STOP IT! It's just a couple of drinks.

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
3458 posts
Sugar bee

I have opposite sex friends that I grab a drink or meal with one-on-one so I obviously don’t think that’s such a big deal. Lying about it? That would not fly and only feeds any suspicions you may have. That has to stop, pronto. 

You are married and I don’t agree with ditching a marriage at the first difficulty. Be aware and proactive. Join your H and his friends for drinks. Plan some fun outings for the two of you.  If you have a history of being insecure with yourself explore that through therapy–not for him, but for you. 

Post # 17
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

This is totally unacceptable. You must set your boundaries. Tell him to stop now or you’re gone. Sorry, but it is setting the stage for an office affair.

Post # 18
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

He’s kind of an asshole with his responses.

Post # 19
Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

The lying would really bother me. Like, is he saying “I went for lunch with a work buddy and a few women” and then the story later changed to “I went for lunch with this one woman you’re not happy with?” About the same incident? I think that’s what you said but it’s not 100% clear. 

The fact he felt he had to lie about it and then his paranoia he might get caught out made him change his story… that is a HUGE red flag. If he didn’t feel like he needed to hide his interaction, why would he do so? And if it wasn’t weighing on his conscience that he did worse wrong than just lunch why would he change his story?

he knows he did wrong. He needs to stop hanging out one on one. 

Post # 20
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

What did the texts say?

Post # 21
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee

That’s weird. I have a couple guy friends I would hang out with one on one, but I wouldn’t be all weird about it. I would have been like, I had lunch with Bob. Or my husband would be invited to drinks with Bob because now Bob is his friend too. For work friends after work absolutely my husband is invited too. If say it’s a networking event (I don’t go to those anymore) I’ll most likely go alone bc it’s not for fun it’s to see what job opportunities there are out there. Also I want to get home after work, not spend time with people at a bar after unless it’s one of those “voluntary but expected” work events. I don’t miss those. 

It would help to know what field of work he’s in I know lawyers have to do these lunches and drinks all the time. 

He’s being weird about it. And there’s no “playful” texts going on either, that’s weird too. What did they say? 

Post # 22
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

It always amazes me how naive people are about cheating. 

No, a cheater won’t necessarily go out of his or her way to hide their behaviour because they often have very trusting partners like you at home. There’s such a thing as hiding in plain sight.

Yes, we all know stories of normal male/female work friends and lunches, drinks etc. I have several myself.

But in those friendships wouldn’t  you do all you could to reassure your partner if they were feeling nervous about it? Not just tell them it was their issue? Or lie?

Smh. Head out of sand please. 

Post # 23
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

When two people get married one person’s problems become both of their problems. Maybe you do have issues with jealousy, maybe you do have issues with trust (although with his response I think your feelings are normal). But those are issues he should help solve WITH you. Not with “Ok honey I know you have issues with jealousy and trusting me but how about you solve them on your own while I go hang out with my hot friends” yeah doesn’t work that way. Your husband is a jerk.

Post # 24
Member
3203 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m curious to know if you’ve spoken with him again and if there’s been any further development in his understanding of appropriate spousal behavior. 

Post # 25
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

I am trying really hard to not be the bee who says “leave!” (99% of the time I am).

I have one male coworker that I chat on the phone with during the day.  I’m in my car alone all day and of the handful of ppl I play phone tag with, he’s the only male besides FI.  

Would I get a drink with him after work?  Yeah, maybe.  But I also would be honest with FI about it.  I’d actually probably invite FI.  Why wouldn’t I?  Less stress for me.  I don’t want to make anybody uncomfortable & I have nothing to hide.

 

Errr- nah I can’t do it.  I can’t honestly defend your SO.  

Lying is indicative of feeling guilty.  He’s either cheating or fantasizing about cheating.

Either way he is being insensitive & disrespectful.

Post # 26
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club

So here’s what I would do, because I’m petty and a natural b****h: every day I’d be sitting outside that office when he got off, like “we (all of us) going for drinks today?” I would literally clear my schedule to be a pain in his butt for about a month. What’s he going to do, but show his true cards? If you still feel disrespected, announce marriage counseling or present papers for a legal separation at the same time. YOU ARE NOT HIS DOORMAT! PEOPLE ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!

Post # 27
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

It’s not your own problem. Your problems are his problems too, and vice versa. I agree with him in that he shouldn’t be banished from ever talking or seeing these people again (which isn’t even what you are trying to do!) but there should be SOME compromise. He should be doing anything he can to make you feel more comfortable. 

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