(Closed) Strange feeling about DH\'s work colleague – am I just paranoid?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 331
Member
12492 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Tappity1:  Not really so surprising that there’s nothing there, even if he were cheating. At this point he’s been given abundant warning that you are suspicious. If he’s changing Facebook passwords and keeping cell phone lock codes secret he’s more than capable of deleting problematic conversations or having them elsewhere. 

If it were me I’d proactively protect myself financially and physically, insist on marriage counseling, and hire a PI if the late night no shows continue. 

Post # 332
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee

Did you check the photo albums?

Post # 333
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Tappity1:  I’m not sure what you want us to tell you.  That you’re paranoid?  That you’re so lucky to have such an understanding man?  Throughout the over TWENTY pages of this post, you keep wondering if your husband is hiding something and yet defending him no matter what anyone says.  I think he’s cheating on you and I assumed you wouldn’t find anything on his phone several pages ago.  

No one on this board can help you.  Even if we were mental health professionals, no one is qualified to give you the proper advice you need on this forum.  

Please, please find the money to see a mental health professional.  Let’s assume that you’re husband isn’t cheating on you and you are paranoid.  You should see a professional to deal with your paranoia.  

Post # 334
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

Annonnie89:  “I’m not sure what you want us to tell you” – I don’t think she’s asking us to tell her anything now. It was an update. 

Post # 335
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

OP, so sorry you’re going through this! 🙁 sending some virtual hugs your way.

From what you described, there may or may not have been physical cheating, but there are definitely inappropriate behaviors/flirtations that may constitute emotional cheating. Like other posters have brought up, the definite issue here is his disregard of your feelings and your (valid) concerns. If he has any respect for you as his wife, the moment you voiced those concerns, he would be doing anything and everything to prove that everything is above board!

Although not this exact situation, I have been in a somewhat similar situation where everyone (virtual and in real life) could point out glaring issues/red flags/inappropriate behaviors. I know that as you try to deal with it and his response is to make you feel like you’re being unreasonable/paranoid, it’s very easy to lose perspective, and at one point you begin to wonder if everything is just coming from your paranoia.

Don’t lose yourself, OP! In your heart and mind, you know what’s appropriate or not. He might try to make you doubt yourself because he doesn’t want to stop this behavior. Some men love the ego boosts from these flirtations. Stand your ground and don’t be his doormat! Not saying you should end your marriage now, just that you need to keep working on this respect issue, not sweep it under the rug for the time being because he refuses to acknowledge it.

Post # 336
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

Annonnie89:  I agree with this.

 

op, it’s just frustrating to see you rationalize accepting his behavior.

Post # 337
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly? I’m not surprised nothing was on there. My ex cheated on me constantly, and when I was suspicious he would delete things off his phone. I would say check again in the next few weeks as well. 

Like you, I needed solid evidence before I believed he would do that. I wanted to believe that he would never do that, and when he would turn it on me, it turned into me belittling myself and my self esteem internally. I stuck up for him too – I told everyone who mentioned suspicious behavior that there was no way. I was way too good to him, why would he find it elsewhere? Once I believed his behavior and actions were no reflection on me, I started seeing a lot I had been shielding myself from.

How I found out? I found some solid evidence on his phone, and then a woman showed up on my doorstep pregnant. And told me a lot. When I confronted him, turns out it was 13 women over 6 years. I got out, moved away, built myself and 3 years ago, met my wonderful fiancé.

Do I think this will happen to you? I cant really predict the future. Moreso, I see your defense mechanisms and how it gets turned around on you, and I feel it. You don’t have to justify your life or choices to us – but I would be cautious and make sure you are still confident throughout this. Keep your head up, Bee – you are worth being treated amazingly.

Post # 338
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you believe he’s cheating, I don’t know if he is, but I thought I’d throw this out there: if you think he’s texting or calling her a lot, you could check the actual phone bill for reccuring numbers, if you have access to it. And if there is a number you feel suspicious of, you could simply search for it on social media sites (like facebook) the girl uses, and it’s possible she could pop up. A lot of people allow for searching by phone number, surprisingly (I’ve done it for numbers calling me that I don’t recognize :P). Though doing it this way probably isn’t the best for your sanity, if there is anything suspicious.

I don’t usually support snooping, but my mom is in the process of leaving my stepdad because he was cheating, so I guess I just don’t have a ton of patience for cheaters right now. 🙂

Post # 339
Member
11115 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Wow.  Over 330 responses & OP is no closer to snapping out of denial now than she was in the beginning.

Of course the guy is shady.  These stories are preposterous.  OP, he “gets it’.  He is not accidentally being inappropriate 

 

with other women.

I am really sorry things are the way they are.  I know the Bees come from a loving & supportive place, but it’s falling in deaf ears.

OP is choosing what she wants to believe, no matter how clearly far off base it is, it’s her choice.  Sadly, she alone will have to live with the consequences of those choices.

Post # 340
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Tappity1:  I think you need to get help OP for yourself. Look at what your marriage has been reduced to. You completely invaded his privacy. if you want to leave, then leave. I don’t understand needing evidence to leave. You obviously don’t trust him and refuse to talk to him like an adult about it. Honestly, you could be like “I no longer feel secure in this relationship because of X reason, and I need x, y and z from you in order for this to work”. (Xyz could be more Time spent together, him coming home at a decent hour, ect). (Assuming you want this to work, which it seems like you do). Acutally communicate your needs. That’s the mature thing to do. And in return, hopefully he’d be mature enough to tell you what he needs from you. 

Post # 341
Member
12492 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

BlushingHoneybee: I explained the reason why proof may be necessary  from a legal and financial perspective and why OP might want to inform herself as to her rights and responsibilities before considering her next move or moves. Unfortunately, things aren’t always as easy as you make them sound.

Post # 342
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Like I said, lay low, act as though you believe him and it’s all blown over and wait. You have the passcode now so you can check anytime. I would check throughout the day tomorrow if you can. It being valentine’s day and all. It would be the time one of them might say something to the other.

 

Post # 343
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

I think some of you are being too harsh on her.

This poor woman is scared and she is acting like someone who is scared. I think all the “look what you have become” comments are unfounded. She is not always like this, this is a woman who is currently scared and is acting as such. 

I do think snooping is not the best thing to do under normal circumstances, because you should trust your partner to tell you the truth. However, if you really strongly doubt he is telling the truth, then I think it can be acceptable, as in this situation. But you should be snooping NOT with the purpose of finding anything, but with the hope that you will find NOTHING. If you keep snooping with the sole purpose of trying to catch him in a lie, one of two things will happen:

1. You find him lying. You are devastated and hurt that you did not leave him before.

2. You can not find anything. You will STILL be paranoid and you will say “maybe he deleted it this time” and you will check again, and again, and again…each time working yourself up into a frenzy that is left unresolved if you find nothing over and over again.

You know his passcode now, save it somewhere and check his phone periodically. But do it so you can ease your mind. If you happen to find something, then you will know the truth. If not, you can use it as verification that your husband is not lying (or that he has hidden the evidence).

I understand completely your need for evidence. You have invested a lot of time, effort, and feelings in this relationship to throw it all away based on a hinting of something. Although some bees say it is pretty obvious what he is doing (and I agree, unfortunately) I understand your need for proof. It is closure for you. Verification for you to look at to know you did the right thing in leaving him.

By the way, I read my fiance your story and asked his opinion. He works in a similar office type job. He said “of course he is, there is no doubt in my mind”. When I asked him what part of the story made him think that, he said “The fact that she didn’t know he was married. I literally mention you every hour of the day at work, so for her not to know means he specifically didn’t tell her and didn’t want her to know.”

Post # 344
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

The reason some of us are being so hard on the OP is because we were once in a similar situation and we want to slap are past selves out of it.

On a side note, why have so many PPs mentioned something about how they’ve discussed this with their fiance and HE thinks the OP’s husband is cheating, too?  Are men more of an authority on cheating behavior than women?  Not all women think alike and certainly not all men do….

 

Post # 345
Member
256 posts
Helper bee

Annonnie89:  Men are not more of an authority on cheating. I discussed it with my SO because I wanted a male perspective, as he understands male behavior moreso than I do. 

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