Stop asking me if I'm pregnant!!!

posted 10 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
2843 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yes, you’re wrong and I am assuming you’ve never experienced infertility etc.

i wouldn’t ask a teen about uni either, I might ask ‘so what are you up to now?’ Which would allow a conversation about uni if they wanted. I used to work with a man with no legs. Never asked him what happened to them. He volunteered that he’d been a coach driver and had a bad accident.  I don’t think you should ever ask a personal question (unless the other person brings up the topic and is clearly ok with questions) it’s not my place to pry. kiram :  

Post # 17
Member
2526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Yes yes yes it’s so annoying. We just announced we’re pregnant and I had a bunch of people previous to us announcing that were asking. Even if you are pregnant, most people want to wait until a safe time to announce. And even before I was pregnant, if I didn’t drink I was automatically assumed to be pregnant (or maybe I just don’t want to drink that day…good god!). It was so frustrating!

Post # 18
Member
2928 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m currently pregnant (and due next week!) and I was asked when we were having kids starting at our wedding nearly 2 years ago.  I agree, it’s super annoying.  I didn’t have a good answer except saying that we wanted some time to ourselves first.

Post # 19
Member
2972 posts
Sugar bee

My friend had this problem once at a multi-family gathering (ours, hers, hubby’s, etc). She turned to her aunt and loudly said “Who knows, but I’ll text you every time we have sex since you’re so invested.”

I still laugh when I think about it. 

Post # 20
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

MsPlucky :  genius! 

I’ve had baby questions since before the wedding. Because of my health, we don’t know if we’ll be able to have kids or not, but we don’t want to start trying till we were married and in our own house. I have said “well, it’s not like you can order them out of the Argos catalogue”. It’s usually such a left field response that it shuts people up. It’s such a personal question. I wouldn’t go up to a stranger and say “so, are you having unprotected sex?” Which is essentially the same question!

Post # 21
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

kiram :  The problem with this paticular topic is that 1) everyone thinks they have a right to have an opinion about your very personal choice, and 2) everyone thinks their way is the only right way. And people just don’t let it go. 

As another poster said, you wouldn’t get offended or push push push the subject and try to change someone’s mind on most other differences of opinion. People all make decisions based on what’s best for them. But when it comes to babies, people are freaking relentless. I once had a complete stranger tell me I was a selfish person because she overheard my aunt and I talking about kids, and I said that I wanted to wait til my 30s to have kids. I was 23. Unmarried. And this woman told me I was very selfish for wanting to wait to have kids. 

My Mother-In-Law also had a mini meltdown when we were engaged because we wouldn’t tell her when we planned to have children. In my opinion, it’s just not anyone’s damn business when my husband and I decide we’re ready for children. I don’t want people knowing when we’re TTC either. It’s not their business. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when outsiders feel entitled to my private business, or me and my husband’s private business. You wouldn’t harrass me for not wanting to discuss my medical info or finances with you, so don’t harrass me over this private info either. You’re not entitled to it. Period. 

Post # 22
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Both my mom and mother-in-law are awful with this in their own ways.

My Mother-In-Law is much more tolerable in my opinion, because she’s just excited and constantly tells me it’s not her business, no pressure, but she can’t wait for grandchildren (she knows we want kids so this wish isn’t forward).

My mother on the other hand…she’s less anxious for them (doesn’t mind us waiting for as long as we’d like) but it seems EVERYTHING I do results in an “Are you pregnant?” I have to pee? Must be pregnant. Don’t want wine? Pregnant. Bloated from over-eating on the holidays? Pregnant! (This one especially hurts because she is basically calling me fat.)

It drives me absolutely crazy. I finally told her I never appreciated the comments and that it was hurtful and she hasn’t done it since, but time will tell if it sticks…

Post # 23
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Twizbe :  Proximity is important. I’d never ask a coworker about not having legs. I would ask a friend who has lost their legs what happened. 

Most of the “are you pregnant yet?” questions PPs and posters on this board get frustrated by are often the closest people in their lives: siblings, family members, best friends. These are same people who might be called upon to wipe the poster’s behind one day, provide emergency shelter or finances, babysit in a pinch, throw baby showers, be godparents or active grandparents, etc.  These are people a baby would actually impact. 

Not to put too fine a point on it– You also just guessed about Kiriam’s reproductive history that would require her to disclose her own reproductive status in order to respond. You implied that kiriam has this position because of a lack of experience with infertility.  It’s not the same as asking a woman about her plans, but it is definitely a related rhetorical move. 

kiram :  This is nicely stated.  Like other personal questions, proximity between the asker and askee is important.  I wouldn’t ask a random teenager the details of their college plans, but I WOULD ask my own child their college/ graduate school plans.  I don’t think asking a general open-ended question is the issue… but not respecting boundaries is.

Post # 24
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

coffeecakez :  “These are same people who might be called upon to wipe the poster’s behind one day, provide emergency shelter or finances, babysit in a pinch, throw baby showers, be godparents or active grandparents, etc.  These are people a baby would actually impact.”

What? Having a baby would not impact these people unless they wanted to be impacted. They don’t have legal or financial obligations to said child. The parents do. This statement is nonsense. So because my parents might someday volunteer to babysit means they can ask me every day of the week whether or not I’m pregnant? Or when I plan to get pregnant? Or if I want to get pregnant? Or if I’m able to get pregnant? 

No. 

Unless I volunteer that information it is no one’s business. Stop asking. 

And the thing is, I really don’t get upset if someone asks once. I assume they’re not trying to be rude. But it never stops with that ONE TIME. It keeps getting asked. Over and over. 

And you know what else is bullshit? I’m the one that constantly gets asked these questions. Not my husband. No one asks him. Just me. As if he doesn’t have anything to do with it. We already have a 1 year old and apparently that’s not enough for people. Now it’s “time for baby #2!” Yes, a coworker literally just said that to me this morning. And another coworker last week. And a relative on Saturday at my son’s birthday party. Enough! And heaven forbid I have the stomach flu, like I did 2 weeks ago. Apparently the only reason women every throw up is pregnancy. Who knew?!?!

Post # 25
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

llevinso :   I was pretty clear that respecting someone’s boundaries is extremely important.  Hounding anyone about any question is just rude and ridiculous.  

There’s a difference between asking your family member about a major decision/ plan they’re undertaking and asking someone several times (or Jesus- several times a week!) about something they have told you they don’t want to talk about. 

I’m responding specifically to the idea that family members and close friends should never ask their loved ones about their plans to parent.  The not your uterus = not your business seems odd when these are the same people we rely on for help with babies and pregnancy related support. 

 

Post # 26
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I am dreading this after our wedding in May!! If anyone asks me if I am pregnant they will be getting some sharp angry comment back from me, no Fu*ks given!

Post # 27
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

coffeecakez : 

I’m responding specifically to the idea that family members and close friends should never ask their loved ones about their plans to parent.  The not your uterus = not your business seems odd when these are the same people we rely on for help with babies and pregnancy related support. 

You’re assuming quite a bit here, that most/many people will turn to close friends and family for help/support with babies. That is not at all the case for us, nor for many of our friends. 

Post # 28
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

kiram :  No, asking someone when they plan to have sex without protection is not a great conversation starter.

“Hi sweetie! How are you? Still using rubbers when you get banged?”

Post # 29
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

duchessgummybunns :  You are correct.  I don’t know many people who don’t rely on friends and/or family for emotional, practical, or logistical support during or after pregnancy.  

If that’s the case, then you’re absolutely right… some of these people might technically be close on the family tree, but the baby or pregnancy would literally be none of their business.  

Post # 30
Member
3224 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 kiram :  Yes, sory, but you’re wrong. And saying getting pregnant is a woman’s “nature” is insulting as well. About 10% of women of childbearing age in the US suffer from infertility, about 15% of of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and almost a quarter of a women in the US have had an abortion at some point in their lives. Those are all very personal, emotional, and painful experiences. Going to university or not simply doesn’t have that kind of emotional connection. Asking about a woman’s reproductive plans has a huge potential to dig up that pain. 

I had a MC in the summer and in the months following I had so many people ask me if we were going to have baby #2 any time soon. Friends, even my stepmom, people I am definitely close with and have babysat or spent personal time with my baby. That doesn’t mean they are entitled to know about whether I’m TTC or, even worse, bring up some really really painful experiences that I had not chosen to share with anyone. There are about a million other, more appropriate conversation topics. Take the “are you pregnant/do you want a baby/etc etc” ones out of your rotation. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors