(Closed) Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 316
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Tappity1:  There are places that do therapy on a sliding scale. Contact a local University if they have a psychology dept or many religious organizations or local community woman’s centers. If you call around, you can find something you can afford. 

Even if he won’t go, you should go for you. Even if he isn’t cheating, you still put up with a lot of disrespect. I think seeing an individual therapist will help you stand up for yourself and will allow you to check in with someone and ask–is this crazy?

Post # 317
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Tappity1:  Yes, you still have grounds to doubt him. No, that doesn’t necessarily mean he is physically cheating. However, if I were you, I would still attempt to use the code you saw earlier today when he is in bed tonight. Knowledge is power.

Post # 318
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

I feel like no guy is just THIS unlucky, and involved in THIS many weird coincidences. 

Post # 319
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

I know you are in a terrible situation, OP. I have been cheated on before myself in a past relationship. I just feel concerned for you in this circumstance after your updates. Here’s why: your focusing on proof of physical cheating and setting aside his lack of respect for you as an issue to deal with later is missing the root of the issue. His lack of respect for you and consideration for you should be the deal breaker. If he has been cheating on you, if he has lied to you or misled you, if he has not defended you to others or protected your heart, it is because he does not treat you with respect. This should concern you deeply and, to me, completely undermines what makes a mutual, committed relationship of two equals who love and trust each other.

Please take care of yourself. Good luck to you in this situation.

Post # 321
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m not usually an advocate of snooping but I can understand why you would want to so you should try the number you might have seen later on tonight if you can. If it doesn’t work what about moving his phone so he goes out without it like he did earlier then while he’s out, if you can contact him and say you’ve found his phone but can’t find yours and what’s his password so you can call your own phone?

Post # 322
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

catki:  this is her husband.  She shouldn’t be plotting on how to get to his phone.  I cannot believe that their relationship has deteriorated this much and she still thinks there’s hope.  This is making me so sad!

Post # 323
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Annonnie89:  You’re right, she shouldn’t be but I can understand why she would not want to make any moves until she has found concrete evidence. This isn’t just a boyfriend, people here are saying she should leave her husband which is a huge life-changing thing and i cant say how I would be in that position because I’ve not been in it but I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t want to walk awayb aw just because people on an internet forum were telling me to, I’m pretty sure I’d want to have something to confront him with and back up ny actions. Yes, she should be confronting his behaviour anyway but she’s tried doing that and he’s. Twisted it round.

Post # 324
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Please let us know how it goes. You’re absolutely right that you can deal with the rest of the trust/disrespect issues later, but at this point you deserve to see for your own eyes what’s been going on between them, and any other approach will give him the chance to delete any evidence. I truly hope that whatever you find helps confirm things one way or another and gives you the peace of mind you need. Good luck! *hugs*

Post # 325
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Tappity1:  I get wanting actual proof, I’m sure (despite all of the speculation made by people- including myself) its hard to come to terms with the fact that the person you married may be cheating on you. But, your marriage has been reduced to you plotting a b&e into his phone while he sleeps. I get the hesitation to jump to conclusions but, at this point.. Your marriage is on the line and you’re both clinging to the fact that he doesn’t like you touching his electronics.. If there’s a chance to alleviate your concerns, he should be jumping at it.

IF your husband isn’t hiding anything, asking him for his password wouldn’t prompt fears about him deleting the hypothetical evidence before you can confirm anything. The fact is this complete and utter shit show is now your marriage and your husband is not being cooperative in helping you know for certain whether or not he’s cheating.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I’m so sad for you and I hope this works out. 

Post # 326
Member
12308 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

For all of you sayng that it doesn’t matter if he’s cheating or not, there are some very good reasons in some countries or states to have proof if it comes down to a separation or divorce. There are still places where fault will directly impact a settlement. That’s why I recommended a secret and typically free initial consultation with a local  attorney to appreciate your legal rights and his, before doing anything rash. Even in community property states, proof of cheating can sometimes give the betrayed spouse a certain amount of leverage when it comes to property settlement, alimony or even compensation for what was spent monetarily on an affair. 

So I think OP is being smart for herself to look for proof, but she should also find out what is legal in terms of snooping. For example a shared phone plan might entitle you to look at text messages, whereas separate plans might not. Know your rights. 

While I admit the thought of Asperger’s occurred to me initially, the secret phone password, the changed Facebook password and settings, the aggressive and bizarre behavior of the co-worker, the shock of her learning  OP is married when he supposedly wears a ring most days, as well as hiding a strange forum woman under a sister’s name and more point to manipulation and full awareness on the part of the H. 

As for the woman, her  games seem designed to make OP come across as paranoid, delusional,  and suspicious, so that she can in turn provide a sympathetic ear to H. IMO very few women act that  boldly and rudely without a lot  of confidence in their own standing as a confidant, or much more. 

 

Post # 327
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s never a good feeling…but the mere fact you’re thinking to snoop…is quite telling. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Post # 329
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m so glad that this eased your fears a bit. I think you should try to talk to him about therapy–yes, it can be expensive, but it’s a lot cheaper than divorce. I wish you the very best and hope that you can find a way to be at peace in your marriage. I think he needs to be less secretive and more open–giving you his passcode and passwords would be a good start. And I think he’ll need to work on his lack of empathy and respect as well. But it sounds like things may not be as bad as you’d feared. Please keep us updated!

Post # 330
Member
5224 posts
Bee Keeper

Tappity1:  Honestly, I think you should just close this thread and move on. All these different opinions are just going to confuse you. To just keep harping on this will either damage your relationship more if he isn’t cheating, or give him fair warning to better cover his tracks if he is. No one on this side of the computer knows for sure what is going on. Just keep your eyes on it.

I reiterate what I said about therapy for you. Even if he isn’t willing to go, it will ultimately end up helping you with communication skills and insecurity. You never know, he may surprise you and go with you eventually.

The topic ‘Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors