Stopping Sex before Marriage?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
9810 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The way I am processing this situation is, she will change depending on her friends or group of people she is with ”

Thats kind of a pot meet kettle situation as you gave up your beliefs because a girl came around who wanted different.  You literally did exactly what you’re now saying she’s doing. 

Post # 17
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It sounds like she’s recently gotten more devout about her faith? Am I wrong? It really probably doesn’t have to do with the people she’s around. Maybe she just feels guilty? If you follow a religion that frowns upon pre-martial sex then you can end up feeling very guilty and shameful about it. It doesn’t sound like you really understand the point of stopping which makes me question whether you are of the same faith as her? It absolutely matters if you’re a Christian & you view the act as sin.

Post # 18
8317 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

slomotion :  

Yes. Sounds like OP is pissed off because no more sex ( completely  understandable) and,  moreover,  is less  religiously inclined than he was  ( also understandable ) . Problem  is he finds his own position  rational – though it actually isn’t,  vide the virginity/stealing thing  a pp outlined – but her position  he finds  irrational and annoying and  swayed by the last convincing argument she heard.

OP , you  are going to  have to accept that what she wants now, no matter what course she took to come to it , is actually what she feels to be right .  Either you live with  that, and the concomitant celibacy, or you don’t  and you move on, painful though that may be . 

I might add generally that suggesting that changing ones mind because of other people’s views  is not actually a sign of weakness or stupidity . We don’t  come to any position in a mental or social vacuum, we listen, we  read , we study, we consider and sometimes  change our positions  radically .  

Post # 19
1535 posts
Bumble bee

I do think you should shelf the proposal for now. First, you need to get on the same page regarding your faith. Will you join her church? Will you marry in her church? Is this a deal breaker for you? Is you not joining a deal breaker for her? That’s the bigger issue imo. 

Second, I don’t agree with “testing” your SO. Have a candid conversation  as adults about where you see the relationship going. If either of you can’t or won’t , maybe you both need time to mature or at least figure out what it is you want out of a relationship.

Finally, I personally don’t buy into sex exceptionalism and the special connotations put on it by religion. So, my only advice is to think about and better articulate to her why you don’t agree with her new found no sex rule. 

Post # 20
348 posts
Helper bee

rocky2018 :  I really enjoy sex.  As does my Fiance.  Sex is a very important part of our relationship.  (Adittedly its not everything, it ebbs and flows.)  However, it is important to find a partner who has similar needs.

 If i was with a man who cut off sex, it would be the end of our relationship.  I’m not a sex maniac.  But sex is important.  The levels of desire have to match.  The expectations have to match.  Otherwise there is a great deal of disappointment.

Post # 21
6438 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

On the one hand, you say this is making you reconsider your decision to propose, and on the other hand you say she is the ONE. If this is the right woman for you, without question, you wouldn’t hesitate to propose, so either one thing or the other (reconsidering the proposal or that she is the right one for you) is wrong. But honestly, you both sound young and impressionable and easily swayed by others. Perhaps you need to get your own head straight so you are clear on what you really think before moving forward.

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