(Closed) Stop! Before you get married…

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4528 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

We are good on all points except money, and I’m striving to become more of a saver because I do think it could affect our marriage. Helpful advice though, compatibility on the big things is crucial

Post # 4
Member
5144 posts
Bee Keeper

Really interesting post, commenting so I can look back at this in the future.

Post # 5
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think these are great!  Although new conflicts will always come up, I think it’s really important to know your significant other’s stance on all of these major life decisions before you enter into a marriage.  It’s also good to know the degree or extent to which your SO wants each of these–does he absolutely want to be a father in the next year or does he just “eventually” want to have kids, is he trying to save up for a house right this moment or is he ok with renting until both of you have more stable incomes, etc. 

Post # 7
Member
2970 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It’s great to know the facts and the basics – but unfortunately life is unpredictable. You really cannot plan perfection no matter how much you prepare for it.

Also, life is unpredictable because humans make it so (amongst other things) so the feelings I might have today about being kept alive or not during a tragic accident, will surely change if/when I am faced with that decision.

In the end it all comes down to respect. Respect for one another, your families, and your beliefs. All else falls into place between two respectful adults who know how to communicate, compromise, and cooperate (love helps tooWink ). 

Post # 8
Hostess
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Very good advice! Plus, the way you and your partner talk about these things can say a lot about your relationship. Are you good at communicating and compromising? Are your needs/wants/feelings equally important? Are you each other’s first priority? 

Post # 10
Member
4528 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@michiru4ever:  I don’t exactly think I’m in the wrong either, at least not entirely. I think I just make so little that saving isn’t much of an option, lol. But, having a nest egg is important to both of us, and we need to save for our honeymoon, a down payment on a condo, and possibly adoption. I would say I’m not that responsible with money, though, and that’s when it becomes a problem

Post # 11
Member
2970 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@michiru4ever:  Of course.

I guess we are evaluating different types of people. To me, people who get married without discussing ” the basics” have no place to be getting married to begin with. 

So where you were offering beginners advice on “How to make sure you’re ready for marriege”, I was simply adding on a more broad and fundamental “How to realize that after that, life will find a way to throw new curve balls your way” and more often than not people give up easily.

 

That’s all. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
11284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@michiru4ever:  sounds like a great book.  it should be mandatory for all couples.  we definitely discussed all of these matters.  

when you are in the same mindset as your partner, it definitely feels like more of a team.  you both share the same goal.

Post # 13
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

All of these are very good talking points to reflect on with your SO/FI.  DH and I discussed pretty much all of these at length over the course of our engagement and I think it was very eye opening for us to hear each others’ perspective on some of these things.  For the most part, we are very much on the same page, which was encouraging to know as we proceeded with wedding plans 🙂  Too many times, I think couples get wrapped up in the romance and the whimsical notion of being head over heels in love, that they think these things will just work themselves out, which IMO is a huge mistake and I think that’s why the divorce rate is so high.  They’re not always the most fun topics to discuss and can lead to some debate between you and your SO, but I would much rather debate them early and try to find common ground (or realize that there is no common ground and that you may not be as compatible as you think you are) than to come upon these roadblocks early in married life and realize that we have a serious problem going on!  Great post OP 🙂

Post # 14
Member
6134 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

All of those those topics are discussed in pre-marital counseling…which is why most officiants require couples to do sessions before they will marry them. Some people have an aversion towards pre-marital counseling because they think the officiant will try to make it all about religion or judge them and tell them they should or should not get married, which isn’t true if you find a good officiant. Ours gives you a workbook with certain sections to go over (like the ones listed above) and then we meet with him to discuss them and he essentially acts as the outside, third party that helps guide our discussions.

Post # 15
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I also think the views you both have on divorce are very important.

If you think divorce is (almost) never an option and he feels that if the relationship isn’t working then it’s the only choice – then you are going to have problems.

Post # 16
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Will definitely have to check this book out as the points mentioned really make sense. I definitely believe healthy(!!!) compromise is important as well, but only on the items that you deem negotiable not the non-negotiables.

Lastly, I think since we all tend to see things with rose-colored glasses when with our SO/FIs, we need to take a step back and look at things like a single person. Basically, we need to think, “If I were single right now, would I want to buy my own place or rent? Do I want a child so badly that I’d raise it alone? Do I have the commitment to save up X amount of money and pay off y amount of debt? Do I want to reintroduce God in my life and if so, how will I do it?” By thinking like a single person, you have a more honest assessment of yourself and YOUR wants/needs/desires as they won’t be muffled/clouded by the wants of your SO/FI. Does that make sense?

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