(Closed) Story of my Engagement…. Not a Happy Go Lucky Story! (lengthy)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1438 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

WOW, i cant believe i read all that. lol I dont really have any advice, I’m not a very religious person so I have no idea how your feeling. But I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for how your family is reacting to everything. I wish you could follow your heart & marry your fiance. In the end the choice is yours. You can keep waiting for your pastors blessing, but his answer might always be no. What are you going to do then? I wish you the best!

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Why are you letting so many other people/factors control YOUR life?

Post # 5
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m ignorant to this, but how does one “see the holy ghost” in the person? What more does your Fiance have to do besides raising his hands to pray? 

I am not making fun of your religion or telling you to change, but I think you have two clear cut options:

1. Marry the person you love. Accept that you are making a new family with him and that you can find similar churches that maybe your Fiance will feel more comfortable with in the end. As for your parents, realize that you are 31 and not their “little girl” anymore. You are no one’s little girl and are capable of making thoughtful and important decisions without needing their approval. 

2. Leave your Fiance. If he will not raise his hands to pray and your pastor will not marry him for that, well, it’s kind of end of the road for you. As much as that sucks, if your religion and being “ok” with your family means more to you than getting married to this man, it may be time to just cut your losses and go.

There is no easy answer to this. You will hurt someone. I think it is best that you start some open and honest conversations with your family, Fiance, and pastor about your choices and how you are feeling.  

Post # 6
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@KatyElle:  THIS. If this pastor, who you claim will blackball you if you don’t get married by him, won’t welcome your Fiance and your love into his church, isn’t that already blackballing? And why would you ever want to be a member of any organization that would do that? I think it’s time to make some changes about what YOU want, not your family or church. 

Post # 7
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Is there another pastor you can ask to marry you in your religion?  My church refused to marry my husband and I but we were still married by a much more understanding pastor.  I’m very lucky that my parents stood up for me and found a new church because they were so hurt at the way I was treated. 

Maybe a destination wedding with a pastor in another town?  Maybe he would be more open and it wouldn’t be about your pastor’s (strange) refusal to see the Holy Ghost in your fiance. 

I know for my family, living together before marriage would be a “worse” sin than marrying outside the family church, so I would urge you to try again with your pastor or another.

Good luck, I’m sorry this is so hard.  I hope you’re able to find resolution.

Post # 8
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am sorry. You seem to be in a very difficult situation. Faith is something very close to a believers heart. Its very hard for me to comment because I don’t really understand why your pastor will not marry you and your SO. However I do believe that relgion should never stand between love. God is love, and you have something amazing in your life experiencing it. 

Good luck.  

Post # 9
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Honestly you need to decide whether you want to live the life you want or the life your parents want. You’re an adult now and you need to stand up and make your own choices. If you want to live the life your parents want, then break up with this guy and find someone in the church and never make any decisions for yourself. However, if you want to live your own life, then just start doing it. Marry him and find a new church that works for both of you. If your parents are hurt by their decision, you should realize that it’s only their fault because of their own stubborness.

Post # 10
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

KatyElle:  —> THIS

I understand that you in YOUR LIFE require the approval of your Parents & your Church… but ultimately…

You are a grown woman… you are responsible for YOUR OWN HAPPINESS !!

Personally, I’d be looking for a new church to welcome BOTH of you.  This one seems a little too evangelical for me

Remember FAITH is about God, and Religion is about Man… they are two different things.

No where does the list of things you are living your life by come from God… they definitely seem to be hurdles that are being put upon you by man-kind (and a man-made Religion)

You have been more than reasonable… waiting years now for everyone around you to be accepting of your LOVE.  They’ve had plenty of time… you are wasting your life waiting any longer (I hate to say it… but some folks just don’t see “some other folks” who are different than themselves to ever be equals… that is racism, and the way your Pastor talks about your Hunny… twinges of racism IMO)

Go find another Pastor, another Church… and marry this AMAZING MAN already who keeps jumping thru hoops to prove his LOVE to you !!

 

Post # 11
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

So I’m guessing you and your Fiance are Pentecostals and since your Fiance hasn’t been “overcome by the Holy Spirit” during a service yet so your pastor won’t marry you? Has your Fiance thought about attempting to become a more active member to try and sway your pastor, like joining to a bible study?

Personally I would not want to be active in a group that did not approve of my Fiance or our relationship.

Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Why did your parents leave the church to get married?  You say they’ve been back for many years now, so that leads me to believe that both the church and their families eventually accepted their marriage, wouldn’t it be the same for you?  Why are you being held to some double standard?

Also, the Pastor has said that the two of you can be married outside the church, or by another officiant, and still belong, so ultimately you’ll still be a member even if you go outside to be married.  It will take some time for things to cool off, but don’t you think it will go better for you, and you’ll face less judgement if you go away to be MARRIED rather than moving in together and “Living in Sin” (as they’d surely see it).

Post # 13
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is bound to be a controversial suggestion, but what if your Fiance “faked” the Holy Ghost?

Maybe you could tell him what normally happens when one gets the Holy Ghost (I’m guessing it’s hand-waving, but it might be speaking in tongues, dancing, rolling on the floor or any number of other things.)

On one hand, you may argue that God might not like this, but I think God would like that way more than the two of you breaking off from your family and living in sin.

Post # 14
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this heart ache and stress. I’m not very religious either, but I used to be. And I just don’t understand the pastor at all.  

What is more devine than true love? What is more holy than wanting to join your life with someone who accepts you for who you are? Someone who’s willing to go to church with you, someone who’s willing to be baptized? I feel like your pastor is working against God here. Because clearly God has blessed you in finding this man that you love so much. I mean, if your Fiance wasn’t willing to go to church, i could see the pastor saying no, but with all the effort he’s making? 

I think you and your Fiance need to go to your parents, and tell them that you are going to  be married, and maybe ask them to help you find someone else? That way they feel apart of the process and you won’t feel stressed about going against them.  After you’re married, you can continue to go to church and live happily ever after.

Post # 15
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You sound like you’re not totally into the church you grew up in.  I’d seriously look at what you like about it, and what you don’t like about it.  To me, religion and spirituality are extremely personal.  If your personal beliefs don’t fit with the church, leave it.  Your parents will get over it — they got over your brother’s leaving.

 

Good luck!  

Post # 16
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@KatyElle:  This.

You know what you want. I’m sure your brother will support you and yes it may take a very long time but your parents will come around though perhaps not until their death bed. (probably the 1st grandchild) I hope you follow what God wants here and not what your parents want. Goodluck and best wishes

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