(Closed) Stop comparing my wedding to yours!!!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You are right to feel upset and even a little hurt that they are expecting so much from you and comparing you to their daughter, but you have to foot the bill! I understand where they are coming from, your Future Mother-In-Law is probably just excited to be planning two weddings (one of which is free to her) and is probably getting swept up in the “should-do’s”. Whenever she makes mention of how you “should” do things, just smile and say that is a nice idea, but I’m thinking something more along the lines of X… and just be honest. It is YOUR and your FI’s wedding! Also, how lame would it be for the guests to go to two family weddings (some guests are bound to be the same) and see two weddings that are pretty much cookie cutter?

As for the flowers and invites, your cost-effectiveness will allow more money to be put into other areas! And I ordered online invitations from zazzle.com for a baby shower I threw and ewas BLOWN AWAY by how well they came out and the cost! I will definitely be going online for my wedding invitiation purchase.

Do what makes you happy and you will love the result. Your in laws will too, when they see it. Just keep your head up and continue planning, maybe make an inspiration book so your Future Mother-In-Law can see your vision rather than continue to be blinded by her own.

Post # 4
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I think it’s just going to be natural for FMIL/FSIL to want to help out with the vendors, etc- they’ve done the research, and probably are just trying to be helpful.

I also understand your frustration about comparing the two- Future Sister-In-Law will be married two years when we get married, and Future Mother-In-Law brings up things from FSIL’s wedding a LOT. That wedding easily cost two times what ours will (FILs only paid for 20% of that wedding, FSIL’s inlaws paid for the rest)

You can get “good advice” from the beehive on when to send out your invites, you don’t need to spend twice as much on them. 🙂  Same with flowers- they’re spending on flowers what our venue cost- crazy!!

I think you might be giving the Future In-Laws the impression that you want the feedback. Ex: You told Future Mother-In-Law what you wanted to spend on centerpieces- if you hadn’t brought that up, she probably wouldn’t have said anything. If you don’t bring up your budget, hopefully they won’t. If you get a suggestion that you don’t like (like the invites), say “thank you,” take the information, and do your own thing.  

Post # 5
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would avoid mentioning the specifics in your budget to them anymore if you can avoid it. Once everything is pulled together during both weddings it will be lovely, and no one is going to care about the price tag.

Post # 6
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We have run into something similar– Fiance is one of 6 and the 4th to get married (we expect his brother to get engaged any day and to be married before us, which we are totally excited about!). All of them have had amazing weddings with much larger budgets. It totally works for them, but my Fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding, with some helpf from my parents. We aren’t the people to spend $50k on a day. It was important for me to have my Future In-Laws involved, but there was no way I could afford what they afford.

What I find is focus on the ideas and advice, and then use different vendors. They have great knowledge on timing, dress, and the questions to ask. I store their information and then meet with the vendors by myself. I do not share budget information at all and they don’t really ask. Instead we focus on big picture and I deal with details alone. 

Post # 7
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee

The simple answer to this is to accept her advice (because it does sound like she has good intentions) and then go your own route. Why does she need to know what your proposed budget for items are? The answer is, she doesn’t! She can give you all the advice she wants, but in reality, you know that you are going to be able to pay much less for a lot more! Safe yourself the grief and stop over-sharing the money details. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve noticed that it’s hard to talk wedding with someone who is planning their own or just recently got married.  Everyone has an opinion!  On of my dearest friends and her husband (she’s a BM!) were over the other night and Fiance even had to ask them to stop trying to plan our wedding timeline.  They were trying to tell us that that we were doing it wrong.  I just smiled and said “Thanks for your input but we’re happy with it the way it is!”

All of a sudden everyone’s an expert. 

Post # 9
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I sounds really frustrating and i can totally understand, but try not to let it get to you. They’re not trying be mean or annoy you. They’re trying to help. So just smile, say thanks so much, and do what you want.

Post # 10
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@BellaDee:  idk who is paying for what but since it seems Future Mother-In-Law isn’t paying for your wedding, she shouldn’t know how much you’re spending on anything

You may have to have a talk with them and say that you’d like to leave price out of the convo when talking about weddings…I think it’s tacky to tell people how much you spend anyway..why are they telling you how much their invitations cost?

Post # 12
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

@MsMindle:  I agree.  I’ve found that this is the best way to handle all of the advice that comes with planning a wedding.  Otherwise you will stress yourself out over something that you are not going to do anyways.  Laughing

Post # 13
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I love my Mother-In-Law but I went through something similar with her and it was especially frustrating because nobody asked her to contribute anything yet she regularly expressed disdain for my ideas.  She insulted my budget, she insulted my centerpiece ideas, she insulted my desire to have a small intimate wedding in Northern Michigan somewhere…and I let her basically walk all over me.  I rarely stood up to her.  Just stand your ground and maybe tell her you don’t need her input since she’s not paying.  Looking back now I really wish I’d had the balls to tell her to STFU because I still harbor some resentment towards her for how inconsiderate she was.

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