Strength During Divorce and Love After in Late 30's- Would Love More Stories-

posted 7 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
1285 posts
Bumble bee

Hi there,

First, I encourage you to take some time for yourself before worrying about finding another relationship.  Do things you enjoy, whether it’s trying something new that you were never able to do before, spending more time with friends, traveling, etc.  This is a big transition and you should be kind to yourself as you go through the process.  Having a good sense of self and being emotionally available is also going to be key when you get back out there in the dating world.  If you are worried about your fertility, though, you may want to talk to your doctor about options for preserving your eggs so that you don’t have to be rushed when/if you decide to pursue motherhood with someone.

Second, my situation is different but hopefully will help.  I married the love of my life when I was 22.  Less than 3 years later, he was diagnosed with cancer, and we fought a tough battle together for 7 years.  He ultimately passed away when I was 32.  Those years when we were deep in the trenches of the cancer battle were the years that all of my friends had their babies and bought new houses and really settled in their lives with their husbands.  So not only did I find myself widowed at age 32, but I was also in a totally different place than most people I knew because I didn’t have a partner, children, or any clue what my future held.  Also, unlike with divorce, I was still madly in love with my late husband and couldn’t imagine loving anyone else.  

About 2 years after my husband’s death though, I actually did meet someone who was recently divorced and going through a hard time too, and over time, things developed into a real relationship. I am now 40 and re-married and we have a child together and are very happy.  I still have deep scars from the past but have found a way to find joy in my “chapter 2” while still holding “chapter 1” close in my heart.  So there really is hope — and 39 is not old by any means.  In fact, several of my friends are divocring at this age now so it seems there’s going to be some good turnover in the dating pool, LOL! 🙂 

Anyway, I hope this helps in some way.  Hang in there.  Life is too short to be in a marriage that leaves you feeling disrespected and emotionally beat up.  And aside from that stuff, having a child is the best thing that ever happened to me, so if that’s something you want and he doesn’t, then you owe it to yourself to move forward without him.  

Post # 3
2476 posts
Buzzing bee

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this.  Divorce is hard even when you know it’s the right path.

Second of all, the single most important thing you can do for yourself is to take the time to figure out the whys.  Why did your relationship end?  You need to take the time to look deep down into yourself and understand why you chose this person and why the marriage broke down. Until then, you will continue to make the same choices in a partner.

Finally, if you take the time to heal and to get healthy emotionally, mentally, as well as physically, you will find happiness again.

Good luck!

Post # 4
94 posts
Worker bee

Amy Elizabeth :  Not my story but my bestie’s. 

She married her d-bag boyfriend after getting pregnant at 22. He was 28. When she was 30 and he was 36, he wanted a divorce. She found out he was cheating with a 19 yr old he worked with. She found herself 31 and divorced. She dated for about 3 years. Then she met an amazing man. They dated for a year and got engaged, then married. Now she’s pregnant with their first at 36 yrs old. She’s heaps happier now than she’s ever been. 

Post # 5
912 posts
Busy bee

I married my ex at the ripe old age of 20 (almost 21). For various reasons, I asked for a divorce when I was 35. After dating casual for several years while I got my life together, I met now-DH – I was almost 38, he was almost 45 (and separated from his wife of 20 years). Last summer, we got married on my 40th bday, and I must say, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. He’s an incredible husband and an amazing father figure to my two kids. I didn’t think a guy like him existed, much less that he’d be single in his late 30s/early-to-mid 40s. But here we are. 

Post # 6
930 posts
Busy bee

Hi Bee. So sorry about your impending divorce. Know that it’s for the best and you will come out better on the other side. It will take time. Goodness do I know that. 

I got married young and divorced in my late 20s. My ex husband behaved himself up until the day we got married, and as soon as the mask came off, he was controlling and emotionally abusive. I will admit that it’s been a bit of a dating rollercoaster since then, so I recommend not getting started with looking for someone new until you’re fully healed and ready to move on. I would say that now is a good time to work on yourself. Get through your divorce and have the official papers in hand before you start a life with someone new. 

However.. when you do get to the point that you’re ready, you’ll be amazed at how much better your life is. You will have the opportunity to find someone who values you and the things you want in life. It’s been three years since my divorce, and I met my SO in late summer last year. It took us two dates to know we wanted to be exclusive, and we were officially together after a handful more. I’m 31 and he’s 36. Neither of us want children, but we do want marriage, and that is our very mutual goal. 

I know you’re probably very stressed about your biological clock. For multiple reasons, please don’t be. I don’t know what your feelings on any of these things are, but just to throw them out there: You may meet an amazing man with children already. You can adopt a child of any age at any age (full disclosure, I am an adopted child and my family is the most amazing gift my biological mother and parents could have given me). You may meet someone right away and your doctor could give you the go ahead to have children health-wise. What I’m trying to say— there is no reason to give up hope. 

Please enjoy living for you instead of trying to please a man who didn’t value you. I haven’t missed my ex husband for a second, and my SO is so perfectly suited for me. You will find your person! 

Post # 7
3671 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Amy Elizabeth :  I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Your marriage sounds a lot like my first marriage. He didn’t walk out on me, however he did cheat on me and once I found out I left. I wanted children so badly but one day I realized that even if we had kids, I was going to end up raising them like I was a single parent, but still answering to him for my decisions. No thank you! Leaving is scary & hard. Learning how to be completely on your own is a huge adjustment. I was alone a lot in my marriage, but I didn’t have the kind of freedom you have when you’re single. It’s such a liberating feeling. It took some getting used to, but I absolutely LOVED it. 

It’s incredibly important to listen to people when they say to take some time for yourself. Get to know yourself again, figure out what went wrong, why you chose the person you chose and how you can do better going forward. Figure out what you want in a partner and what kind of partner you want to be. Get emotionally healthy. I started dating WAY too soon and I ended up hurting a few people and breaking my own heart pretty badly (by choosing someone who was very obviously not right for me, but I was still hurting so I couldn’t see it). I made things WAY worse because I didn’t just give myself the time I needed to heal, so I just kept repeating harmful patterns. 

Once I took that time and figured myself out, I met an amazing man. I didn’t realize men like this still existed, never mind were still single! When we get married, it will be 4 years since I left my first marriage. I still can’t believe it’s only been 4 years; I’m a completely different person than I was back then. It’s so crucial to work on yourself before you start dating again because you don’t want to repeat the same pattern of choosing men who treat you poorly. 

Also important for me was to create a life I loved. I got involved in social hobbies; joined a fitness boot camp, joined a choir, got together regularly with friends for dinner/drinks. I kept busy enough to not be sitting at home bored & lonely, but not too busy that I avoided dealing with my stuff. 

Best of luck!! 

Post # 8
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Hey there.  I divorced when I was 35 after being married since I was 22.  I remarried when I was 37, to someone who had been a friend but became more.  He died 5 months after our wedding.  I remarried at 40 to a wonderful man I met online.  So I am proof you can find love (twice!) in your late 30s.  I also found a TON of nice guys online, one of whom is one of my best friends.  There are plenty of men who want to be married/fall in love.  🙂

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