(Closed) Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

… we’re only getting the one side of things, but unless you’re reporting incorrectly, this doesn’t sound good. Like, at all. 🙁 After a few paragraphs, I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach and it only got worse. I’d sit him down and push him for answers. Why is he going in earlier for work and coming home later? Why is angry with you for asking? Why doesn’t he answer your texts or calls? Why doesn’t he want to move anymore? These are all things that are not accusing him of cheating (emotionally or physically), they are just things you deserve answers to. But I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s more going on. Honestly, at some point, if he wasn’t giving me straight answers, was being vague, getting angry when I asked, etc. I’d be tempted to get more serious about figuring out what’s going on. Getting into his phone, email, facebook. Talking to the girl, talking to his friends. I don’t know what I’d do, but I’d be sure to get to the bottom of this. Too much sketchy behavior. And her comment about “don’t be worried, he talks about you ALL the time” sounds like a clear jab to make you seem out-of-the-loop. And her comments about you calling him weird things. And reaching out to him socially all the time. She’s trying to establish herself as being closer to him than you are, and it sounds like it’s working 🙁 I’m so sorry, I hope it’s not true for your sake, but I think you need to investigate ASAP. 

Post # 3
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

Ok, so I read the whole thing (damn, ha) and I have to say I would be worried, too. If there was just one incident, like say the poker one OR the christmas party OR the not knowing that he is married I wouldn’t be worried, but the sum of it all makes it indeed suspicious. As an outsider it sounds like he was flirting with her (lead her on) and never told her that he is married, she finally found out and got pissed at him and treated you weirdly because of that, but then your husband smoothed thIngs out with her-whatever that means.

That doesn’t mean this actually happened—> I don’t want to scare you-but this is how I would interpret it as an outsider.

You didn’t really mention if you have talked to him about the whole thing (the sum of ALL those incidents), but that is definitely what I would do. It seems like you brush a lot of things off, but I would be worried. The most upsetting to me would be that he didn’t mention he is married! How is that even possible if he wore a ring? How come this never came up during poker night, or from his colleagues, that he is apparently close to. And why would she even care? You have to confront him and ask him about all those things that happened recently. I can’t really give more advice than that, hope everything works out though! Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Unfortunately, I have to agree with everything that LoveMyBrit just said. You recounted many different ways that he seems to be distancing himself, and that is worrisome. I don’t think you are overreacting or just being hormonal. It’s really time to sit down and try to talk about all of this as calmly as you can.

Post # 5
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Uh I would say you better talk to him fast, because I would say after everything you wrote he is having an affair with her big time. 

Post # 6
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Honestly this seems like one of those situations where everything on it’s own can be explained away but put together it looks shady and likely that something may be going on between your husband and the girl at work 🙁 You’re not just being silly, anyone would be concerned, and you’re definitely justified bringing it up and/or doing some more investigation. 

Post # 7
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

Tappity1:  I didn’t really the tail end, but this needs to stop.  This chick reminds me a of a chick my Darling Husband worked with, however, he was not interested in her at all, and she kept pushing herself on him (literally, one time she slapped his butt), and in our lives.  He shut her down quickly and had to become rude to her and she still tried.  Some chicks are like that.  I would definitely try to move because she clearly is either getting positive feedback from your husband or she just isn’t getting the message and is getting too close to the situation.

Post # 8
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hmmmm, I’m seeing some red flags here that would have me feeling worried too. I’m also a pretty big believer in a woman’s intuition.

The biggest problems to me are that he suddenly has a lock on his phone that you don’t know the code to, he didn’t mention he was married (makes me wonder if he is/was taking his ring off at work), he’s texting this girl socially, and he’s leaving early and coming home late without telling you where he is or why he’s late.

I think it’s really time to discuss what’s going on in your marriage.

Post # 9
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PPs. I would talk to him about your concerns in a calm and non-accusatory tone. If he is unwilling and brushes it off..dig deeper and do some PI work on your own. If your sixth sense pinged you, there is a reason. Without concrete evidence you can’t accuse him of anything but please keep your eyes wide open. 

Post # 10
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This is super shady. I always say go with your gut (your gut is the nagging feeling that makes your heart flutter and your stomach turn in knots. It’s different than paranoia). I think something is up and you need to put a stop to it. I found out the hard way: there is a difference between being controlling and being a doormat. Controlling would be if you told him he couldn’t be friends with any girls. Being a doormat is thinking it’s controlling to tell him to knock off something inappropriate. I let a guy talk to a girl AFTER I found out they were having a two year long emotional affair, just because I didn’t want to be controlling. Lookin back, I see how silly that was. Obviously theh have to work together for now, but I’d tell him he needs to limit contact to work-related things only. No texting on the weekend a whilst you two cuddle on the couch.  I’d also tell him you’re moving…with or without him. If he chooses to stay for her, take it as you dodged a bullet.  

Post # 11
Member
11531 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Ugh bee,this doesn’t sound good. My heart started sinking at the christmas party scene. The flirting and her jealousy.

sure, you dont have evidence of cheating, but you do have evidence that he has become secretive and contemptuous of your feelings Re his being late and this woman treating you poorly. That’s enough to raise a concern.

Post # 12
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I started reading this and I picked up on the ‘there is something wrong here’ way before I got to the end. I think you need to have a frank and honest conversation ASAP. I feel horrible that you are in this situation of even having to ask; but you need to trust your instincts. The warning bells are going off in your head for a reason. 

Post # 13
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

I consider myself very VERY open minded and relaxed when It comes to my partners and ex girlfriends, other women etc. I normally don’t get jealous at all. But this doesn’t look good. At all. You are being way more than reasonable. You are letting him be inconsiderate to you. If the other girl is a problem, so is or at least for me, letting me waiting and coming to pick me up TWO hours later. Coming home and not even having called to inform he’ll be late. Just out of consideration for his wife. That for me is not acceptable. And more than asking questions, I’d be telling him, VERY firmly that I am not willing to put up with that sh*t. I know maybe it’s not in your nature OP. But you don’t need to feel as if you are Walking on eggshells and afraid to piss him off. What about you, your feelings and needs? He is just brushing them off. And of course, this is just your side. But honestly this doesn’t sound any good. I’d prepare myself to make my mind to decide if I’d stay or if I’d leave if I discover he is having an affair and look at what the next steps would be for me. Not pretty to think, but having been there, I can tell you that it’s best to think about it and have your options than be caught off guard. So sorry you are having these feelings and dealing with this. i wish the best for your family

Post # 14
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

Tappity1:  It sure seems like something is going on between him and this girl at work. It would explain everything. This is a lot of different things and the way he has reacted to you and treated you makes me feel pretty certain that something is happening. 

Post # 15
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I read through the whole thing and I gotta say that I’d be super worried if I were in your shoes too. Even if he isn’t having a full blown affair with her, their relationship has crossed the line and is inappropriate in my opinion. I don’t mind my Fiance being friends with women, but if one was flat out flirting with him and didn’t know we were in a relationship, AND he was coming home a few hours late with no accounting for his time gone, I would suspect that something was up.

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