Post # 1
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
I need to vent!
I took an uber from the airport to my house, yesterday night. The driver seemed nice and we started talking about my trip and other random stuff. At one point I mentioned I was married. One thing led to another and he then asked me if I had any kids. I replied with a joyful “thankfully, no”, to which he laughed and mentioned if I ever wanted kids. I almost inmmediately said “no, not at all”; because it is much easier than the long explanation. I thought the topic had been covered and we would move to another topic. I was wrong.
He said “well, sometimes kids happen”, and I replied with “well, I am preventing them to happen”. He continue to say that “if god wants you to have kids soon, then there is nothing to be done”, and “in the end kids are always a joy and one should accept them even if they are an accident“. It really rubbed me the wrong way because I had already stated that: 1) I did NOT wanted kids, and 2) I am not TRYING or RISKING having kids. Why the need to insist on my getting pregnant? Why telling me that it could happen out of god’s will? Why not respecting my decision and simply changing topics?
The last straw was when he said that, in the end, I would regret not having them sooner because all women love kids. I lost it there, and in the most respectful way said: “With all due respect, to you and your religion (I was guessing he was catholic, becaue of the god reference), I do not plan, intend or want kids. If god wants me to have them, I am sorry, but I do not and refuse to have them. I simply do not want them now, or the future.”
Least to say there was a very ackward silence from that point and until we arrive at my destination. But I felt good, because I was able to stand my ground. Arg! It just irks me…first I had to deal with family members telling me “I will be having kids, because I am married”; and now strangers telling me “god wants me to have kids, so I should just have them”? What is wrong with these people?!
Post # 2
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
newlywednewbie: It was an inappropriate topic for the driver to discuss.
Having said that, I’m willing to bet we have all ventured an opinion, solicited or not, at one time or another, that was none of our business.
It’s good that you were able to be assertive. Maybe he will learn something.
Don’t let a stranger push your buttons.
Post # 3
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee
newlywednewbie: Ew ew
ew. Good for you for shutting that nasty bullshit down in a classy way.
I would have lied and gone the rude gross-out route (graphic description of the total hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy happening tomorrow, “we only have oral and anal sex as per lord hubbard’s decree” etc), but major props for taking the high road while standing your ground.
Post # 4
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
What an asshole.
I am pretty sure God didn’t appreciate being thrown into that discussion. Also, apparently it was God’s will for birth control to be invented, too, so…
Post # 5
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
I just don’t see why it’s so serious that you felt the need to make an awkward situation out of it. He probably felt like you two were just chatting and, from what you wrote, he didn’t seem to be telling you to have kids. He was stating the fact that kids do happen accidentally sometimes, even when we are preventing them. So what if his views don’t align with yours? From what you wrote, he was still respectful.
Maybe he didn’t have to mention the whole part about keeping them even if they are an accident but you really didn’t need to make it into this whole big stand your ground moment. Politeness goes much farther.
Post # 6
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee
onceuponadream: That man’s comments were steeped in patriarchal, misogynist
crap and in no way was he being respectful, especially once he trotted out that “kids are always a joy and should be welcomed” garbage that basically shows he thinks women don’t know how to make their own choices.
newlywednewbie: was a model of discretion under the circumstances as described, IMO. I agree with
Speck_: in that this sort of thing needs to be shut down firmly so that other people realize it is not OK to talk to women this way. It is no longer OK to place the burden of being polite on the women who are the targets of this unacceptable type of conversation and I wish we would stop telling women who are targets of misogynist speech to shake it off or take the high road and not make a fuss. All that does is perpetuate a damaging status quo.
Post # 7
Member
9208 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
newlywednewbie: people are idiots! honestly, I DO want kids and I get annoyed at this too – I once had a bank teller ask me why I didn’t have them yet and blah blah blah and I just walked out because I was torn between punching him or just crying. Now I’m blatantly honest with people who are so rude and tell them we’ve been trying for a long time and it hasn’t happened for us even though we desperately want children. THAT shuts them straight up and when people feel awkward I say “oh sorry did you not want that answer? then don’t ask that question.”
Post # 8
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
Next time just start playing on your phone and ignore him. I hate chatty cabbies anyway, I always give a one-word answer and ignore.
Post # 9
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
onceuponadream: I think cfbc people, and child free women in particular, get told constantly that they will change their minds or will want them down the road. It must be awfully tedious to say something and have it immediately brushed off or dismissed. I can completely understand standing firm and restating her position. Wouldn’t it be great if the world trusted that grown women were capable of making decisions about their bodies and their lives?
Post # 10
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
If it’s just a stranger, I ignore them if they keep talking about it. If its someone I know, I would ask if they’d ever say the opposite to someone who does want kids, “you never know, you might be infertile. It happens!” It’s just such a rude thing to say.
Oh and when someone says I’ll regret it, I say I’d rather regret NOT having kids than have kids and regret it afterwards.
Post # 11
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
MarriedToMyWork: It is not disrespectful to state an opinion that kids are a joy; many people believe they are. If you think that is disrespectful it just goes to show that, nowadays, if you are looking to be offended, you will be.
Jellybones: That’s a good point and I can understand that. I remember getting annoyed every time I was asked when I’m getting married during my “waiting period.” Still though, I never found it to be productive or useful to be rude to those people. I would just quip back with something funny to change the subject or I would engage them in a real conversation about it or I would just recognize that this person is not trying to be rude and brush it off.
Post # 12
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee
onceuponadream: If a woman states to you that she does not want children, insisting straight out that she
will have children, she
will like it (because she’s a woman!) and that it’s not under her control in the first place is totally disrespectful and creepy. It doesn’t matter if he was smiling and referencing rosy-cheeked angel babies from heaven while he said it, it was a really blatant violation of OP’s boundaries and that is never polite. She handled it gracefully and hopefully he learned an important lesson on not lecturing people about crap like that anymore.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by
Speck_.
Post # 13
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee
onceuponadream: It is disrespectful to state that children are always a joy and that a woman who doesn’t want children should joyfully accept an unwanted pregnancy. That mindset assumes that women cannot make their own choices and that women who reject children are deviant or broken. The level of woman-hating involved in such a line of thinking runs very deep indeed. Women do not have a duty to be polite or accommodating to the feelings of rude, misogynist creeps, even if said creep’s rudeness and misogyny is perhaps an unintentional byproduct of his devotion to a patriarchal religion and not an expression of a deliberate and active desire to be terrible to women.
Post # 14
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
MarriedToMyWork: It is disrespectful to state that children are always a joy and that a woman who doesn’t want children should joyfully accept an unwanted pregnancy
i agree with the latter part of this but not the former, that’s not disrespect.
Post # 15
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
Interesting that if she was a man, there would not be a conversation on having children or not having children. Just because she is a woman, some men and women in certain cultures and religions have it in their minds that women exist just to have children, and it may be inevitable no matter how well you plan on not having any.
You just can’t make them understand that some people just don’t want any. It’s beyond their comprehension. You answered very eloquently. I applaud you. But your questions afterwards makes me realize that you still don’t understand the way some people think and that it is ingrained in them from birth.
Enjoy your child-free life and don’t sweat about other people’s comments about kids, shrug it off and continue to deliver your perfect answer.