- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
Hey Bees, just looking for some analysis. I’m PMSing atm actually, so maybe I’m just feeling a little more paranoid than usual anyway.
For about 9 months there has been this girl working with my DH. I didn’t know anything about her until a poker night at one of my DH’s colleagues house last year not long after she joined the company. It was meant to be a guys night, but she apparently invited herself along. Seemed a bit odd as she had only been working with these guys a couple of weeks at this point, whereas they’ve all worked together for years, plus it was a “guys night”. No biggie I guess.
My DH was given the task of picking her up and dropping her home again, which I didn’t know about until after. I had wondered why my DH had been soooo eager to clean his car out that day whereas normally he leaves it until it’s unbearable lol. I kind of see now that maybe it was because he knew he would be taking her, but I just brushed it off as he didn’t want to look slobby in front of someone he didn’t know very well. Still could be the case anyway.
The first time there was an uneasy feeling for me was a couple of months later when I couldn’t get hold of my DH on his mobile, so called his work (it was urgent, I don’t normally call him at work at all or even call/text his mobile either). This girl answered and I asked to be put through to (DH’s name). The girl asked me who was speaking and I said “It’s his wife”. She asked me to repeat myself in a shocked tone, so I did. Then she sort of said “Oh” and hesitated and then put me through. It felt a bit weird so I asked my husband about it and he said “Yeah she didn’t know I was married”. I suppose admittedly I felt a little hurt by this. Why would people in his very small office – and who he has been out with socially and given lifts to – not even know I existed? DH brushed it off as he doesn’t really talk about personal stuff there, which I guess I accepted and then moved on. He wears a wedding ring so I assume he’s not actively hiding me? He’s left it in the bathroom a few times but is that so unusual?
I suppose looking back now there are some things that now I question. One time when DH was doing some social walk/barbecue thing with his colleagues and he was supposed to pick me up when he was done and go out to eat. He didn’t let me know he was running late, I contacted him when he was already 15 minutes late to see where he was and he was very vague. He eventually turned up 2 hours late and didn’t seem at all bothered by that. I was pretty mad at him for that, but didn’t associate it with this girl at the time and maybe it’s a bit unresonable to now in all honesty.
Late last year I had to call his work again as he had my bank card with him and I needed him to give me the number to make a payment. Again this girl answered and when I asked to speak to my DH by his name, she made a big point of “not knowing who I meant” and then made a remark to him about “Why does your wife call you that?” when it’s his name. He is apparently known by a shortened version of his real name at work. Neither myself or any of his long term friends call him by that name, we either use his long term nickname or his actual name. Again, no biggie I guess, just seemed a bit petty and by now both times I have spoken to her I have found her to act weirdly.
At Christmas there was a party for his company that I was invited to. Obviously this was the first time I would meet this girl. I wasn’t sure if I was paranoid but when she entered I felt like she shot me a dirty look then turned away. I shrugged it off. DH however got weirdly excited to see she was there and was saying “Look it’s (girl’s name)! Let’s go and say hi to her!” When he didn’t seem overly bothered about speaking to anyone else. Then he tried really hard to attract her attention, calling her but she seemed to blank him. It was odd.
When we sat down for the meal she was on the table behind us. Things got really bizarre. Although our backs were to her back, her and DH started being silly and firing party poppers at each other. I didn’t think much of it, only that he seemed to only want to play this game with her and none of his other work colleagues. I just assumed maybe he knew other people wouldn’t like it. She still hadn’t acknowledged me at this point. When DH left to go to the toilet, she fired a party popper right at my head. When I turned around to look she had this exaggerated smile and said “Merry Christmas!” in silly voice.
Things then seemed to be getting thrown from that table and hitting me. I can’t say for sure it was her as I couldn’t see and didn’t want to turn around as I felt uncomfortable. But I heard her say “Oh it’s only (DH’s name) missus”. My husband actually overheard this when he came back and made a joke like “She has got a name”, (yet he apparently doesn’t remember that now which I don’t understand). It’s funny as when my husband returned she suddenly started acting sickly sweet and introducing herself. She even said “Oh you have nothing to worry about (DH) talks about you ALL the time!” Not only did it sound false, and seem like a very odd thing to say – why would she think I was worried? – but i know that’s not true when she didn’t even know we were married for ages. Plus everything about her was just so….off. Acting one way in front of DH and another when I was alone.
I talked to DH but he didn’t seem to think it was all that bad. He did suggest that she had become a bit jealous as he had several Christmas gifts for me mailed to his work. At least one of the gift’s she very much liked and had mentioned feeling upset that her boyfriend wasn’t making much of an effort for Christmas for her. Admittedly this year, DH made a real big deal of presents at Christmas, mostly because he’s never really been able to before and if they were being mailed to his work/sat on his desk maybe it was a little bit of a sore point if her boyfriend was unable to this year.
Today I found out she has DH’s number and texts him a lot socially. I knew he had her on facebook (I remember when she sent him a request as he told me about it and said he was reluctant as she was “nosy”, but I told him it might seem rude not to when he has most other colleagues on there). I had no idea she had his number. I would kind of understand taking a work colleagues number for certain things, but my DH never gives his number out socially to anyone normally anyway, plus it’s not work related when she’s been texting on a Sunday night (they don’t work weekends). DH says it’s just “office gossip” – but wouldn’t facebook messages be better for that when he doesn’t normally give out his number AND, might I add NEVER texts me or his family/friends back – they all usually contact ME as he hasn’t replied to them! I can never get hold of him myself either lol.
I feel a bit weird about her kind of coming into my personal space through the medium of text in our personal/home life (I know that sounds dramatic sorry lol), especially after she was pretty rude/weird towards me – something he defends her over and says he has to be nice as he works with her. I did say I felt he could be nice at work but not get into social texting, seeing how she acted at the party towards me. But I think he thinks I’m just being bitchy.
I suppose there are some things to things to add – he put a lock on his phone a while back. I never go through his phone anyway, but sometimes I used to use it to call mine when I couldn’t find it and discovered the lock screen. He never really explained why and I didn’t push it. I haven’t looked at their texts. I only know what he’s told me – she wanted office gossip, another time he was “helping her skive” and another time they were discussing the fact he might be leaving soon.
DH for a while started doing some strange settings on facebook – he seemed to have work colleagues in a different group to everyone else. I thought this was odd as some of those guys he is close to and had at our wedding, so why would they need to be on this separate setting? But it seems to be so the rest of us couldn’t see anything he posted on that setting or see things they had tagged him in if that made sense. I only noticed because after his poker night, one of his colleagues who I am fb friends with posted about it and made a funny joke. When I went back to look at it/show DH by looking on his timeline it wasn’t there! Yet it was on the colleagues timeline and DH was tagged. They also couldn’t see things the rest of us tagged him in. He has apparently taken those settings off now though and claimed it was to try to keep work/personal life separate. Just some of those people are good friends so I don’t understand it.
Since Christmas DH has been coming home an hour or more later than usual. The first time he did this it was without telling me he was going to be late. He got angry with me for asking why he hadn’t let me know he would be late. He’s also going in to work earlier each day and occasionally goes in for overtime on Saturday. I may be reading too much nto this however, I am sure he is busy.
His sister even kind of implied she thought something was off. She asked me a lot of questions about why I can never get hold of him (she contacted me to try to reach him as she’d been trying for days) and at the time he was out and I didn’t know where so she was asking how long he’d been doing that and why he doesn’t even pick up the phone to me or text me back. I didn’t really know how to answer her.
Finally, we have discussed moving to a different area for a long time now. Recently DH has become very reluctant and I really don’t understand why. He isn’t especially happy here and he knows I’m very unhappy myself. He was very into this idea before so I don’t know what’s changed and he won’t give me solid answers. Bees can i have your honest analysis of this please? If you think I’m being silly and hormonal I’d rather you just say so. I can take it. I would rather that then either blow up at DH unnecessarily or make something out of nothing and for him to be upset. What do you all think about this?