(Closed) Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 286
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

K.bee:  it doesn’t sound like aspergers.  Those people have empathy, don’t anger easily and are afraid of social interactions.  This guy sounds more like a narcissist personality disorder type.  I should know because I was engaged to someone who acted just like this.

edit: yes, aspergers people have a hard time reading faces, but if you tell them that they upset you, they feel bad.  This guy doesn’t listen to what she says, not just her facial expressions.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Profile Photo Annonnie89.
Post # 287
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

Sigh, just no.

Post # 288
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee

OP reading your updates describing your husband reminded me a lot of my father.  Just like your Darling Husband my dad’s first real girlfriend and sexual experience was my mother.  He worked in the IT field and throughout my entire childhood my father had a lot of secrets and kept ALL of his electronics (including his TV) and office locked.  It was like getting into Fort Knox and his reasoning was he HATES other people touching his things and messing with anything that belongs to him.  My mom’s personality is very similar to yours in that she is very passive and laidback about most things so even when my father typical response to all of us would be to bark and flatout refuse to answer any questions, my mom would always let it go because just like you, she assumed that perhaps she made it to be more than it realy was.

My father was not an easy man to live with.  But the BIG difference between him and your Darling Husband is, my father ALWAYS gave my mother ALL of his passwords, copies of his keys (he locked up everything), and even though my father hated it my mother still had the freedom and ability to go through ALL his stuff whenever she wanted to (which she didn’t).  There was maybe one or two times when my mother got really upset at my father, and when he knew she meant business he immediately surrendered and gave everything up to my mother for her inspection.  No Questions Asked and he never ever told her she was crazy or that she was seeing things (and trust me my father is not the most sensitive person when it comes to feelings).

The point I’m trying to make is, in your updates you keep inadvertantly justifying your DH’s unacceptable behavior by attributing it to his “personality” and that he’s just that way.  But even if your Darling Husband has a difficult personality that’s prone to weirdness and secrets like my father, it still does NOT excuse him from keeping secrets from you and banning access to his personal effects.  You are his WIFE and as such, you automatically have every right to have full access to all his stuff anytime you want.  

Stop questioning yourself and how awful you feel.  Your feelings will point you to the truth over anything your brain will tell you.  Please know that you are NOT seeing things and you are not emotionally crazy.  The secrets your Darling Husband keeps, esp the locking of his phone and refusal to tell you the passcode, are all completely unacceptable behavior in a married relationship.  

Post # 289
Member
552 posts
Busy bee

Annonnie89:  yeah i see your point my amazing wonderful brother has asbergers and does have empathy.to a degree but will also get agitated easily and will not let any one touch his fone/stuff has locks on everything etc..like i said im not trying to excuse behaviour or make waves it was just a thought with some of the things in op’s post made me think thats all…

Post # 290
Member
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

K.bee:i just find it hard to believe that someone could behave that way without there being somthing more behind it” — You have a hard time believing some people are just assholes?

Sure, it’s possible, but it’s really MUCH more likely he’s cheating. Why would Asperger’s cause someone to hide a rando chick’s phone number under his sister’s name? It wouldn’t. In fact, that’s pretty much the opposite of what someone with Asperger’s would do.

Post # 291
Member
552 posts
Busy bee

Daisy_Mae:  i totally get what you are saying i do..and im not making excuses for this man whatsoever …it was just a thought!!…

sidenote ..my darling brother hides things all the time and is quite sneaky in his approach ..

 

Post # 292
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

K.bee:  and I see your point, too.  I’ve known people with aspergers who acted “suspicious” as well.  Neither one of us can diagnose this guy.  

The bigger issue is that random strangers are seeing something very wrong with his behavior to the point where we think he has some sort of illness. And yet the OP isn’t ready to accept that she has some tough choices in front of her.  I hope she has the strength to deal with their issues.

Post # 293
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Get off this thread and get back in to real life.

What is the real problem? That you don’t feel like you spend enough time together? That you don’t feel valued and appreciated? That you feel like he puts work and coworkers before you? That his behaviour towards you/the coworker makes you feel insecure and unloved? That’s it gotten to a point where you suspect he’s cheating?

Identify the problem.  Tell him what the problem is.  Figure out together how to fix this.  Observe the effort he puts in to fixing this.  If that includes him opening up his phone/email/facebook in front of you to reassure you, so be it.  I know you don’t want to sit down with your husband and tell him what you need because it’s difficult and scary and messy – but that’s what needs to be done.    

Post # 294
Member
552 posts
Busy bee

Annonnie89:  yes this +100 you are absolutley right ..

Post # 295
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think a lot of people are wasting their time giving the OP advice that she clearly isn’t going to take. Nearly every person in this thread has said they believe he’s cheating, or at the very least, a deceptive asshole. The OP’s Darling Husband has an excuse for everything, and people to operate like him always DO have an excuse – because they’ve thought of them before even doing anything shady. Likewise, the OP makes excuse after excuse for her Darling Husband…so she’s just as bad as he is.

Tappity1:  What do you plan to get out this whole situation?? Sorry to be blunt, but you’ve gotten a lot of useful advice on how to handle it, yet you make up nothing but excuses against them? You can either take the advice to make him hand his phone over (as soon as he gets home, with no warning) and require his password to look through, or you can live with the fact that this is how it will always continue to be.

Post # 296
Member
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

canadajane:  She’s already talked to him before. He gaslights her. He makes her feel like SHE’S the problem, like she’s crazy for being suspicious, when 99.999994% of respondents on this thread agree she’s actually not being suspicious enough. Dude’s cheating. That’s the problem.

Post # 297
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Tappity1:  Yep… when I was having an affair with a married man, calling me in front of his wife asking who I was is exactly the kind of thing he would do. And what was I supposed to say in that situation other than ”It doesn’t matter…”  

I don’t know what to advise you other than to ask him for his phone password and if he won’t give it to you then and there then tell him you seriously distrust him and think about leaving.

Post # 298
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

amanda3334455:  not to call you out, but how did you justify to yourself that it was okay to have an affair with a married man?

Did he tell you she was awful or crazy?  Did he tell you he was stuck in the marriage?  Did you ever feel sorry for her?  Or did you just not care?

I’m curious what goes on in the mind of the other woman.  Plus, it will probably be helpful for the OP to hear.

Post # 299
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

OP, I think canadajane:  is right. Probably time to get off this thread.

I feel like some are egging you on. They tell you to snoop (though I would have said the same) but when you do they use that to say ‘well you’re trying to snoop so it doesn’t matter now what you find there’s no trust’. Some are SO SURE he’s cheating, but they can’t really know that. 

The nature of a post like this is now we all are waiting for the outcome, we want to know how it ends, like a good book. But life and relationships are more complicated than that. If you are going to stay with him and sort through it all, it will take time and there won’t be an outcome so soon. 

As everyone has said, trust yourself more. If you think he’s suss, don’t let him wiggle out of things. But conversely, if you are satisfied (truly, don’t kid yourself) trust that too and don’t let everyone here push you down the rabbit hole. 

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