- 11 months ago
New to this, so do appreciate any assistance I can get!
I generally have had a really good relationship with my Mother-In-Law to be, and we have always gotten on – I really do like her and appreciate her as she has always made a big effort and been very welcoming.
HOWEVER – with wedding planning tensions have risen and I’m really feeling quite put out about something I wanted to share.
1) Guestlist: Our parents essentially are splitting the cost of the wedding (I am also contributing financially). I am very grateful for this. I didn’t want a huge big wedding and would have liked something around 130 people. I knew this wouldn’t be doable at all, based on the size of our families and my fiance and I’s guest list.. so we found an alternative venue for up to 170 people. My parents agreed that they would cut down their guest list to make sure I could have the smaller wedding I wanted. The other side have not really acquiesed and still complained that it was too small and they couldn’t cut their list any further. This means we have to go for a 200 person capacity venue, which in our large city means the options became pretty slim, and not particularly nice.
While future parents-in-law have agreed to pay extra for the cost of their guests, they think that by paying means everything is OK without considering how I feel about walking into a room of 200 people – a huge proportion of which, I don’t know and haven’t met.
As my fiance is in ‘family business’ he isn’t really in a position to complain about his parents guests as he claims he has a working relationship with a lot of these people, so I really feel on my own about this – and that my feelings in regards to the wedding day have been overlooked. This isn’t just about money and paying extra for the guests, it’s about the wedding in itself – and i feel that my new parents in law think that by offering more money, everything is OK.
What this has meant is that we have had to find an alternative venue with an ENORMOUS rental fee (£20,000 not including our caterer) – so this pushes the cost of the wedding up/ budget wasted on venue by having to do this. I have pro-rata’d the room out to split the rental cost per head to make this more fair, as we wouldn’t have been having to pay this without their numbers – but still, regardless if they are paying more based on my calculations, it’s still caused a strain on the budget as we have additional costs to factor in.
My parents are not willing to pay over the odds for a wedding, which is totally understandable and I’m just grateful they are giving anything at all. What my parents are paying is bang on accurate for the number of guests we have, and ALSO covers extra costs associated with all of the additional guests we now have. Because of the above, parents in law have taken it upon themselves to remind me/ discuss how much more they think they are paying towards this wedding (also overestimating my budget by a further £30,000 despite the fact I have a full excel with the breakdown of costs which is nowhere near the sums they are suggesting they will be paying.) I’m not sure why they think all of my calculations/work on the budget and suppliers and vendors is inaccurate, since I’m the one dealing with most of the wedding expenses and getting the quotes etc… but it’s been bothering me that because they are paying extra now (due to their extra guests, no other reason they would need to) – they maybe feel like they have more input/control over the wedding.
Secondly, and lastly – we had a run in the other day, when the caterer my fiance’s parents had selected (they worked with him once about 20 years ago) pulled out of our wedding. Just to note – the caterer had gone bust during lockdown, but had apparently agreed to do our wedding based on negotiations with parents in law. Prior to our official meeting with him I sent a really nice email asking whether he was OK for me hold some charger plates to be used for the wedding (unfortunately when you have 200 guests, finding caterers that can actually supply these things means I have to start securing them very early on.) I was super courteous, complimentary and just simply asked his advice/opinion on what he thought was best to do.
This culminated with an email from caterer to my father in law to be explaining he didn’t think he would be able to do the wedding but he would let us know later on after the weekend (I guess he realised the extent of our guest list/ what we were going for and just didn’t have the capability to work with us.)
For some reason, future parents in law took his message as some kind of suggestion that I had offended their caterer?? (I know, it sounds bizarre) – and so didn’t mention anything to me upon his first message on the Friday ( I was with them on the Friday and Saturday.) By Sunday, we got an angry phonecall where I was told I had really offended their caterer, I never should have contacted him and that they were both really upset with me for what I did.
Please note that neither parent had seen my email, nor had either of them asked to see it – they just went full steam into me as if I had deliberately sabotaged or been rude to their caterer without a though to their help with suggesting them etc etc.
I would totally understand if I gave future parents in law any inkling that I could behave that way, however I have always made every effort to be super respectful, polite and not step on anyones toes. Furthermore, i’ve even assisted them with issues they have had with business etc by responding to emails and making things right where things had been misconstrued – so the idea that I would be capable of sending an offensive to email shouldn’t even have been a question.
I know that both parents in law have their own stresses going on at the moment (which makes it even more important for me to make sure we aren’t going overboard with the wedding and I’m handling all the boring extra parts/getting quotes to keep the budget fair and even.) I would TOTALLY understand if they had simply just yelled, or had a bit of a vent or been irritated about something else.
What is really bothering me, is this presumption that I would deliberately be rude to anyone – the fact it was kept from me for a couple of days – and without seeing the evidence decided that they would take what some caterer, that they used once 20 years ago, would say as verbatum. I eventually saw the messages and there was nothing to say I was rude to them – they just jumped to conclusions as to why he wouldn’t do the wedding, and PRESUMED I had offended him – which is even worse.
I’m really struggling here, as it’s not just someone being stressed out – this feels really personal, and that deep down they expect that kind of behaviour from me? (Honestly I would REALLY understand if I had ever been difficult in the past.)
I now feel really uncomfortable being around them at the moment – so I’m keeping a bit of a distance. Mother-In-Law to be has apologised, but I don’t know if that is because my fiance has spoken to her, and I’m not sure she really understands what I’m upset about.
I have so much to do on this wedding and the whole situation with everything included has really put me out – and made me want to step back from getting involved. Poor fiancee is worried i don’t want to marry him – which is the furthest thing from the truth, but I’m feeling so desperately depressed and horrible about the whole thing now I don’t know how to handle anything going forward.
Anyone that has been in a similar situation, I would so appreciate input/words of advice.