Post # 1
I guess this might be a strange question, but I was watching the hometown dates episode on Bachelorette and after seeing Jef’s date I have a few things I’m wondering.
How do you know whether you and your SO’s relationship was built on solid principles? How do you know whether you have the same values (whether you’refundamentally the same)? How do you know whether you and your SO have the same goals in life? How do you know whether the two of you are going in the same direction?
I mean, you can get along really well with someone and always have a good time with them while dating and in a relationship, but how do you really know the rest. I think the hardest one to answer is whether you have the same goals in life…how are you really supposed to know that?
Post # 3
@goodasitgets: You talk about it. Goals include things like:
- I want to have 2 kids
- I want to be a stay at home mom (which means he should want to have a job and be able to support that)
- I want 2 dogs at all times
- I want two homes, one permanent and one vacation
- Or I want to change states every 5 years because I hate living in one place
- I want to be a governer (is the spouse ok with being in the public eye)
FI and I started talking about these things early in the relationship, but you can also figure it out by talking about where you want to be in 5 years, when you want to retire ect.
ETA: Its not about having the same goals, but about having complimentary goals. Your goals should factor in what your spouse wants and his should factor in yours. You don’t both have to want to be astronauts for one of you to fulfill a goal of becoming one. The spouse just needs to live a lifestyle which does not conflict with that goal. Which includes a thousand possibilities.
Post # 4
you have to discuss the issues. That’s the only way to find out.
I think most people know what their goals are.
Post # 5
You talk about it. It’s not like an interview though, it’ll come up organically as your relationship progresses. Like when I first met my FI, he asked me how I would feel when he would have to start being away for 6 months at a time due to work. That question led to me asking if he would consider having me stay with him when we have kids. That led to us discussing how many kids we consider having and whether we want to put them into the business. That led to a discussion about being bi-coastal or just living in LA. And so forth and so forth. I think you know when you have the same values if a person mentions something regarding your future together and you wholeheartedly agree with it, not just to please the other person.
Post # 6
@goodasitgets: I agree, you just talk about it. By the way, your avatar is adorable!
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
“Its not about having the same goals, but about having complimentary goals. Your goals should factor in what your spouse wants and his should factor in yours.”
We just talked about that stuff gradually throughout our relationship. It’s always felt very natural to openly talk about these topics.
Post # 8
You just have to talk about it.
Use hypothetical situations: “If you hit a car with your car and no one saw you, would you leave a note?”
These types of questions help you discover a person’s values. Also just watching how they treat other people. If they are an asshole to the waitress or not etc.
But, above all, you talk about it. Openly and honestly. Try getting the book: “1001 questions to ask before you get married” It helps start these kinds of conversations.
Post # 9
Thanks bees! I think y’all are right, and I will try to work little things into our conversations sneakily (aka when it feels natural). 😉
I’ve always thought that he and I have the same values, because we seem to place importance on similar things, for the most part. I’ve found that it’s so easy to get lost in just having a great time with him, and he’s generally pretty quiet, so he won’t really bring up any random topics to talk about, and now that we’re LDR (perfect time to talk about random things since talking is all we can do!) I’ve been reflecting more on our relationship. I know he’s happy we decided to stay together, and I’m happy too, but at the same time there are always things to reflect on, and (while I do think this is the relationship for me) if somehow it happened that this wasn’t for me, it’d be better that it’s sooner rather than later. So I thought I’d ask.
Post # 10
@Juliepants: Thanks, I love it too! 🙂
Post # 11
We talked about it… a LOT 🙂
Post # 12
We were both pretty open up front about what we wanted in our future, career, morals, etc.
The big thing for us is that neither one of us wants kids – so this was discussed early on, b/c it would of been a deal breaker.
Other things come up as you grow together: like planning for retirement, future goals, etc.
Post # 13
I think your values come up in conversation, when you read or watch something that sparks discussion and when you’re considering if you “fit” for the long-term you start to bring up questions. My guy is a talker and he asks a million questions. I love it. I felt like I spent 25 years in silence with my ex. If you’re young and you need to decide if you both want children, there are a ton of things that need to be discussed. As you get older, the things that are important change a bit.
Post # 14
that’s what talking and getting to know one another is all about. as the relationship gets more serious, so do the discussions.
i guess b/c my dh and i are older, we really knew what we wanted as our goals as we had already established many of them. now we have new ones together.
Post # 15
Yeah we talk about them.
My goals for this year are..
Buy my first “real” car…aka one not older then me.
Start seriously thinking about going back to school and picking classes.
Buying or rent to own our first house.
Becoming the leader of the landscaping crew he is on.
Start working on getting his credit score up from good to best.
Get me my first credit card. (Idk, thats what he said to me. It’s something he wants to do so..)
Post # 16
I do thinki talking about things and having complimentary or similar goals is important, but I also think it is essential to be open to compromise–I don’t think that many people find someone that they not only love passionately but also have perfectly alligning goals. Just like in any relationship–be it a friendship or a romantic relationship–you have to be willing to compromise while still staying true to yourself.