(Closed) Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 301
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Let me ask you–if you got a random call or text from someone you didn’t know, would you 1) ignore it 2) save the number 3) save the number under a relative’s name? 

SO WEIRD!!!

Post # 302
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

OP,  I have to be blunt–I am not getting why you need to snoop and dig out solid proof of actual cheating in order to tell your husband that you have nagging doubts and he needs to put them to rest, pronto. Your doubts ARE ENOUGH proof that something is not working. Period. Sorry, but that kind of honest communication is crucial to making a marriage work.

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  hyacinthblue.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  hyacinthblue.
Post # 303
Member
11536 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

But I think you’re focused on cheating proof when it doesn’t even matter anymore. He doesn’t show care for your feelings and that is enough.

it doesn’t matter what you find on the phone. You feel like crap. That is what matters.

 

you should feel loved, adored, and secure, even even when you have  disagreements.

Post # 304
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

Tappity1:  I understand how you feel as I have been there in the past.

IF you do find anything..just be mentally prepared for it. I’d take screenshots of whatever you may find and email them to yourself (and of course deleted all trace) in case he comes back with “you’re crazy” and deletes everything.

In any case, I am sorry you are going through this tough situation. 

Post # 305
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

Tinatiny1:  I would favorite this 100 times and highlight it in red if I could.

Post # 306
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Tinatiny1:  I agree!  All this effort for the phone is ridiculous.  He’s probably erased all the evidence. Or he could have a different phone that the OP doesn’t even know about, or a second SIM card.

I’m surprised that so many posters think that the phone holds all the answers when the real answer is that OP does not feel sade and secure in her marriage.  PERIOD.

Post # 307
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

Tinatiny1:  +100000000000000000000000000 you are so right

Post # 308
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t blame you for wanting solid proof. He can try to make you think you’re crazy and that your feelings and hunches aren’t warranted. You could end up leaving him and second guessing yourself and thinking he’ll change.

If I were you I’d rather be able to say “I found out he was cheating on me with these emails to a girl” (or whatever) than to say “X, Y, Z seemed shady and this is how I interpreted A, B, and C…”

I’m not in your situation so it’s hard to say what I’d do, but I just want to let you know I get it – whatever approach you feel you need to take.

Post # 309
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

OP, I get you too. 

Post # 311
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Tappity1:  I fully understand how you feel, but sometimes the circumstantial evidence is enough. There was no DNA tying Scott Peterson to Lacey’s murder, but he’s still on death row.

If your husband were on trial for cheating, the weddingbees would convict him with or without the phone.  You’ve already said enough about his shady behavior.  

Be prepared to think you’re paranoid all over again, he’s probably erased everything.  He’s one step ahead of you because you are a decent and honest person and he’s up to something.

And while we’re speaking about the Petersons, it came out at trial that Scott had numerous affairs, but Lacey only suspected one.  She got pregnant with his baby anyway.  And then he murdered her and the fetus.  I’m sure that she wanted to block out reality, too.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Profile Photo Annonnie89.
Post # 312
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Dude your husbands cheated most likely multiple times with multiple people. He is shadier than a shade tree under an umbrella.

Post # 313
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I can’t imagine how scary it would be to wonder if your husband is cheating on you (and maybe worse, having a bunch of people on the internet try to confirm your worst fears). I don’t have anything else to add as far as advice, except… I hope you get through this. You deserve the best.

Post # 314
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

Tappity1:  I disagree with PPs that he definitely is physically cheating, etc. I still think it’s possible that he tends to fudge things and is generally bad at communicating – and that you condone that behavior and just let things stay ambiguous and slide, and that must be difficult to change after many years together. Usually this is fine. The problem is, when bad things like this come up where we cannot tolerate any ambiguity, everything goes to shit.  My Fiance used to be like this, and we had to almost do boot-camp type training to get over these issues to be prepared for sensitive things like this.

I think it’s still possible that he is only having an “emotional” affair or just not being careful, being immature and enjoying the attentions and flirtations of a coworker. This is wrong, and you should know about it so it can stop. It might have been the same thing with the saving someone’s number as his sister’s name. But I think it’s still possible that everything else is just because he sucks at knowing what you need to know to feel reassured and comfortable, and he sucks at giving that to you. And to be blunt, you may suck at recognizing how valuable you are and what you deserve from a partner, so all these circumstances have enabled him to continue this way, since there’s no motivation for him to get better. Don’t get me wrong, this is still shady as heck, but it might not be as bad as msformaldehyde:  seems to think. 

In this sense, disrespecting you/poor communication/ambiguity etc and this current issue go hand in hand. They are not things to be dealt with separately. 

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