(Closed) Stopped wearing the promise ring… and he hasn’t even noticed!

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@cincity75:

This varies from state to state.  

OP, can we get some more information if you’re willing?

Post # 33
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would say ***calmly*** have a talk with him about your future, your timeline, etc (and by “your” I mean BOTH of your timelines). It could just be that he is happy with where things are at, and didn’t realize you are getting so anxious. What seems incredulous to us can sometimes baffle them. After all, being married is all about communication, and being up front with one another. This is a good place to start!

Post # 34
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I think a discussion about the next year’s timeline should be had.  Ten years is a long time to wait.

Post # 35
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@desertgirl: I’m sorry you are feeling so frusterated, but if you have goals that he doesn’t share, you need to talk about it. It might be hard not to get angry. But just remember that you love him but you have to accomplish YOUR goals and he needs to decide if he’s on board or not.

Good luck!!

Post # 36
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Okay, so a lot has been said here but I’m chiming in anyway.

Taking off the promise ring and expecting him to know what that means is a wee bit passive aggressive. I know you don’t mean to be, but it can definitely come off that way. So I think that’s probably the wrong angle for you to take here. Wear it or don’t wear it as you’d like, but it’s not a good way to send a message.

Mostly, I just want to say what Miss Sloth said. Please don’t give ultimatums. Don’t approach the subject in anger. Don’t bring it up in a fight or when either of you is upset over something. Choose a nice calm time and approach it matter of factly and without blame. Avoid accusations. Talk about what you want and what he wants and see where they’re alike and where they’re different.

Most importantly, do not make rash decisions. Do not let anger or disappointment drive you into saying or doing something you might later want to take back. Try to be calm, even though that’s not easy.

I get it, not easy advice to follow. I know, and I’m sorry about that. But if you approach him with what he hears as anger, accusations, or ultimatums, he is likely to react in a way that you will not like. (That’s a human tendency not a guy thing, for the record.) But please do talk to him. Taking off your ring and waiting for him to notice is not helping either of you. You are going to get angrier the longer he doesn’t notice, and you may express that by the time you blow up. And he will not understand what happened and will likely react badly as well. You will feel much better and get better results by calmly discussing the issue before anyone reaches that point.

And no matter what happens, there are a bunch of lovely ladies here willing to support you.

Post # 37
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

If I were you I would absolutely give him back his promise ring.( well it depends on the meaning of the promise ring I guess) I’d say ‘this is supposed to represent a promise that you saw a future in which you take your commitment a step further. Now its been X years, I haven’t seen any progress in that direction. We NEED TO TALK!”

Girlie you have to be direct and to the point. After 10 years hoping he gets the little signs isn’t going to get you anywhere. You need to step up and have a honest discussion.

Good luck and please do keep us informed, And Welcome to the hive!

Post # 39
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Is he accurate that you will not be willing to move? In the month you give him to think, I would also think what you are willing to give up or not give up to be with him. If he is not happy in Phoenix and wants to move, are you willing to breakup with him or would you be willing to move?  I think that is a conversation that would also need to happen so you both know what is uncompromisable for each of you.

Post # 40
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with lefeymw, if he is unhappy with where you a living, you need to decide if you would be willing to move. That could end up being a deal breaker, or whether or not he decides to propose. Good luck.

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