Strained relationship with MIL over wedding – Depressed and put out.

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If you don’t accept their money, you don’t have to have THEIR wedding. You can have your own. My legitimate advice is for you and your fiance to not take any of their money. I appreciate that their money doesn’t mean they get to plan your wedding for you, nor should it ever mean that. But they obviously think it means that, so the best thing to do is not be financially entangled with them. If your parents are contributing and you are contributing, you should be able to have a small wedding–and one that is much more reasonable given THE PANDEMIC IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. 

Post # 3
Member
642 posts
Busy bee

There are lots of things I could advise you to do, but honestly it’s irrelevant unless you strengthen your spine a bit and stand up to them. Recognise that as a grown adult you are their equal, not a child who needs to be admonished or dictated to. The general rule of thumb is “no pay, no say”, so what you SHOULD do is reject their cash and tell them the guest list is cut and you’re going to have the wedding you want. If you feel you can’t do that, you need to remind them this is not their wedding and be very firm in putting your foot down over the rest of the arrangements. 

Post # 5
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

View original reply
@lima1991:  If you two are going to be married, you’ll need to start compromising and listening to each other now. He should care about your feelings here, certainly more than he cares about his parents’ feelings/desires. Your parents don’t have to foot the bill for his huge guest list because he needs to cut it down significantly. If you two can’t come together on this and leave both sets of parents out of the decision making, your marriage will come up against far greater obstacles. 

Post # 6
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

View original reply
@obviousanonymous:  every single word of this. 

Post # 7
Member
2879 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@lima1991:  Your Fi needs to step in here. You should not give in on guest count. It changed everything. A wedding is not a business event. If you’ve never met someone, they shouldn’t be invited to the wedding. What you needed to do, is allow them a certain number of guests and then enforce it. You can’t keep giving in, because you just will get more and more miserable and weddings have a way of costing more than planned as time goes on. 

Post # 8
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee

I didn’t even read the whole thing, because your solution is simple, just like 

View original reply
@obviousanonymous:  pointed out.  Take zero money, feel zero guilt about doing what you want.  My in-laws offered financial help with my wedding, but I KNEW it would come with some misplaced sense of ownership.  So I flat out said no and had the wedding I could afford.  When my Mother-In-Law made some off the wall suggestion, I could swiftly say “Nope, I don’t care for that, I’m going in a different direction.”  Case closed.  It was great. 

Tell them you don’t want their money and draw some healthy boundaries, bee.  This isn’t about them.

Post # 9
Member
7979 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This is as much a Fi problem as it is an in-law problem. The two of you have to work together to find a solution you are both happy with and present a united front to both sets of parents, even if that means you pay for your own wedding.

This is a big deal, Bee, the first test of how you will handle things together in your marriage and how much control you let others have over major life choices. Let them steamroll you now and what’s next? You vacation where they choose because they are paying? Your children attend the school they are willing to pay for because your husband respects their opinions and their money more than he respects you? If you aren’t already in pre-marital counseling it’s time. 

Post # 10
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee

Whose wedding is it? Yours or your in-laws’.

I think that you and your future husband need to decide what sort of wedding you both would like and how much you wish to spend, regardless of what either set of parents want. Then stick to your plans. This might mean the pair of you having to take on some disgruntled relatives but the relatives concerned will just have to get used to the pair of you being a team.

Start how you mean to go on. This is probably going to be the first of many times that your future husband is going to have to stand up to his parents and so he might as well get used to it.

If you can avoid taking money from your families then please do. In the case of your in-laws it’s not a free gift. It’s a cross between a bribe (to do it their way) and emotional blackmail. This doesn’t bode well for the future unless you stop it now.

I even think that eloping might be a way forward if all else fails.

Post # 11
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

It is not unusual at all for people in business to include important clients and customers in their wedding plans.    This is something you and your fiance need to sit down together and discuss and agree upon before proceeding any further with plans.    Does he want to include these people (not due to his parents but due to his desires)?   If he does, then you and he need to work on a compromise that works and then present it to his parents as a done deal.  Together.

 

If he does not, you need to go to his parents together and let them know that you have taken a step back and are re-thinking the wedding plans.   That you have decided this is how you are going to proceed.    They can contribute or not but you are happy to have them there as guests.

 

It all comes down to what you as the couple decide together.

Post # 12
Member
3422 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@kmjkh:  

“It is not unusual at all for people in business to include important clients and customers in their wedding plans.” 

That is true, and since OP’s fiance already participates in the family business, and might be a heir of said business, this is something that he might want to take into consideration.

Post # 13
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@lima1991:  I feel you on this. Except my in-laws kept adding people, and they weren’t paying for anything! We didn’t ask them to pay, and were willing to pay for all of FI’s family and most of his parent’s friends – however – She kept adding more of her friends, whom I didn’t know at alland fiance didn’t even know that well, and when we politely told her that her added guests would put us over budget and they were welcome to come if she pays for their plates – she refused, saying that they couldn’t afford it! Then she started talking badly about me to my fiance because we didn’t give her what she wanted- it was a mess. I was so stressed out that in the end, my mom ended up calling Mother-In-Law and offering to pay for her guests so I could enjoy my wedding and not be stressed about MIL’s trash talking. I was so pissed that she gave her what she wanted because still to this day she is bossy and only nice when she gets her way. Then my in-laws planned & went on a pricey vacation a mere month after the wedding – after crying poverty, throwing a tantrum and letting us pay for HER extra guests. AKA, she had the money to pay, she just didn’t want to! I would suggest not taking their money if at all possible.

Post # 15
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee

This is a much bigger problem than the wedding and a misunderstanding about an email or division of costs. You’ve got manipulative in-laws using age-old manipulative tactics on you. Just take a look at the example you gave. They went and got THEIR caterer that they worked with *twenty years ago?!* even though they were alerted to the fact that he had gone out of business and then lashed out at you when he backed out? Really…? They’re controlling and then nasty when they don’t get their way. Consider this a harbinger of things to come with every life decision and life milestone ahead with *their* baby boy. They would have no control over you if not through their son. So here’s the real problem with the situation. It’s entirely unrealistic to expect any disengaging of control tactics or enhancement of respect ful restraint so long as their son is content to stay tied to their strings. (He wants them to pay for the wedding and is bowing to the wedding they want). It’s equally unrealistic to expect him to cut those strings when he is their employee in the family business. He is not just too close or too dependent (both are true) his life is one big entanglement with them and you are tugging on the strings. You need to step back and look this with a larger lens. Do you want to live a life tied to these strings that will only get stronger and more tangled with time, so long as he is looped in with the family business wih his controlling parents? Financial decisions, home purchases, vacations, holidays, kids: religious choices, birthdays, schools, discipline decisions…..It goes on and on. You are contemplating marrying a marionette. Do you want swing around the stage while that marionette dances to his parents’ dictates? I see a painful divorce with you up against not just him, but his parents and their deep pockets. Very few women are content to marry a marionette. They become a marionette too and dance with him, content to sacrifice freedom for the umbrella safety that the parents and their overbearing steering and financial control provide. I don’t think that’s the life you want, by the sound of your posts. You’re mad at your future in-laws when really their son is not who you want him to be. First off: he’s not *your* fiance, he’s *their* son. Do you want to marry into that dynamic?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors