Post # 316
Tappity1: There are places that do therapy on a sliding scale. Contact a local University if they have a psychology dept or many religious organizations or local community woman’s centers. If you call around, you can find something you can afford.
Even if he won’t go, you should go for you. Even if he isn’t cheating, you still put up with a lot of disrespect. I think seeing an individual therapist will help you stand up for yourself and will allow you to check in with someone and ask–is this crazy?
Post # 317
Tappity1: Yes, you still have grounds to doubt him. No, that doesn’t necessarily mean he is physically cheating. However, if I were you, I would still attempt to use the code you saw earlier today when he is in bed tonight. Knowledge is power.
Post # 318
I feel like no guy is just THIS unlucky, and involved in THIS many weird coincidences.
Post # 319
I know you are in a terrible situation, OP. I have been cheated on before myself in a past relationship. I just feel concerned for you in this circumstance after your updates. Here’s why: your focusing on proof of physical cheating and setting aside his lack of respect for you as an issue to deal with later is missing the root of the issue. His lack of respect for you and consideration for you should be the deal breaker. If he has been cheating on you, if he has lied to you or misled you, if he has not defended you to others or protected your heart, it is because he does not treat you with respect. This should concern you deeply and, to me, completely undermines what makes a mutual, committed relationship of two equals who love and trust each other.
Please take care of yourself. Good luck to you in this situation.
Post # 320
Timshel: There’s been a space of 3 years between the two “incidents” with the two separate women.
I suppose I don’t think he is physically cheating. I think there has probably been some immature, maybe even inappropriate beahviour from Darling Husband and I am unhapy with the way HE handled this situation tbh. I think he has been disrespectful and has allowed me to be disrespected by someone else also. I don’t think there’s been anything more than that, bur I am not saying that makes it ok cos it doesn’t. I still think this woman WANTS me to believe there are things happening and make me worried. but I’m doubtful there’s much in it.
I WILL look at his phone (if the passcode works) and update.
Post # 321
I’m not usually an advocate of snooping but I can understand why you would want to so you should try the number you might have seen later on tonight if you can. If it doesn’t work what about moving his phone so he goes out without it like he did earlier then while he’s out, if you can contact him and say you’ve found his phone but can’t find yours and what’s his password so you can call your own phone?
Post # 322
catki: this is her husband. She shouldn’t be plotting on how to get to his phone. I cannot believe that their relationship has deteriorated this much and she still thinks there’s hope. This is making me so sad!
Post # 323
Annonnie89: You’re right, she shouldn’t be but I can understand why she would not want to make any moves until she has found concrete evidence. This isn’t just a boyfriend, people here are saying she should leave her husband which is a huge life-changing thing and i cant say how I would be in that position because I’ve not been in it but I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t want to walk awayb aw just because people on an internet forum were telling me to, I’m pretty sure I’d want to have something to confront him with and back up ny actions. Yes, she should be confronting his behaviour anyway but she’s tried doing that and he’s. Twisted it round.
Post # 324
Please let us know how it goes. You’re absolutely right that you can deal with the rest of the trust/disrespect issues later, but at this point you deserve to see for your own eyes what’s been going on between them, and any other approach will give him the chance to delete any evidence. I truly hope that whatever you find helps confirm things one way or another and gives you the peace of mind you need. Good luck! *hugs*
Post # 325
Tappity1: I get wanting actual proof, I’m sure (despite all of the speculation made by people- including myself) its hard to come to terms with the fact that the person you married may be cheating on you. But, your marriage has been reduced to you plotting a b&e into his phone while he sleeps. I get the hesitation to jump to conclusions but, at this point.. Your marriage is on the line and you’re both clinging to the fact that he doesn’t like you touching his electronics.. If there’s a chance to alleviate your concerns, he should be jumping at it.
IF your husband isn’t hiding anything, asking him for his password wouldn’t prompt fears about him deleting the hypothetical evidence before you can confirm anything. The fact is this complete and utter shit show is now your marriage and your husband is not being cooperative in helping you know for certain whether or not he’s cheating.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I’m so sad for you and I hope this works out.
Post # 326
For all of you sayng that it doesn’t matter if he’s cheating or not, there are some very good reasons in some countries or states to have proof if it comes down to a separation or divorce. There are still places where fault will directly impact a settlement. That’s why I recommended a secret and typically free initial consultation with a local attorney to appreciate your legal rights and his, before doing anything rash. Even in community property states, proof of cheating can sometimes give the betrayed spouse a certain amount of leverage when it comes to property settlement, alimony or even compensation for what was spent monetarily on an affair.
So I think OP is being smart for herself to look for proof, but she should also find out what is legal in terms of snooping. For example a shared phone plan might entitle you to look at text messages, whereas separate plans might not. Know your rights.
While I admit the thought of Asperger’s occurred to me initially, the secret phone password, the changed Facebook password and settings, the aggressive and bizarre behavior of the co-worker, the shock of her learning OP is married when he supposedly wears a ring most days, as well as hiding a strange forum woman under a sister’s name and more point to manipulation and full awareness on the part of the H.
As for the woman, her games seem designed to make OP come across as paranoid, delusional, and suspicious, so that she can in turn provide a sympathetic ear to H. IMO very few women act that boldly and rudely without a lot of confidence in their own standing as a confidant, or much more.
Post # 327
Sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s never a good feeling…but the mere fact you’re thinking to snoop…is quite telling. Sending positive thoughts your way!
Post # 328
So I snooped… but there’s nothing to report really. I went through their text messages, but Darling Husband had already shown them to me. There was nothing new there.
I checked things like whatsapp and emails. Nothing. I even checked every conversation with other coworkers in case there were any “clues”. Nothing there either.
THE ONLY THING that bugged me was that I wasn’t able to get into his facebook. He has the app but he apparently doesn’t leave it logged in all the time like I do. I can’t say that is highly suspicious, he may have reasons for doing so. Some people do. I would like to check it at some point maybe, but everything else seems fine.
Sorry there wasn’t much to report. I’m not saying this 100 percent proves his innocence, but I don’t have anything solid to go on. I would agree there ARE still issues that need resolving, but I’m beginning to doubt more and more that here’s been any real cheating going on. Like I said before, maybe some things that were less than appropriate AND I think he could’ve defended me when she was acting up, plus my opinion of her hasn’t changed, but I have my doubts there’s anything major going on now.
My mother actually went through all this with my father. i found solid evidence of him cheating on her on a few occasions but she was totaly in denial until he came right out and said it. I don’t honestly think I am like that. I just don’t have any significant evidence. It could be that the issue here is not cheating at all, even if this woman might like to imply it. More of an emotional distance issue perhaps and a lac of understanding/empathy. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating and until I see something solid I think I have to trust my gut.
It doesn’t mean all this is over and forgotten. It’s not. But it’s not time for a big blow up and to end my marriage in my honest opinion, however much this sucks right now.
Post # 329
I’m so glad that this eased your fears a bit. I think you should try to talk to him about therapy–yes, it can be expensive, but it’s a lot cheaper than divorce. I wish you the very best and hope that you can find a way to be at peace in your marriage. I think he needs to be less secretive and more open–giving you his passcode and passwords would be a good start. And I think he’ll need to work on his lack of empathy and respect as well. But it sounds like things may not be as bad as you’d feared. Please keep us updated!
Post # 330
Tappity1: Honestly, I think you should just close this thread and move on. All these different opinions are just going to confuse you. To just keep harping on this will either damage your relationship more if he isn’t cheating, or give him fair warning to better cover his tracks if he is. No one on this side of the computer knows for sure what is going on. Just keep your eyes on it.
I reiterate what I said about therapy for you. Even if he isn’t willing to go, it will ultimately end up helping you with communication skills and insecurity. You never know, he may surprise you and go with you eventually.