I was on my third or possibly 6th glass of wine at my cousin’s wedding.  Like waaaaay more wine than a pregnant lady can reasonably drink under the most liberal of medical guidelines. I asked my mom guess what?  She was like, your pregnant?!?!  I look at my wine glass…

This has happened multiple times while I’m drinking heavily.  (To be fair, shes been pressuring me while i’m sober too.)  Like, no. I’m not going to announce my pregnancy while drunk off my face.  But thanks for thinking I’m that awesome and responsible. 🙄  Just ignore people.  

Post # 4
Member
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

missviolet92 :  As someone who is CFBC I totally get it but that thing you posted is just as bad since it assumes all women want kids. It is the default of society but most people do not realise how often this is assumed until they decide they don’t want kids or go through the struggle of infertility/not being able to have kids by any means.

How about we just stop asking women about their uterus and how they plan to use or not use it. Instead of asking if someone has kids just ask if they have a family. That way it is inclusive of all family units and opens the door for the person to talk about such things if they want to. In my experience the conversation goes a lot better when I am asked about havng a family than if I have kids because I can answer yes I have a partner rather than have a judgement filled conversation centred around why I don’t want kids.

Post # 5
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My brother and SIL just had a baby so Christmas was full of people asking when we were going to have a baby. It definetly started to get frustrating. I think it was especially bad because we are a few years older than them. We were getting it from people on my side and my husband’s side though so it felt like we got asked “When are you going to have a baby?” a million times a day! Ugh…we rarely had to deal with that question before my neice was born.

The truth is my husband and I have a set plan to start trying on my 30th birthday. But I don’t want to tell anyone that because I don’t want added pressure while we are TTC. So we end up giving vague answers like “in a few years” or “soon enough” or “eventually” But apparently those answers aren’t satisfying for anyone because they keep asking!

I’ve also gotten comments on my age and I’m only 28!

Thankfully, no one has actually asked if I am pregnant. I think because I’ve recently lost 40 lbs and talk/post on social media pretty frequently about my weight loss journey.

Post # 6
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I get asked this a lot already… only been married 3 months! 🤦‍♀️

Post # 7
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

It started right after we got married… and it hurt since I had just had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy about 8 wweks after our wedding. The surgery left me bloated and I looked pregnant, just to add salt to the wound.

We’ve been TTC for 2 years now and I got so sick of people side eyeing me on all occasions or asking when we are having babies that I posted publicly that we were infertile. It shouldn’t have come to that though! People need to stay in their lane and learn not to ask since it’s none of their business…

Post # 8
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I NEVER ask anyone about when they plan to have kids. Having gone through infertility I know how painful that question can be so won’t ever ask it. 

Also – it’s none of my business what another woman does with her uterus. 

Post # 9
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Quite a few friends asked this around my wedding. I didn’t mind. I told the close friends we were going to ttc immediately, and the less close friends vaguely that we’d probably think about it in the next few years due to age.

Now I have experience of ttc however, I don’t want to be asked this anymore. It’s more stressful than I expected. 

Post # 10
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

missviolet92 :  YYESS!!! HUGE pet peeve of mine! I started calling people out on it and haven’t had it happen in over a year! =) 

For family… Stright face and look at them, I say. “Everytime you ask me that, it makes me NEVER want to have children.” That stopped their stupidity quick.

Others, friends… I acutally go into how rude that is to ask… What if I can’t have children. What if I don’t want children. Why do you feel asking any woman that is ok. Why is a woman not allowed to be sick unless she is preggo?? … Seriously, they will stop asking you. 

OR. I have told several people… ” I’m not able to have kids. Thanks for bringing it up.”  Usually lets them know, what they asked was not ok. 

Post # 11
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019 - City, State

missviolet92 :  I just dealt with a situation similar to this!!! I posted a picture of my significant other and I on Facebook saying Happy New Year. Someone said they hope this new year brings a baby on my honeymoon! I told them that we are waiting and will likely try in 2020. They kept going on and on about how pregnancies can be surprises and how they hope I have a baby. 

Post # 12
Member
909 posts
Busy bee

Perhaps there’s a deeper reason you’re upset over such questions? Getting pregnant is literally our nature, so asking a married woman in her 30’s—who has never openly expressed her opinions one way or another about having kids—about her pregnancy plans seems like a natural conversation starter; akin to any other question about yourself…so why do pregnancy related ones strike a nerve, specifically?

It’s okay if you personally don’t feel comfortable discussing it, and you have every right to shut down that conversation…but getting immediately offended and encouraging a movement to make the whole subject taboo seems like a step backwards. You can apply the “it’s none of your business” logic to just about any personal question. If it’s offensive to assume “all women want kids”, then it’s offensive to assume all high school students want/can go to college (so that means you should never ask a teen what they want to study or which colleges they want to apply to), or assuming that everyone has/wants/can have a career (so that means you should never ask what someone does for a living), etc. While everyone has the right to share what they’re comfortable with (because it IS their personal business that doesn’t affect you), there’s nothing wrong with attempting general conversation by asking people about themselves. It’s on everyone to be respectful to other people’s boundaries/intentions, whether that means gracefully and quickly backing off a topic that makes someone uncomfortable, or being gentle and non-judgemental with someone who asks an uncomfortable question before they’re aware that it makes you uncomfortable. 

ETA: (That’s not to say there aren’t completely obnoxious/rude *ways* to ask, as some examples from PP prove…but the same still applies for other personal questions, which is just another way of saying pregnancy questions should be treated as any other personal question. “When will you have babies” vs “Do you want to have babies?” are very different) 

Post # 13
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

For me it was because having a baby was ‘my nature’ my inability to get pregnant was a very painful topic for me. Being asked was a reminder of my failure and unlike other types of failures there was nothing that I could do to prevent / better this one. It’s not like I failed an exam where I could reason that I hadn’t studied enough. I was failing at becoming a mother because my nature wasn’t allowing it. 

 

Ive also had friends who have suffered pregnancy or child loss and the pain of that is beyond anything you can imagine.

i used to tell people we were trying but it wasn’t happening and that tended to shut them up. kiram :  

Post # 14
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

kiram :  I think it’s more to do with the lack of people’s ability to leave it alone when it comes to the children question. Ask a kid what they want to study in college if they are undecided people just go “ah you’ve got time to figure it out” and leave it. Ask a woman in her 30s when she’s having kids if she says she doesn’t know “ah better decide soon you’re not getting any younger” Or heaven forbid she says she doesn’t want kids “oh but why” or “youll change your mind” It’s not the question itself that’s the problem it’s some people’s inability to not accept an answer that isn’t defined plans to have children. 

Post # 15
Member
909 posts
Busy bee

Twizbe :  I certainly agree that there needs to be sensitivity to such questions, as there should be with any personal question. However, just because some people may have a reason to be uncomfortable with a question, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever ask. Some people don’t want to go to college, others have tried and couldn’t get accepted, or afford it; they could just as easily feel really uncomfortable, embarrassed, or ashamed to talk about it, yet schooling is probably the most common coversation topic proposed to teens/young adults…same for careers: some people are SAHP, or disabled, or can’t get hired. I’d never want to upset someone, but completely avoiding personal questions to prevent that doesn’t seem like a realistic solution. Maybe I’m wrong…just some thoughts. M

michelleh0686 :  No argument there, and I can definitely support a movement to change that type of attitude. Pestering anyone about any topic they’re clearly not interested in is rude, and does seem to happen most often to pregnancy related topics. I’m also 100% in favor of “politely declining to answer any personal question” being accepted and respected as an answer…I feel we’re socially constructed to think people who don’t want to answer personal questions at all are being rude or unfriendly; that should change. 

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