(Closed) stop smoking or I walk down the isle myself?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 48
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@carlypaige:  I know it is really frustrating dealing with addiction.  My father died from alcoholism.  There was nothing, no threat, no promise, no reward that would have changed his disease. Recovery is only possible when it is a choice to do so, and even then the person may relapse.  Nicotine is so very addictive, you can not control this addiction or the addict.  

You can love, support, encourage…If it is really bad and threatens your health/safety, you can cut them out of your life & choose not to be around it.  But you cannot force recovery from a disease.

Kudos for you choosing recovery and quitting smoking.  

Post # 49
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

As long as they aren’t literally smoking while walking you down the aisle, I don’t think you have any say. 

Post # 50
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@peachacid:  You read my mind!!!!  LOL.

Post # 51
36 posts
  • Wedding: April 2014

No. I used to smoke. All smokers know it’s bad for them and that others hate their habit. But like any change – weight loss, getting out of debt, etc. – no amount of convincing is get them to take action unless the person is truly ready to change.


Post # 52
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why not say the one gift I want from you for my wedding is for you to quit smoking? 

My aunt quit smoking for my wedding and she told me that was my gift.  I think she ended up starting again, but it’s her life.  I don’t like it but I wouldn’t like someone telling me how to live my life.

I do phsyical activities that my family thinks are dangerous and if someone threatened me or gave me an ultimatum, it wouldn’t make me any more inclined to stop doing them.  It would probably have the opposite effect.

Post # 53
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Ultimatums never work. Are you seriously going to not invite your parents to participate in your wedding if they choose to continue smoking? My mother died from smoking so I have very strong opinions about cigarettes. And even watching the hell she went through for 10 years, I wouldn’t consider this tactic.

Post # 54
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@carlypaige:  this is somehting they have to do for themselves.  I don’t believe ultimatums work.

Post # 55
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@carlypaige:  Honey, I hear you. I would absolutely consider doing exactly what you asked. But in reality, they aren’t going to quit unless THEY are ready to quit. 

Since the wedding is a year away and your mom already has a lot of health problems I might talk to her about being worried that she will continue to get worse and either not be there for your wedding or not be able to enjoy it as she should.

Either that or make it a REALLY long aisle so they would run out of breath first if they didn’t stop smoking!

Post # 56
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

In the world of addiction recovery, your ultimatum is a huge “no”.

Post # 57
108 posts
Blushing bee

@mtbikelover:  +1

I quit smoking 2~3 years ago. As a previous smoker, I’d say “smoking is dangerous” or “if you don’t smoke I’ll do X” almost never work.

What made me to consider quitting was when I realized that me quitting smoking could make someone really happy – my current Fiance who was just a close friend of mine and another friend. They never tried to explain how bad it is. They knew that I knew the risk – I was happy to take the harm and most smokers are the same. Fiance and the other friend never urged. Fiance one day told me he repects my taste but if I consider to quit, it would make him really happy. And my best friend agreed. They were non smoker friends who would come out and stand with me while I’m out for smoking. That topic never brought again, but I could see they sincerely would feel I quit and that made me think about it. One day, because I love them so much and it would clearly make them happy, I decided to give a shot. I told them I am considering and they were so excited and super supportive. I never consider smoking again but from my experience, I know quitting smoking is only possible when the smoker wants to quit.

Everyone has something unhealthy for health – it can be soda or french fries for someone, it can be smoking for someone else. Being supportive works much better than being judgemental or threatening. 

Post # 58
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@wabanzi:  +100.

OP, ultimately, it’s your wedding and you can do what you please. Nine times out of ten, addiction will not be thwarted by an utimatum. If you love them and want them to walk you down the aisle, do it. Otherwise, if the smoking bothers you that much, you can walk down the aisle yourself.

Post # 60
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@carlypaige:  As the daughter of a smoker, I GET IT. I’ve done everything throughout my childhood to try and get my mother to stop, even getting my 3-year-old brother (when I was about 8) to say that he knew she smoked and wanted her to stop…. It didn’t work. It only made her upset. BUT I wouldn’t go so far as to say “quit or you’re not walking me down the aisle” because that’s not a door I’d EVER want to open. What if they said no and kept smoking….? I wouldn’t be able to be around them ever again, and I wouldn’t feel right having put them in the position to say that. I really don’t think you can say anything to them to make them stop, but I know your intentions are good!

Post # 61
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

People don’t quit for other people, they do it for themselves.  Other people or things might be their motivation but unless they truely want to quit for themselves, they won’t.  My father smoked from the time he was about 14-15 all the way until his 60’s and tried to quit half a dozen times in between.  Funny thing was my uncle, who isn’t a smoker and is really healthy had a quad bypass out of nowhere.  I’m not sure if this played any motivating factor, but one day he quit.  Cold turkey.  I have no idea why.  9 months later doctors discovered an aneurism which resulted in a botched surgery and he’s curently got lung issues which doctors are trying to figure out what’s going on, but he still hasn’t gone back to smoking and it’s been several years.  He had done pills, counsuling, patches, rolled his own (he thought it’d be too much work and would save money) but in the end, something switched over in that brain of his and he made a choice.  Even as a child when I’d complain about the smell and danger, he’d just no longer smoke in the car or in the house where I’d be around.


Anyways!  Do I think you’re dumb and cruel for this ultimatem that you’re trying to give?  Not at all. I get it.  You want what’s best for them and you’re hopefull inside that they’d actually care enough about you to make this change.  But ultimately you’re only going disappoint yourself and probably your parents when the day comes and they won’t be next to you.  Take what you said back and explain what you’re really feeling and that you hope they’ll still be around for your kids (if that’s the plan) and your future. 



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