(Closed) strangeness with my dad

posted 13 years ago in Family
Post # 3
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry for your situation-as if wedding planning isn’t stressful enough, family issues on top of them make the whole experience..well..an experience! Although my parents are still married, I can completely relate to you on the relationship side with your father. My father and I are not very close either-and are communication isn’t very strong at all.

I would try calling him and I know this is difficult (I am the same way with my dad) maybe express your concern for his mom and his wife’s health and slowly make your way into the details of the wedding that you need to know.

Keep us updated-I’m pulling for you =)

Post # 4
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I had a weird relationship with my dad and would most likely be facing this same type of ambiguity had he lived long enough to see me get married. He was ambiguous throughout much of my life growing up and there was always this sort of "will he?/won’t he?" situation going on.

What helped me most was letting go;  sometimes people who hurt us don’t have reasons for their actions. Even if your father didn’t call or write and never showed up to your wedding, and then you asked him why, he might not ever be able to articulate his reasons for being so aloof. 

There are a million possibilities, which you are already imagining; maybe there’s some other issue, maybe he doesn’t want to deal with you getting married, or maybe he hasn’t responded because in his mind, he’s already planning to show up and just hasn’t figured out the logistics yet!  Don’t keep playing them over & over in your head, that’s torture! 🙁

My advice is to call him, ask him directly, tell him succinctly why you’d like him to be there and how you’d feel if he didn’t come. He may answer you then, he may not. But after that call, let it go. You can’t control this and he’s most likely incapable of seeing that his behavior is painful to you. You deserve to have a wonderful & happy wedding; don’t let his own issues interfere with that! 

Post # 5
380 posts
Helper bee

I"m sorry that he isn’t being more responsive.  I also have a strained relationship with my father so I know what it feels like.  I was very bitter and resentful about this growing up but now, I’m more accepting of the situation even though it’s not what I wanted or hoped for.  The relationship has not gotten any better but now there is sort of a quiet peace and understanding that we wish each other well, even if the relationship is non-existent.  It’s these trials that make us stronger and an important part of who we are, even if it’s not the fun stuff.

I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for you but I hope it works out!

Post # 6
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this now. This is supposed to be a wonderful time in your life and your father’s actions/non-actions are making it difficult for you.

I think you have done your part in asking him to come and letting him know of plans. I think it was also very thoughtful of you to explain that a gift is not necessary.

I really hope he will realize what this means to you and what he would be missing out on if he does not come. Best of luck and keep us updated. Hugs!

Post # 7
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

We are experienceing a similar situation with FI’s father.  They have never been close.  The whole time I have lived in CA, I have seen him once.

We invited Future Father-In-Law to escort Future Mother-In-Law down the aisle and he replied that ‘he’d think about it.’  He hasnt reserved a room or booked tickets yet…Fiance is resigned.  He figures they’ve never had a relationship so his expectations are low.

All I can offer is that family dynamics can be awful during times of celebration.  Letting go of your hurt and disappointment is easier said than done, but it’s the only way you will have a happy and productive life.  I say talk to your father directly.  He may not be able to come, but I would want him to tell me that directly rather than just not showing up.

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