(Closed) Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 166
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

anonbee8213:  She’s childish and he’s overwhelmed? Give me a fucking break. He’s cheating on her. She shouldn’t dance around his poor widdle feelings like SHE did something wrong!

Post # 167
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t believe you can get trust back after its been broken.

You gave your husband your heart and trusted him with it, he acted (and continues to act) in a way that makes you question his character and your marriage. You may be ok with his answers but those wouldn’t pacify me.. Not even for a second. The person you share your life with shouldn’t disrespect you like that.

If you intend to continue in this relationship, I think its worthwhile to evaluate why you think you deserve someone so shitty..

Post # 168
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

OP, I don’t buy his story at all.  Maybe I’m projecting my own feelings on your situation because I was cheated on, but it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything really to put your mind at ease and make you feel special or cherished.

I’m not a psychologist, but it sound like your guy is a wuss.  He’s so afraid of making things uncomfortable with his coworkers (his excuse for being nice to this girl to begin with) that he feels “powerless” around them.  He needs to feel “powerful” somewhere so he takes it out on you, making you feel like the idiotic, crazy wife.  He’s “emotionally distant” to you, but he’s not to her!

No one deserves this crap.  I’m so glad you said something to him but it sounds like he’s just talking to placate you.  He’s telling you what you want to hear.  Don’t let your guard up at all because I think there’s a lot more to this story.

Post # 170
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Ugh reading this made my stomach hurt. This whole thing doesn’t sound good at all 🙁 if it were me I’d MAKE my SO sit down with me and we’d hash it out until it was settled, but that’s just the kind’ve girl I am. 

I wish you luck! ((((Hugs!!!))))

Post # 172
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

Tappity1: I’m going to go against the grain and say that I think yourc onversation with Darling Husband sounds promising and that if he holds true to what he says you guysw ill bej ust fine. Good luck!

Post # 173
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Tappity1:  I don’t think you want to hear the truth or have to make decisions. I think you are so afraid of rocking the boat that you will simply accept whatever he tells you. None of his stories added up and the fact that he had a convenient explanation for every single thing is worrisome. You said so yourself that ever since this girl has been around, that he has acted differently- there is a reason for that- and it’s because he is, otherwise you wouldn’t have been feeling the way you were about her and she would have no reason to be nasty to you.

He is more concerned with how people at work will act around him and about this girl’s feelings than that of his wife.

He is emotionally and physically distant towards you and quite frankly, very disrespectful. I’m not buying any of his explanations or excuses- and I don’t think you are either but you are afraid to acknowledge that fact.

Ultimately, this is your choice to make, but I wouldn’t let ANYONE treat me the way you’ve been treated by him or this girl from work- and then allow them to make me feel like I was the one with the problem.

Post # 174
Member
830 posts
Busy bee

Tappity1:  I know you are going through so much, but don’t forget to protect yourself from Save-The-Date Cards. If that coworker is as devious as she appears, I wouldn’t put the risk past you.

Post # 175
Member
12125 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Tappity1:  

“In some ways I half think perhaps I am over upestting myself reading it all, which is also why I don’t want to start over invenstigating – not that I’m afraid of what I might find but that I’m afraid I might find things that AREN’T really there or something.”

I think this is just another way of saying that you are afraid of what you might find out. I would not worry about overinterpreting, just the opposite.  Worry about what to make of any information that you find once you cross that bridge. 

 

Post # 176
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

The first thing that pops out is the lock on the phone. There is no reason to have a lock on your phone. If he attributes it to worrying about the phone being stolen or something similar to that, he can give you the password. This isn’t for snooping purposes, it’s for piece of mind. As for this girl, she needs to back off. She has no reason to be texting your husband.

Post # 177
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

I just want to point out something about phone passcodes, not really for this situation but in general. 

There CAN BE a good reason to have a phone passcode. Every workplace I’ve worked at that uses a Microsoft Exchange Server for their emails, the process to get the emails onto my phone has required me to put a passcode on my phone. I hate it, it’s a pain in the arse, but it is a valid reason to have one. 

I would say there’s no reason to have a SECRET passcode on your phone. I have one for the above reason, but its a really easy one (a digit repeated four times, like 1111) and Darling Husband knows what it is. I think that is the important part. 

Post # 178
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jmarie5890:  I hear you!

Tappity1:  my fiance and I have the same pattern lock on our phone. Keeps others out but not each other.. if he wants to keep you out of his phone, there is a reason. Sorry.

Post # 179
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Tappity1: There really is no such thing as gaslighting yourself. The fact that you say that makes me worry at how deeply you’ve been manipulated by this man. At the very least, get yourself a great therapist to help safeguard you against abuse.

I don’t know quite what to make of his responses. I mean, it’s good that he’s acknowledging that he messed up on multiple occasions. 

I said this before, but I truly think the way you will know whether this guy is in it for the long haul with you is by demanding more of him. He needs to show up emotionally for you, to be generous and kind to you, to demonstrate his love through action. If he can’t manage that, then kick him to the curb regardless of whether he’s sleeping with the office lady. 

Post # 180
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee

Tappity1:  The responses to your posts are proof positive that you are not crazy nor are you imagining things. He had an answer for everything yet it’s still not sitting right with you. As another poster mentioned, you cannot gaslight yourself. His answers (excuses) have seemingly made you feel silly and perhaps like you’ve read too much into things (this is what I’m getting from your most recent response). Inadvertent or purposeful, this crazy-making behavior is still a form of gaslighting. You know what you saw and how you felt about it. You are entitled to your perceptions whereas they are 100% of the rule. You have very good cause to feel insecure about your place in his life. Divorce may not be an option right now and may not even be necessary. But what is necessary is coming to terms with exactly what you want, how you want it, and whether or not your current relationship and husband can provide that. The stronger and more sure you are of yourself, the easier you will be able to make the best decisions for you. Decide what’s acceptable and what’s not and have the courage of your convictions. He won’t respect you if you don’t. If you want that phone code….ask for it and accept nothing less. If you want him to cease and desist all relations with that idiot, demand it. If you want more consideration, ask. But be prepared to follow through with consequences if he falls short of your terms and needs for a healthy marriage, whatever those may be. Otherwise, you will be doomed to repeat this cycle of insecurity, mistrust and feeling like “less than.” Put yourself first, know yourself and then you’ll be living the truth.  

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